Today, someone asked me how I use the Enneagram to increase my self awareness and the first thing that came to mind when I was responding was how irritated I was last night and how the Enneagram coupled with the gospel is actively pulling me out of it.
Last night, I got pissed. Like, so angry that I could feel my jaw tightening and my body tensing up. Why? Well on the surface, it was because of my younger brothers bad driving skills and everyone asking me to do things but underneath all of that was my frustration and anger with the reality that I felt like I had to take care of everyone but no one was taking care of me (which is absolutely false when I really thought about it). But nonetheless, I felt like everyone wanted something from me. If it wasn't my family, it was my friends. If it wasn't my friends, it was work. And then most recently, I felt like someone tried to make it seem like God was also looking to take from me as well. I was fed up. I realized Sunday evening that I wasn't trusting God to provide for me. I typically have an abundance mindset but lately, I've been struggling with a scarcity one since I'll be taking on an insane amount of law school debt and living on my own for the first time in a new city. But I thought I had gotten over that in the last two days. Clearly I was wrong because the minute I felt like people were asking something of me again, whether it had to do with my time our my resources, I had a violent emotional reaction.
On Instagram I shared this with some additions: This morning, when I sat down to be with God, I got curious and asked myself why I responded the way I did last night. The Enneagram is a tool that helps you figure out why you do what you do so something as simple as stopping and asking yourself "why" is huge. What need isn't being met? What desire isn't being fulfilled? Turns out, it all came back to my core desire of being good and right. I felt like I was doing everything right but the one thing I needed from God (a full ride to Berkeley) was the exact thing that He didn't give me. I felt like all of my goodness was in vain. I know I sound like a spoiled child but its way more complex than I'm making it because in fact, If I really think about it, I wasn't actually "good" during the time that I was applying to schools. If we're being completely honest, I didn't actually deserve the favor that landed me admission to a school like Berkeley and thats when I realized, I'm spoiled. All of my life, I've had things handed to me. I didn't start holding down a job until my sophomore or junior year of college because my dad didn't want me to work until I finished law school. The car I drive, I didn't pay for. In fact, it wasn't until recently that I learned that some parents actually make their recent college graduate kids pay rent if they come back to live at home and have a job. More than that, I had to fight to convince my dad to let me pay for law school myself (Its complicated). I've never lied about my socio-economic privilege. It's something I don't talk about often but I have never presented myself as someone who lives below the poverty line so I hope no one is shocked or annoyed by the things I'm saying. I say all of this to say I'm realizing just how spoiled and ungrateful I can be.
Yes, God didn't show up how I wanted him to. He didn't give me the full ride to law school the way I thought he did but he did provide an amazing job for me to work at during a time when my counterparts were struggling to find work. Not only that, but he gave me the financial freedom to take on The Black Enneagram full time and has consistently brought paying gigs my way. Just in the first week alone, I had two paying brand collaborations come in with little to no work of reaching out being done on my part.
Knowing that my core motivation and desire is to be good helped me to realize that I expect my goodness to bring me rewards and benefits so when it doesn't everything feels off with the world. It makes me feel like my being good and doing the right thing isn't enough to ensure an easy life. Newsflash, it doesn't ensure an easy life and that is hard for me to swallow. Resentment builds when this is your framework. Anger and frustration with yourself and life become commonplace.
I've never felt more like Whitley Gilbert. I remember the scene where she goes to therapy for the first time and is talking about all the things she doesn't have. She's so blinded by her entitlement that she can't see all the good thats around her. She is ME. This is why TV is so powerful. It shines a light on things that we would rather not see.
So what am I doing to combat this? Thats a great question. Right now in this moment, nothing. Honestly, just realizing how much God is already doing was enough to calm me down (at least for today). If you need a practice, try taking inventory of your life when things feel like they aren't adding up. Maybe you just aren't seeing the hand of God.
Now, this isn't to say that if your life is actually hard that you should just count your blessings. Heck no. If you actually genuinely lack the things you need like basic access to food, water, shelter, etc - that is different and its not something that the power of positive thinking can fix. But if you're like me, living a life full of privileges and gifts but you're struggling to see Gods hand then these might help. It may also help to remember the ways that God has and is showing up for you. Remember all the ways that He has been good and is good to you. It may also help to speak your frustrations to God. A lot of type ones struggle with being honest about how we feel before God. Thats how I got where I am today, by letting things build up and thinking "oh its fine" when really, I'm afraid that God won't show up for me.
That fear is valid. We live in a world that takes from us in almost every way but we serve a God who gives. I'm realizing that for me, if I don't regularly receive from God - I won't have anything to give. I have to be serious about receiving. I have to be open to the gift of rest and trust that God is a giver. I've seen God move. I've seen Him provide when I needed Him most. Remembering these moments are helping me to heal.
So am I fixed yet? Definitely not haha. I promised myself to sit and write every single way that God has shown up for me as well as all the good things I have that I did not work for. My hope is that this will help me realize that all is a gift. They are not wages in exchange for my goodness and right behavior. Every good thing that we have comes from him and we could not do even 1 million good works to earn one of his blessings. He is good. Thats what I am meditating on today and forever, his goodness.
Your goodness doesn't give you worth. It doesn't give you value. You are valuable already. Theres so much I could say but I'm sure you're tired of reading this long essay. I'll end by saying two things, the Enneagram coupled with the Gospel is powerful and if this little article was discouraging, disregard all of it. I'm just sharing my experience in the social location that I'm in and that may not be relevant for you and thats absolutely okay and valid.
Joyfully,
Dayo Ajanaku