It’s one of those nights…again…
There has been some distance in the feelings.
Some space between the breakdowns, even though I’m struggling with the meanings.
And I don’t know if that is better or worse.
Sporadic, but intense. Lasting all day and rolling into the night…is that the curse?
I stay up later.
Because no one checks on me after hours, no one to cater.
I don’t have to lie and say “I’m okay.” or “I’ll be fine, just taking some time.”
It’s always in the darkness that I find solace.
But, it’s also in the darkness that the thoughts are the loudest and make me calloused.
Chattering away, filling my heart with nonsense.
I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to think these things.
Yet, here we are…skipping the pen and going right to the keyboard.
The world falls silent when the darkness falls, and I choose to be ignored.
And that’s the time that the thoughts believe they have to floor.
Open mic night for intrusiveness.
Take a number and get in line, they will be at it for a while.
Might as well pour another drink - slip into drunkenness.
Trying to make sense of the nonsense.
I wish I was ignorant and could slip back to blissfulness.
But there is distance now, between who I am and who I was.
I keep tripping on fucking triggers.
Getting caught up with the riggers.
Tangled in the ropes of words I handed them.
What a way to spiral down into a hole; tied up in mayhem.
Free fall - here we go again!