Sometimes I wish the world would take a peek inside my home here to see what it is like from my perspective, living with him.
Or shall I say stuck living with him until....you know.....$$$
Perhaps I would receive the support I need.
Today he was at it again.
Triggered.
Teenage daughter who is rightfully expressing her pain she holds - putting it back on him. Did she do it in the best way? No. But she is still a child - she is still learning the HOW's of communication. And it is up to US to TEACH her by MODELING the behavior. His response to me when I decided to talk with him?
"She started it."
😠😡🤬
What are we 2?
I wanted to smack the ever lovin' shit out of him when he said that as it's long been his "go to" response for ANY argument he finds himself in. And I am DONE with hearing that response. Instead, I took a deep breath and said "That does not matter. What matters is that it is never ok to exhibit the same behavior towards your child as she does towards you. YOU ARE TO THE ADULT. YOU are to MODEL the behavior."
Nope - he didn't want to hear that. Too close to home. He got up and walked out of the room saying he was done supporting me, done supporting her. He would be better of living alone. The usual. I've told him many times he is free to go. I won't stop him. I'll help him pack.
In many ways my girl's behavior is very typical. I receive that angst now and then. What parent doesn't? But when this happens - I TALK WITH HER. I LISTEN to her. I HEAR her. I see my own triggers, put those aside and meet her where she is. Sometimes I am able to do this immediately. Sometimes I need to walk away and take time to calm myself and regroup with her later.
I am not perfect at this of course - but I make the effort to listen to her and help her find the truth of those feelings behind the words. And as I am seeing, based on the connection she and I have, THAT IS ALL ANY PARENT CAN DO.
And this entity will not do this. Perhaps when he's high - he will find the ability to hold some space. But when he's sober? Nope.
Today I commanded he calm down and said while I agree she needs to learn better ways to express that pain, she has legitimate valid reasons to feel the way she does. And as much as that may trigger him, as her father he owes it to her and to their relationship to LISTEN. Let her talk without judgment and without getting defensive.
And he just doesn't get it. His brain, the programming of that narcissistic personality won't allow for that kind of insight. I also brought up my own relationship with my own father hoping that would help break that barrier, reminding him how my dad doesn't allow for me to hold a different opinion on certain topics without him getting triggered, going from zero to ten, insulting me, telling me my opinion is wrong. He's seen it many times over the years and is disgusted by it (but can't see he does the same thing). I said:
"You see the relationship I have with him today. Is it healthy? Are we close? Is he a safe person for me? NO." Instead of getting it he dismissed that away saying, "we are not talking about you".
No - we're not. I expressed by saying I was USING that as an example to SHOW him that HE IS DOING THE SAME THING. Today it was over the topic of people who are gay. She is fine with people who are gay. He is not. I hold the same view as my daughter. Instead of accepting her pov, he tells her she is wrong and is supporting evil and as such he will call out evil when he sees it. UGH! I still tried to get through to him by saying unless he wants to repair the relationship which today included respecting her POV, he is going to lose her. And I will be there in her corner - as I already am. And continue to be.
Am I doing this for him?
Hell no.
I am doing it for HER. For my daughter.
But just like you can lead a donkey to water you can't make the ass drink that water.
And it will be a loss for my girl.
But she will heal. I will make sure of that.
But him? He will never heal because he's chosen not to. Wearing the victim mentality is his choice.
And so - I end this - saying again sometimes I wish the people I know had the ability - would view inside my home - and see how I try to create and maintain peace in this home where I am forced to stay until housing comes through that I can afford. Maybe if people would see the phone calls I have made. The conversations I have had. The places I have called. ON MY OWN. Ain't got no one holding my hand here and while I can do this on my own I really REALLY don't want to anymore. I never have tbh. I would LOVE for people to take me seriously - to take my work here and on my other platforms and share it - everywhere - ongoing - BE A VOICE FOR ME - say "hey - help this mom get out of a toxic situation. support her work!" because I MATTER to them - because my CHILD matters to them - and remain an advocate for me until I can get those numbers and dollars to the focused goal I've had all along. But I never give up. I WILL BE FREE OF THIS FREAK. I will be heard if I have to scream it from the top of my rooftop, from my keyboard here as I type in all caps.
My current focus: returning to school, getting a certificate so that I can find other employment - additional income - so I can get out of here. And that requires money. I've already made several phone calls on scholarships - learned of two - have calls in to those agencies as well.
This shouldn't be so hard. If people really cared about others - if just one person would step into my life and say "I AM GOING TO HELP YOU AND I AM GOING TO STAY THERE UNTIL YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED: WHAT DO YOU NEED" - like my dear friend K who is going through a similar situation and FINALLY has others helping her in the way she needs - my god I don't know what I would do - other than show my gratitude - probably do some sort of a dramatic emotional drop to my knees moves - as that kind of love is foreign to me. And let me tell you - after all this time of my sharing from my heart - and seeing others read my work and not say a damn word in response or support it with a few dollars - is deeply painful.
At least today I can say these words and know I matter and deserve the love I seek.
We all do.
M.E.