Let my experience help you, encourage you, if you have one of these entities in your life, to get out as soon as you can, walk away when you can and most importantly: do not engage in a conversation, especially when they are upset. You will drain your beautiful energy and will waste your precious time. These examples come from today alone.
1) He was still talking about the shirt he cannot find. 48 hours later and he is still. talking. about. it. Accusing me of taking it, saying it's "sus" (that's ghetto slang for suspect, apparently). I put up my hand and said, "I am not discussing this with you". Now there are some "experts" out there who give this statement and similar statements as good advice to use. I will tell you based on my experience with him, this is not enough. I had to walk away - which is another statement "experts" will use. And again, I will tell you based on my experience, that is, again, not always enough for he followed me into the bedroom, got in my face and demanded we "talk about this like adults". I said "I told you no" - tried to leave - he blocked my exit - so I had to push past him. I went into the kitchen, turned on my CD player. He came over and unplugged it, loudly demanding I was to listen to him, threatening to call my dad and tell him everything that is wrong with me and demand to know where my dad went "wrong" in raising me. Again (he pulls this nonsense a lot now). I plugged in my CD player again. He yanked it out of the wall again - 3 more times - and I continued to plug it back in - before he got the hint and left.
2) Earlier today he couldn't find his sweats. He started in with his usual "ok what did you do with them". Same script he ran when he couldn't find his shirt 2 days ago. This time, I found them. Did he apologize for his false accusation? No. But he did say "Look I was diagnosed with late-stage neuro lyme back in 2012 or do you not remember?" I rolled my eyes and left the room. I believe I was there when he received that diagnosis just as I was there throughout his treatments and doc appointments.
3) He wanted to discuss the living situation. I shared my idea and offer: he was to pay the rent here (I pay for utilities and food) and if he found a place I would reimburse him for his rent paid. He asked if I would put that in writing and get it notarized. "Of course," I said. Then he said he didn't trust me. I said, "the notary will offer you legal protection." He didn't trust that nor did he like that. Typical behavior - makes an offer - you agree - then changes his mind.
As you can see - trying to have a normal, rational conversation with these types is a waste of time. Every. single. time.
This isn't fair.
To have to deal with this mentally unstable, ill monster alone - it isn't RIGHT. I need support here from somewhere. Calls to doctors and mental health agencies have left me with the same answer: Unless he's threatening to harm you. The last person to tell me that I said, "but he IS harming me and harming our daughter". But it isn't physical. I said, "His harm is leaving damage you just cannot see - but it's just as bad." All agree but again say, "There's nothing we can do. It's the law." Well FUCK THE LAW.
He has ruined too many holidays and too many meals and too many occasions. He has taken up far too much of my time - even when I attempt to stay clear and not engage. These entities don't respect boundaries (while yelling in your face you aren't respecting theirs). And it isn't right. It isn't just. HE NEEDS TO. GO. I am going to scrounge up money from somewhere - his family perhaps - or local churches - to buy him out. Pay him off. Give him enough to move and get settled for a month or two. He. Needs. To. Go. For our peace of mind. In the interim I will continue to seek a new home. I have contacted 3 private landlords and 2 property management companies and a friend who is a real estate agent. I have been transparent and up front about my situation - saying I have a co-signer and the means to pay for up to 1 years' worth of rent. I feel this deep sense of shame - this sense that I need to parade myself on stage for public judgment, saying "Yes I know I made a huge mistake marrying this man. I get that now. I am a different person now. I need to be seen and believed and understood and given a chance to start over." As a mother the guilt I feel at times both overwhelms me and inspires and motivates me.
I ask anyone who believes in the power of Prayer, the power of Intention, join in with me visualizing two possibilities: 1) He is offered a place or finds a place and moves out quickly. 2) I find the right place and move out. SOMETHING positive has to break through for me.
🙏
M.E.