Yesterday an event was occurring on television he has wanted to watch for a while now. It's loud and obnoxious and hours long, so my daughter and I decided to spend part of the afternoon at the local park, enjoying a picnic. The matrix had other plans. After about 20 minutes into our quiet solitude, some middle-aged male on a skateboard decided to cruise around the park with one of those backpacks with a stereo and speaker built in. I have never heard anything so loud before. The closest I can describe this is that obnoxious music they play at fairs in terms to the frequency and volume. It was that. loud. People looked at him, throwing a variety of angry looks. My girl and I had to plug our ears. I honestly wanted to scream or cry after a few moments. It was that painful to endure.
He continued to meander his way through the area. I was hoping the nearby men would go over and take care of him but instead, they just did what the rest of us did - endured it.
Several minutes later, the dude was finally gone. Breathing a sigh of relief, we returned to our quiet little picnic. A few minutes later, my stomach decided to inform me it was not happy, which for me means I need to get home to my own bathroom - and quickly. Apologizing to my girl, we packed up rather quickly and I drove us home. Upon arrival, I noticed he had opened up the windows, allowing the 90-degree heat inside the house. When I left I had it shut up with the a/c on. The house was stuffy and hot, so I told him I needed to shut it up and turn on the a/c. He was high as a kite and was agreeable. He wanted to know why we were home so soon. I shared what had happened. He hugged us, said he was sorry for the stress we experienced. Version #1 was online yesterday.
After I took care of myself, I went to lay down on the bed and quiet myself, calm down. My stomach had acted up because he had had another one of his meltdowns and that coupled with a stressful week - financially and otherwise - I knew I needed to take this time to myself. He came into the bedroom awhile later and I apologized for being cranky and said I was taking some time to rest and calm down. He smiled and said "Ok. I'm glad you're feeling better. It's ok." He then offered to make dinner. I accepted.
Again, that is one version - the nice one. Version 1. And again, he was high.
Flash forward to today. He berated me for interrupting his tv viewing yesterday. Judged me for coming home upset, saying he was peaceful and didn't appreciate my anxiety. He judged me for "having" to cook dinner, dismissing me when I said, "you offered". That did not matter. Today was today - yesterday was yesterday. Today he was version 2 - narcissistic, toxic and cruel.
And blaming it all on me.
I just walked away - refusing to participate further. It's best that way. Going gray rock.
But it does not alleviate the anger and rage and disgust and pain I feel when he flip flops like that.
The confusion.
The mind games.
Oh my g a w d - the mind games he has played with me - taking my beautiful trusting mind and turning it into a frightened, confused, self-doubting shell of a person.
That isn't real connecting.
This isn't real human relating.
It's FAKE.
Fake. Fake. Fake.
He can take his fake and shove it.
I want real.
I SEE myself with real.
I FEEL myself having real.
I DESERVE real.
I see his games for what they are.
I see him for what he is.
And most importantly - I am seeing ME for Who I Really Am.
That is all for now. Please help out this mama in need in supporting my work here by buying me a coffee and sharing this with your friends and family and anyone who is going through something similar.
We need not hide.
We need not heal in a vacuum.
💖
M.E.