Disclaimer: I considered not even wasting a nanosecond of mental energy on this, but I think other potential clients/ patients/ people should know about this individual. The era of unabashed TRUTHTELLING has arrived, and I am just getting started.
Part I: Sage & Salt Lamps
I made a mistake. I entrusted my healing, or a portion of my healing, to an extremely gnarly narcissist (a gnarcissist?). I fell into her trap. Anyone who's dealt with a narcissist, or been deeply ensnared by one knows just how harmful these types of individuals are. Unfortunately, I had to find out the hard way. How could an intelligent woman like myself fall prey to this kind of person? A person who, to be clear, is self-centered, feels superior to others, sets her own rules arbitrarily, takes no responsibility for her actions, falsely accuses others of her own wrongdoing, pretends to be something she is not, has no genuine empathy, is not sorry for anything, is incapable of sincere love, uses people for her own gain and lies, and has no conscience? Because this gnarcissist was initially charming, funny, seemingly kind, supportive, had a lot of honest and sweet friends, and essentially played the game that she needed to play to present herself as righteous and trustworthy. And it worked really well on a younger version of myself and apparently, on a lot of others.
I met her in Long Beach about eight years ago at a yoga studio in the neighborhood. I was throwing up in the bathroom mid-yoga class because I accidentally mixed grapefruit with supplements, then did 90 minutes of intense yoga (note: this is a very bad idea). She had a tea shop in the studio and offered me some warm vedic tea as I came crawling out of the bathroom. Then she sold me an ayurvedic lunch set, what she happened to be hawking that day. I distinctly remember that as she was doing ayurvedic cooking and consultations for people that day, my VERY first impression of her was that she was not necessarily blowing hot air, but that she was really using her South Asianness to play up her authority in the field and to position herself as an expert and a healer of sorts. This would be done, of course, to capitalize on individuals who knew less than her about ayurveda and would in turn use her services (note: first impressions are often spot-on correct and the older I get, the more I have learned to trust the information I receive from and about people's vibe straight-away). Her vibe was off a bit, but I overrode that impression as I was new to the area and I was hungry for connection. She was a very smart woman, no doubt, and a scholar no less, someone I could rap to about globalization, capitalism, life in Asia, imperialism, cultural appropriation, and the like. Thus far in Long Beach, I had found this to be rare. Freshly back to the West from East Asia and having fairly recently finished my master's in international relations in Tokyo, I was hungry for intellectual interactions in Long Beach. I am a feminist. I am a scholar, and I really value both intellectual and emotional connections with other free-thinking women. In fact, these may well be the life blood of my existence, and I place a super high value on these bonds. Powerful women are my jam. Intelligent women are the best. Multicultural and multilingual women are gold. I love to see women who thrive. Age and discernment are teaching me how to follow my gut about who's genuine and who's not in the realm of female and also just general human interactions, but I wasn't yet too attuned at that time, shall we say.
I remember playfully sending this woman a YouTube video called "Shut Up and Listen" about NGOs needing to listen to the developing African communities they serve. We had a good laugh over this video and how dumb European imperialists can be when they think they can school locals about their own land and farming techniques in an environment they know literally nothing about.
After the first time we net, I next hit this woman up for some ayurvedic food to supplement a green cleanse I was doing for my health. Because of these transactions, we would chat about the rather hilarious and hyperbolic yoga community that exists in Long Beach, having a chuckle here and there about the ways in which Eastern healing arts and traditions all got simplified, whitewashed, reduced down to an American convenience model for easy consumption and applicability to a hypercapitalist lifestyle that only further perpetuates white supremacy and socioeconomic as well as racial stratification. The L.A. yoga trends and all that became buzzworthy annoyed both of us as authentically Asian women, and her much more as someone much more closely linked to the Indian subcontinent than I. We even at that time created a blog together called Sage and Salt Lamps, a reference to what the West had taken from the much more esoteric and complex rituals and practices of our respective Eastern ancestral lineages. We shared the idea that there was a lot of horseshit happening all around us, and I felt safe and happy being able to speak to another Asian woman who understood the depth and breadth of her roots while living in the West, someone who wasn't drinking the Kool-Aid but was instead drinking golden milk with the right proportions of spices and who was sharing that golden milk with me.
