I heard from a friend today who is going through a nasty divorce. Her spouse is a covert narcissist, and she spent decades keeping her opinions, thoughts and feelings inside until she had finally had enough, and she began to speak up, asserting herself. Months later, her spouse left her for another woman. I've seen her powered up and strong and I've seen her as she is at the moment: a wreck - shaking in fear - in bed - absolutely drained.
This is what untreated complex PTSD looks like after years or decades of narcissistic abuse. I've said it before and I will say it again: the systems created to help women in these situations are broken, archaic and absolutely fail women in helping them heal and helping them not only get out but most importantly: STAY OUT.
And what women need to stay out is not only affordable, safe, stable AND long-term housing but healing from people who KNOW what this kind of abuse, especially when long term and chronic, does to the mind and body and the process and duration needed to heal, along with support people who understand and respect the situation and process. Many women end up returning due to two primary reasons: Financial and lack of healing/real support.
Like I shared about my friend above, some days we are strong and focused, other days we are a traumatized mess - especially if we are forced to have some level of contact with the abuser. Humanity needs to get this - those who tell us to push ourselves when our bodies say otherwise. We need encouragement, yes, but to push someone beyond their window of tolerance (the body's ability to cope with stressful situations), is not helpful. At all. When we're in these states, we need TLC, much like someone recovering from an operation. One would never think to push someone with a broken leg to walk a mile - perhaps they COULD do that in an emergency - but there would be consequences after-the-fact physically. So, unless the situation is urgent, when a woman is overwhelmed with PTSD symptoms, go easy and gentle.
Society needs to stop expecting these women/us to be able to be out in the world daily, holding down a full-time or even part-time job, and to show up each day and perform well. We don't just have the normal good and bad days - our good days can even have us suffering cognitively/mentally and our bad days can find us so low, exhausted mentally and easily triggered, we need to be treated with care.
That's why I think my vision - my business idea - is SO needed and would truly help end the situations where women want out but can't due to finances and who once out want to stay out but end up returning because they did not receive the healing they needed. My idea provides free and/or truly affordable housing for women and their children - as long as they need (up to 2 years) - along with real trauma healing that is body-centered. Legal support as well is provided. Healing for their children. A place where women are heard - where they are truly supported and asked what they wish their life to look like - what goals and aspirations they seek for themselves - what work they can and want to do - and they receive the help in achieving those goals. For when we feel SAFE and SEEN and HEARD - consistently - THAT is when we can go from feeling like we are drowning to slowly thriving again.
Perhaps for the first time in our life.
That is all for now. Thank you for reading. Please feel free to share this article with those who may benefit from it - which if you're a caring human being - can be pretty much everyone. And if you have the means, please help me spread the word on this topic by buying me a coffee.
TO OUR HEALING.
M.E.
**I realize men too are victims of narcissistic abuse. This article is in no way dismissing that fact nor is it dismissing anyone who has complex PTSD. My focus is on women/mom's, narcissistic abuse and the effects on our bodies/mind.