I’m not ‘allowed’ - poetry
My success would make you actively
angry
No wonder I didn’t offer you pride
I would know that I did something wrong
The flash towards me
on stage
My devastation, as I have to fake it
When I see your eyes
..
There’s unspoken depth to this
My sickness, as I reflect on my crime
The resistance, that I had
let down for one minute
All I fought against, forever and, for so long
It wasn’t hard to ‘not do anything’
It comes naturally, I could argue
I’d give anything to take the freedom moment back
Stop time
..
Embodiment, that I needed for centuries
I know what could be yours
All of it that ‘isn’t for me’
Why do we all get to know our places
Learn what’s expected
And, what could never be mine
The giving that I poured
..
You resent me
and my subconscious knows my place, even though I’m outspoken
A drama queen, an exhibitionist, way Too much
Not deserving of your time
The moment of praise,
and now I’m ingratiating
From that second
Control. Alt. Delete
Have to take it away from me
Not have anyone else speak with them
Apologise, with my eyes
..
The murk of trauma soup
that floods out
and feels stomach-droppingly empty
Absorbed, now, in what I did wrong
..
No one saw that
No one clapped
No reason, for silent rage
The moment was temporary
We can forget it
From the start, act like it never happened
Almost certainly, it will take a few months, before the satisfaction in your soul
starts to feed you
You can have everything
And, I won’t celebrate, now
Move on
You mark the ‘official’ boundaries
and own the red tape
..
I’d pretend
I’d downplay me
Whilst rushing off, crying
Or, keeping it all inside
Hide your fury from others
As you are the only jury
You alarmed space and thymes
..
The pattern, I’ve leapt into
That I love you
and hate me, for
The scholar in (never) keeping you
happy
The trier
That makes my world die
Burrow down through the ground,
disillusion checking me, as I
stand sturdy
I fall through the floor
..
I’ve hurt me
I’ve hurt my insides, for so long
If you were on stage and were
being clapped, or commended
Who would be smiling, welling up
Overwhelmed with pride
My first knowledge would be that I
have to dismiss this
Cut off the heavy wrong
Flip the lack of celebration
I know that’s this is, now, how it should be
Cut off the chorus.
End the song
..
I smile with pride
I feel awkward
Go to people please
and calm your soul
This is for everything that you
do
I get myself stuck in mud
of this daily grind
Because I can’t be unreal
and I’m not capable of it
The moment, unexpected
That, just for that second
Felt too incredible, to be true
..