Our relationship was largely what I thought to be a warm one, one in which because of her seniority to me as well as her more rooted establishment and stronger financial security as a married woman of an upper-class Sri Lankan background, she played the big sister role well, and for a time, I played the little sister one. In this role, she got overbearing, but I was used to overbearing Asian women to be honest (I've been around a lot of them), and so I didn't think twice about this dynamic. It was what it was. I opened my heart and bore aspects of my soul to this woman. She knew some of the intimate details of my life, some of my wounds, my traumas, my triumphs, my finances, and my family. Because of course, she asked. This was an intimate relationship, a female friendship of profound proportions. At least for me. Resultingly, I was invited to dinner parties and family events: a daughter's moon ceremony for one. I ate Sri Lankan curries, lunu miris, kiribath, and the like. No doubt, I benefited from aspects of being friends with this yet-to-be-revealed gnarcissist. The bohemian dinner parties she threw were always colorful, and they provided some much-needed vibrancy in what was otherwise a rather dull, economically/ culturally-stunted, and lonely city. There were smoky mezcals brought over from Mexico and enjoyed, Dia de los Muertos altars we set up together and prayed to our ancestors in front of, Korean Maangchi dinners I cooked in her kitchen with stuffed pumpkins and chestnut rice, walks to nearby coffee shops, vegan ice creams eaten together (shout out to Hug Life!). In the words of the Long Beach yoga community, we had energy exchange and for awhile, it seemed to be mutually beneficial. That was until...
Part II: Schadenfreude & "Sympathy"
Most people know I got sick with Long Covid. Very very sick. By now, this is no secret. I have spoken openly about this in order to share information with people about the illness, to connect with others who have suffered from Long Covid, and to facilitate my own healing. I have been successful in this as I am now living a healthy, vibrant life, am no longer suffering the physical symptoms of Long Covid, and have established beautiful connections with people on my healing path. I am now at a place where I'm grateful to Covid for what it taught me and what it brought me, but it took A LOT of struggle to get to this place, and I still wouldn't wish Long Covid on anyone, not even an enemy or a gnarcissist. Contrary to popular belief, Long Covid is not a psychosomatic disease, nor is it a condition that makes people feel a little tired. It is a spectrum of organ/ body damage that is often connected to a host of other misunderstood chronic illnesses like ME/CFS, POTS, and more well-known illnesses like cancer. Long Covid caused me so much bodily damage from neurological to gastrointestinal to pulmonary, to vascular to endocrine that I couldn't eat, regularly sit, stand, walk, or read for years on end. I had five surgeries... I had a tumor removed... but I digress. I am actually a miracle case of severe Long Covid recovery. For many Long Covid sufferers, there is no magic pill, potion, herb, mantra, or any cure of any sort. There are still millions missing, millions of lives affected horribly by this virus.
Initially after I caught Covid in early 2020, the gnarcissist seemed concerned. She would call me where I was in Houston after my move to see how I was doing, At the time, I thought the concern was genuine but in retrospect, I see it was actually just about nosiness. There is nothing that this woman does out of genuine concern for others because she, like other gnarcissists, I have learned, doesn't feel like other people. She's not concerned in a heart sense. Rather, she WANTS TO KNOW. There's a huge difference between the two.
Always positioning herself above you. She's the healer. She walks on water. She knows more than you. About everything. Always. This is what we sometimes call a topper. Because no matter what you've done in life, she'll try to top you. My favorite quote upon her learning I was drinking Pedialyte for electrolytes while bedridden, disabled, and alone in Houston: "My kids don't drink Pedialyte. They drink agave water."
Do you know how absurd it actually is to receive lectures on social justice and privilege from a woman who has married multiple white men for position and property? How much this woman ranted in my face about my own white adjacency (I'm half white which doesn't make me a white woman) for dealing with white people and my own family members when she was one of the most white adjacent brown women/ social justice "warriors" I've ever met in my life? A "warrior" with a full-time job in the ivory tower, health insurance, multiple properties across multiple continents, none of which is necessarily wrong, but simply complete and utter hypocrisy if you're going to go around judging others who possess none of the aforementioned privileges of white adjacency and class privilege. This is straight up abusive, like much of her behavior. Girl, bye.
What I have Learned from the Gnarcissist
Authenticity repels gnarcissists. Walk in your truth.
