Dear Communi-Tea,
This may not be a surprise to those of you who have followed me for some time across the past 8 months. You've seen my mood and expressions change on stream drastically, my sensitivity to your comments heightened, sharing my current season even to the point of breaking down in tears live on stream.
About a month ago, I found myself looking back at clips from some of my earliest streams. Full of effortless, cheerful energy and a openness to discover the opportunities and adventures of the streaming world. I told my friend, "Where did she go?"
Over the past month or so, my health has regressed. My tolerance level has drastically shortened. Suicidal ideations snuck back up on me. I'm angry at everything, I'm sad with everything. I feel deeply, yet lack the ability to release any of these feelings. A pot of simmering water on the stove top with a closed lid, never being able to come to a full boil.
The mental health system, most especially my doctor who I've been complaining to the past 3 appointments doesn't want to alter my meds. The medical system wrote down I was positive for a sickness that they refused to test me for, which led to an anti-biotic which killed all the good gut bacteria with the bad; an action that may not stabilize my gut again for a full 6 months... Outside of the brain itself, the gut health is the root of mental health. And they demolished it.
I can't sleep comfortably. Nightmares have come back, where I wake up several times in the middle of the night. If I happen to make it until morning, I wake up dissociated, not feeling as though reality is real. That everything around me is 'floaty', I'm still in a dream. I can no longer process information for several hours, sometimes the entire day.
My family dynamic has changed. My father will not be physically around for the first time in my life, and it has made me reflect on a lot of my childhood, that has brought on sadness, anger, resentment, guilt, all of the above. While packing, my dad handed off a box of memorabilia from when we were young, saying he wouldn't need them anymore. They read, "Thanks for being the greatest Dad. You're #1! I love you!". So much that wasn't proven in reality. I couldn't go through the whole box. I really don't know if I'll ever see him again.
My relationships are falling apart. Some of my close friends are going through it themselves. The ones that aren't are intimidating to me. I've had friends tell me for years that "I need better friends." (Wtf right??) I don't have the energy to pour into friendships. They're not easy like they used to be. And I'm tired of asking people to meet me where I'm at when they clearly don't understand.
Because it's been four damn years already.
And now, I've gone through all the savings I have left. I'm unable to work, but I'm not "disabled" enough to get disability funding. It's not like it would help me pay for an apartment, but I can't even afford food if I were on my own. I don't know how I will pay my basic bills. I keep "teasing" my care coordinator that "I'm about to go live in my car."
The mental dis-ease is creeping back, because I'm going through all the above "real life stress". I already had to worry about my sleep, my flashbacks, my panic attacks, but now there's "real life" -- and all the system says is, "You're doing great! It takes time!"... Does "time" put food in my mouth? Does "time" make the nightmares go away? Help me eat without anxiety about food? Does it help me build meaningful relationships again?
My mind reverts back to my younger self now: having to be dependent on people (and a system) that will constantly fail me and let me down. I have no money to seek further health-related help. I have realized that I am now 100% responsible for healing with my battery on 10%.
So what now?
I find joy in streaming. It gives me a sense of purpose to serve you all. But I don't have the space to hold myself, nonetheless the Communi-tea, as fragile as I am right now. I put an immense amount of energy into streaming, even as natural as it comes to me. But when I can't meet my basic needs, I have to place the little energy I have elsewhere.
Don't take this next statement as a request or me throwing a pity party -- but I haven't gotten a tip in 1.5 months. The last person to join a Membership was 2 months ago. 0 items of merch have been bought. Do I take my end of responsibility? Sure. Maybe the first round of designs sucked or something (I'm about to pull majority of them down anyway for Mental Health Awareness Month). But I'm aware of my audience. If yall are anything like me (since I am your peer and not a MH professional), we really can't afford shit hahah. Why would I rely on you all to support me fiscally? I've learned the majority of streamers have a 9-5 type job if they're not full-time streamers. That isn't even an option for me in this season. So my inner rationalist tells me, what the hell are you doing when you can't even meet your basic needs?
But, I can't discount the many beautiful and inspiring comments from all of you (I literally screenshot a bunch of them). I've seen you guys grow as people. I love the lightbulb moments you share with me, the gratefulness and your vulnerability. I've heard your raw testimonies of what this Communi-tea has meant to you. They are reminders that my work with stream has made a difference in your lives. And that's something I can't ignore.
So, I'm quitting, just for now. I don't know what TWAdri will look like moving forward. I'm literally just trying to wing it every day now. Maybe it'll be once a week randomly, or from time to time on my good days. Maybe completely re-fire up the stream later on (or sooner than we think!). I'll probably still post on Discord. Come out with new designs in the shop regardless. I may move completely to KICK since they pay their creators 95% instead of 50%!! (And if you have a Membership on Buymeacoffee, I will continue to send you mail + your shop discount codes. But since I won't be streaming regularly, you are still free to unsubscribe at any time. I appreciate you all so so much. <3)
I have to go and survive now, friends - until I can at least stabilize, then thrive. And I hope you'll stick around until then. I hope you guys continue to connect and support other regardless of whether I'm around or not -- because that was the point of this Communi-tea in the first place.
I'll do one "last" Just Chatting stream soon. And I can't wait to hear about your stories of healing and light whenever I am regularly back around.
Signing off with Love, Peace, Good Health, and Good Teas,
<3 Adri