Do you ever feel you are peddling backwards?
Or you are peddling and peddling and not making any momentum?
This is how it's been for me - especially the last two weeks.
I was making good progress with my studies. I was starting to have the capacity to visualize my future. Visions were coming in. Those are rare so I do not take them for granted. I began writing things down, journaling, etc. I began FEELING it all and having those wonderful moments of inspiration.
Then b.s. ensued.
Most say "life happens".
No.
Divine Life does not come in for the attack just when things are going well.
Demons do.
Evil.
Matrix programs.
Divine SUPPORTS.
It certainly does not come in with unwanted challenges, especially when they cause harm.
But that's what happened.
First it was a string of repairs needing to be done. And that meant having to deal with this entity who becomes like a 3 year old tyrant who has just had his supply of cookies taken from him.
Whine.
Rant.
Rage.
And then the chanting.
"I cannot afford this lifestyle. I've already invested (fill in the amount) this month. I am tapped."
Same chant he's been saying for over 20. years.
"Uh huh," I said, ignoring all that then, as usual, took care of myself. Researched. Called up the right person (who was able to take care of all 3). He followed me around, saying he wanted to tell me again all he's done and that he cannot do this.
I finally snapped back: "YOU ARE NOT TAKING CARE OF IT. I AM!"
Things like that - repairs needed - don't hit hard for someone who doesn't have cPTSD.
But for someone like me?
It knocks me off balance and it takes me awhile to recover.
Which I began to do.
Then today hit.
He's "sick" again.
Not sick sick - just his strange sickness that happens - likely due to all of the insane amounts of processed crap he eats whereby his system shuts down and everything comes up and out - for hours. I don't know how someone with his health conditions is able to put away half a large jumbo bag of GMO potato chips and not be sick like this at every instant. Have a damn carrot. Or some blueberries.
In the past, I would take care of him. Show up when he called my name.
It's been 2 years since he's had such an episode.
And today?
I did nothing for him.
I ignored him as he called me from the bathroom.
Ignored him (at first) as he began to apologize and whine about how sick he was.
And that's another extremely bizarre thing about him. He apologizes when he's sick. I've told him repeatedly he doesn't need to apologize when he isn't feeling well. In fact, today when he said it, I snapped at him to "STOP APOLOGIZING. IT'S PATHETIC."
A first.
He can call me psychotic crazy demonic bitch, spit in my face with rage, threaten me and not apologize.
But he gets sick from eating toxic food and apologizes?
WHO is the crazy one?
And who exactly is he apologizing TO?
When I went outside needing help hanging a big comforter on the line to dry I ignored him as he griped about how he "can't even get a day off to rest". 5 minutes was all I asked. He ranted the whole time, intertwined with his "I'm so sick I cannot do this anymore."
"I cannot do this anymore." Heard that for the last time. No more room in my body for those words.
"Then don't", I said and walked away.
To the outside this looks like me being horrible. Cruel.
But looks are deceiving at first glance when one doesn't have the full picture.
For years I've put up with his abuse including when I have been sick.
Bum knee?
"Walk it off and do not inconvenience me."
Child is sick?
"You take care of her. That's your job." (Says the one who hasn't had a job in 17 years).
Lying in bed as I healed?
"When are you going to get out of bed and fix dinner?" (I had been in bed for just 2 hours)
Creating drama after I had a procedure and needed to rest.
Year after year when my daughter was sick, he would come in with unwanted advice, once literally trying to force her to eat, raging at me how I "didn't know everything!" (Um yes, I did when it came to taking care of my child when she was sick.)
One of the last times he was like this, I had a friend over. He walked out and loudly announced "Oh you still have your little play-date here?" He was horrible. She disappeared from my life shortly after that incident. No word. I sometimes wonder if that had something to do with it.
Today he has left a mess. In the shower. On the toilet. Claims he "picked up as best as he could".
Well his "best" sucks.
Again if he were a good husband, a good father, a good provider, I would be all over the "take care of your man" today and dismiss his failed effort. But since he's not, I get to hang him to dry for all to see.
His "best" left behind bodily fluids that I ended up taking care of. Cleaned the entire bathroom twice already.
Cleaned up the bedroom. The couch.
Vacuumed.
The whole GI works - things I was not planning on doing today.
And it has put me into a space that will get all of his ugly toxic returned to sender.
💥
M.E.
***
You with the compassionate heart - if you wish to see me heal and liberate myself and my daughter from this situation - please show that compassion by buying me a coffee. And share my work and my story with your friends. I need a TRIBE around me to help me get out asap.
You are welcome to join my Telegram group: https://t.me/+p7NwgVUz8gxjNjY5
Here is my fundraiser:
https://www.gofundme.com/f/mom-start-over-new?attribution_id=sl:e41ebf4f-5504-418f-88d0-9971ffac57ff
SURVIVORS NEED:
*JUSTICE. PROSECUTION. ABUSERS HELD CRIMINALLY LIABLE.
*SAFE LONG-TERM AFFORDABLE HOUSING.
*TO BE HEARD AND SEEN FROM WHERE WE ARE NOW. ASK US WHAT WE NEED. WE WILL TELL YOU.
*THE TIME AND SPACE TO HEAL PROPERLY WITH THE HELP OF HEALERS TRAINED IN THIS KIND OF ABUSE AND THE HARM IT LEAVES.
*EMPLOYMENT WE CAN ACTUALLY DO AND EMPLOYERS WHO SEE US WHERE WE ARE AND WHO WE ARE. WE ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE WITH A DISABILITY WHO NEEDS SPECIAL ACCOMMODATIONS.