I remember the first date. The interest he showed me. The myriad of questions he asked about me. He sat across the table from me, listening quietly, smiling, nodding. I remember being surprised at what seemed to me at the time real attention he was giving me. Having come out of a long-term relationship with someone who more or less ignored me, I was craving attention. I wanted to feel seen and noticed. I wanted to be heard. Adored. I wanted a man to show real interest in me. At the time, I thought all of these questions he was asking me (what my goals were, my political, social and religious beliefs, my childhood, my interests, even my challenges) were authentic interest. Little did I know that someone controlled by narcissistic tendencies often "love bombs" you in the beginning. They lavish you with attention, even gifts. For any of us who were denied such attention, especially as children, that empty hole within craves to be filled. And for myself, I was no exception to that rule. In fact, you could say I WAS the rule.
That interest slowly began to fade. Over time, he would criticize me for my religious beliefs, saying "You NEVER told me you believed that!" I remember him attacking me one night into a corner, yelling and accusing me of "NEVER" having told him I had a particular health issue. I had shared these very things with him from the beginning - most on the very first date. You know, when he sat across from me pretending to show real interest.
I am almost two decades into this relationship. I have spent - wasted - years of my life trying to understand him. Counseling. Relationship books. Wading through the talk show experts, finding ways to gently present shows to him for us to watch together. And the attempts at a real conversation. The endless. attempts.
About 6 months ago, I began to wake up out of my slumber. It's like these people put a spell over you. That is how I have felt. And now that I am full into the waking up from this experience, the biggest questions in my mind now are "why didn't I see?" and "what was WRONG with me!"
Yes, that last one is a judgment, and I am going easy on myself as best as I can - which is hard - when he filled my mind with so many lies about himself. He almost had me convinced in full his accusations held truth. His accusations boiled down to the "never enough" kind. I was never good enough. Never had enough money. Never gave him enough attention. Sex was never good enough or often enough. It took me over 10 years to finally find the courage to ask him "if you are so unhappy with me, why are you still here?" to which he would respond "I'm starting to ask that myself".
Narc's repeat cycles. They chant. At least mine has - did. Like the saying above, attempts at conversation go nowhere. N O W H E R E. Normal is not on their radar nor is the ability to truly see their own behavior. Ask for an apology or to share something they could improve on - if you dare - and you will find them incapable of answering. It will always come back to you and how YOU are at fault - to blame - because look at this litany of things THEY have done for YOU.
And if you stay in this toxic soup long enough, you start to question your sanity. And I have. I did. But no longer. I have woken up out of the narc spell. And that awakening marks the beginning of my story for you to read here.
I welcome you and thank you for joining me here. I have only just begun.
In total health and freedom,
M.E.