Do not befriend people who like to engage in idle gossip. Set boundaries around this type of behavior or get up and leave the room. Better yet, leave their lives forever. If someone likes to gossip about others to you, know that they're doing it to you as well when you're not in the room. To anyone who thinks this woman is your friend, know that she has aired out all your dirty laundry to me (while I was ill) and probably to everyone else. I know what she perceives of you, your weaknesses, your faults and flaws, your family dysfunction, your kids, your aspirations and dreams. I have heard her mock your career aspirations, your love life, your family wounding, all of it. I didn't wanna know and I would've gotten up and left the room if I was mobile at the time. I heard too many things that were none of my business, and this woman is nobody's true friend. If you're wondering if this includes you, it includes a Long Beach acupuncturist and his yoga-teaching wife and children, an Ayurvedic Indian-American female doctor who moved to Tulum with her kids, a fellow Sri Lankan anthropologist and her Sri Lankan husband and mother, a Mexican jewelry maker and yogi, an ayurvedic practitioner she co-facilitated a retreat with in Cabo, an Indian-American music festival organizer/ L.A. resident, a yoga studio owner in Long Beach she had a falling out with, and the list goes on and on and on and on. Know that this chismosa has aired ALL your personal business ALL over the place and dragged you behind your back to me and others.
If you find yourself as a "healer" in this community and you still associate with the likes of this woman and/or gossip with her, you need to check yo'self before you wreck yo'self. Humans you treat are not to be discussed with other practitioners unless at patient request. You are not entitled to subject them to community gossip just because you laid hands on them once. I met so many healers in Long Beach who could not stop flapping their gums without discretion or the basic decency to respect something as fundamental and essential as the hippocratic oath.
If you are part of a spiritual or healing community and you are taking part in people's healing journey by sharing space with them, laying hands on them, or treating them in any capacity, you are not at liberty to discuss their bodies, minds, and spirits with others in the community without their consent. Just because everyone is "friends" or a fake "family," you do not have the right to discuss others' health unless you explicitly request permission and are granted it. It's unethical. And don't even try to play me or anyone else into thinking your bad gossip habit is done out of "concern" for me or any other patient. Just no.
Do not think that just because someone is racially and culturally from a PGM (people of the global majority) lineage, that they have the tools, skills, and level of consciousness necessary to do mindful, trauma-informed, and powerful healing work. White women get a very bad rap these days but interestingly, some of the most evolved, safe, gentle, and effective healers I have met are unpretentious white women. Unpopular opinion nowadays, and I don't care. I have deep respect for anyone of any background who is doing "the work" of self-evolution and raising self-awareness. This work is largely ugly and uncomfortable but is necessary to lay healing hands on anyone. These individuals may be white, black, brown, or any other color on the spectrum.
Really observe people, how they act around you... not just what they say but what they DO. OBSERVE.
Don't give your power away to people for nothin'.
A gnarcissist's husband is often her primary supplicant.
This woman changed up her gnarcissistic supply like she did nail polish colors, though she often goes with a soft pink color on those nails.
Some people, no matter how much "spiritual work" they say they are doing are chasing their tails around like dogs. If your heart is not becoming wider, more open, more vulnerable, and more compassionate as you grow older, you are doing spiritual jerk-off sessions. You are not doing the work.
Humble yourself. A lot of self-proclaimed "healers" are not qualified to do this work and/or are so caught up in the spiritual capitalism game, they hide their shortcomings or aren't even aware of them. Also, maybe it's not up to you to call yourself a healer.
One is not ready to do deeply meaningful healing work with others until they have done their own emotional work and evolved to a higher level of consciousness. I apply this to myself as well. I used to teach feng shui classes and take clients. While I was quite knowledgeable about the subject, looking back, I still had a lot of my own emotional growth work to do in order to be able to touch the lives of others more profoundly than I did. I know this now.
This is all to say that if you see a short Sri Lankan woman with jangly jewelry on in Long Beach and she tries to sell you some workshops or ayurvedic food or some spices or elixirs, walk, better yet, run in the opposite direction. Do not let her take advantage of your illness or your vulnerability.
And if you, gnarcissist, are ever reading this, if these words ever waft towards Ohio Avenue, know that you did not get away with what you did. You trieddddd it. And you know what you did. You are queen of nothing but the love bomb.
Also, thank you. It is partially because of your malice that I am now living my best life in Taiwan. I can transmute any negative energy anyone throws my way into power. I am that bitch. Don't worry. I'll be back in Long Beach sometimes. You'll see me on dem streets again.