We’re in the car on our way to an appointment with a heart surgeon. My appointment with a heart surgeon. Me.
I wasn’t going to post a poem today but I wrote one yesterday, while in another hospital, where I spent the weekend, after being transported via ambulance. Me.
For the past few years I’ve told so many of you around me that I’ve felt like God was “punishing” me. I felt “punished” because I have not been “allowed” to do what I wanted to, move like I wanted to, proceed as I wanted to. It was like I’d been put in timeout. Over the past few years, almost EVERYTHING I have tried to do as far as working especially, has fallen apart. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. To the point where over the last year, every opportunity, my job, my ability to move around, had been restricted. And I kept saying to people, “I’m not in control of this. God won’t let me do anything but stay in the house. It’s like God sat me down. God won’t let me do nothing!”. Because that’s what it felt like. I’m a great artist/performer, great barber, I worked as a home inspector and managed a property preservation company a few years ago, I was great at that too. All of it fell apart. For me at least. Me.
When my bogeyman died in January of 2024, what had been 30 years of stress was lifted from me and I felt fantastic!!! I was so ready to TAKEOFF! And I put out 4 books, recorded and posted over 170 poems, grew my audience by fantastic numbers, and I was looking forward to finally being able to LIVE and DO and GO and BE.
But about 9 months ago I started experiencing heart palpitations. Sporadically at first, once every couple of months. Then I started having them every few weeks. I spoke to my doctor about them and initially was told that I might be experiencing anxiety or stress, especially if I was over-exerting myself. I rationalized that maybe due to my frustration with not working and being “sat down” or “punished”, as I was saying it, maybe I was causing the palpitations. I blamed myself. Tried to calm down and get okay with this “still” season and do what I could in preparation for what I’m sure is the grand next for me.
A few months ago the palpitations got more frequent and I again told my doctor and they performed an echocardiogram. The results indicated that I needed an ultrasound of my heart, which was done last Thursday.
When I left the ultrasound appointment I drove home with a sense that something was wrong, just based on how the tech was looking at the machine while scanning my chest.
I didn’t even make it all the way home before I got a call from my doctor. I had a severely dilated aorta, aneurysm, and need surgery very soon. That was Thursday. They had me come in Friday to meet with a doctor to discuss in more detail these things, and I was told that the issue, which had been probably going on for awhile was in a state that has been vulnerable to “bursting”, exploding and well…
They made an appointment for me to see a surgeon on Monday, which is today. But before I could get here, on Saturday I started experiencing severe chest pains, palpitations, sweating, cold extremities, and I called the doctor who had me call an ambulance which transported me to the hospital. They admitted me, treated me, ran a battery of tests and came back with the diagnosis of atrial fibrillation and the aneurysm. The latter being expressed to me of extreme significance. They released me last night so that I could make this surgery appointment.
Before I go on….
I’m at peace. I’m cool. Even more so than you might expect, but especially for this reason: I have been telling EVERYONE that I was not lazy, or inept, or trying to not do stuff. I felt with 100% conviction that something (for me that something being God) was preventing me from doing stuff. As much as I have been complaining, as far as I’ve gotten behind, as long as I have been struggling. I knew that God was holding me back.
In the hospital yesterday the cardiologist says in plain english, succinctly, and with incredible intention: This is serious. This could have burst, or burst at any moment, and you could be dead. Me.
The doctor Thursday told me to function like I’m on bedrest until further notice.
I’m writing this from my appointment. The doctors (a team of them) just came in. Pause.
I’ll be having open heart surgery in the next month.
Not a noninvasive procedure that I was hoping for. Not in and out. Open heart surgery. Damn.
Me.
Breathe.
I’m grateful. I trust God. I know what I know. I know what I had been feeling. I know what I had been saying.
Open heart surgery. Me.
Like this life ain’t already been full of adventure.
Had I known I was still going to go through all of this, maybe I should have drank, smoke, done drugs, and screwed my life away, lol.
I’m being silly.
I thank God.
“A ticking time bomb”. That’s what they have been saying. That my heart could have burst at any moment over this time.
Hate to be the one to say, “I told you so” but I told y’all it wasn’t me holding me back.
It was God. Not punishing me, but preserving me. Not holding me back, but holding on to me.
I’m grateful.
On the way to the appointment I started recording this poem. The sound is meh, but the message is still the message. The way that the last few days have been going, I almost expected for them to keep me today and do a minor in/out procedure. Wishful thinking. But I wanted to put up a poem just in case. But I’m on my way home, to spend the next few weeks, ummm not “bursting”, lol.
Hey, you’d better laugh. Because life is hilarious. I swear it is.
If you don’t do nothing else, you’d better smile.
Smile.
-see
#seethepoet #youneedyou #whatseesay #thesewordswork