I still have to remind myself on occasion that I will never understand his behavior, how he thinks, how he talks. And mostly how he will never. change.
Like this morning, after he had been lamenting about his life and talking about a variety of topics in the way he does: nonstop. After 30 minutes or so my body and nervous system were overwhelmed so I asked if I could have some quiet while I did the dishes. He commented with "well I have issues too."
The healthy, wise part of me knows just to let those comments go. But the overwhelmed, tired version of me isn't always capable of doing so. Placing my hands on the counter, I said that I was only stating my issue and mostly what I needed at that moment. I was not saying he did not have issues or needs.
That triggered his program (they don't like that). They - he - is incapable of engaging in a logical, thoughtful conversation. INCAPABLE. He started off on another one of his ranting rambles, saying good luck with my dichotomy and to not let my assumptions do something or other. I have seriously since forgotten exactly what he said. Nor do I care to remember. My brain is literally done trying to speak his language.
He went outside to finish a task. I knew he would come in with new things to say. He always does - until he's done - then he behaves in such a way as though nothing happened. It's bizarre as hell and a top relationship destroyer. So, he comes back inside and just as I suspected, he tries to justify his earlier behavior with another string of big words that make no sense to my brain. This time I said, "I don't speak that language" and walked away.
A good phrase/tool to use.
(and just now he has entered my space, commanding I give him attention and look at him, speaking his passive aggressive speak of how I am always busy, and am I too busy to give him a moment of my time or am I still busy - he has absolutely NO respect for my time or what I do). His words he wanted to share? He brought up two "faux paus" I made recently then pointed out how he was there to offer support.
Which he did.
Which I thanked him and apologized for.
And he was only helpful because he was high. That is really the only time he is close to "normal" in that he is neutral and calm.
And which is just another one of his tactics when some part of him knows he has behaved in a toxic manner, so he thinks back to a time when I was not in my best space and tries to convince me how good of a guy he is.
Not the same. (It also took him over 2 hours to come up with his response to me, btw).
When I have a moment, I own it and if supported during it, I say thank you.
Does he do the same?
Nope.
I mentioned above how he is only neutral when he is high. Last night is a good example. My girl and I left to go grocery shopping. At the time he was amped up on anger and anxiety. When we returned, he was smiling, welcoming us home, showing interest in our trip out, listening to us talk. My girl and I looked at each other with our knowing look - we left when he was Mr. Hyde and returned to Dr. Jekyll - well a weird version of Dr J but still - Mr. Hyde was in hiding.
I think back to a journal entry from 20 some years ago where I spoke of this phenomenon of his - this Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde persona. It describes him quite well, although today, now that I am breaking through the illusion - the spell - I was under, I would say he is not at the level of Dr. Jekyll and is far more possessed with the Mr. Hyde. For what I once thought was two opposing personalities where one would appear in full and the other would hide, I have realized Mr. Hyde is always there with him, lurking and the more I wake up, the more I see this. For no amount of cannabis consumption in the world can hide what is truly evil. And I wish to God I had had the strength and courage to walk away back then. But I also know to be gentle with myself for kicking myself is not helpful, it's also what his programming wants: A weak, frightened version of Me - unless he needs me to be different in order to appease him.
A twisted game these narcissists play. The best choice is not to play.
M.E.
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