The journey of fatherhood: memories and challenges
During the early summer months of 2023, about a year ago from today, in the last week of April, my wife gave birth to our baby boy. In those days, mornings would be warm, hot and sunny, while the afternoons brought in relief with a mild shower, occasional lightning and thunder. Could they have been showers of blessings? They were definitely surreal. Amidst the undecided weather, in a tiny corner of a hospital in Kerala (God’s Own Country), my son was born. We got promoted to the post of being parents. I had become a dad.
My first glimpse of my baby in the infant observation trolley left me filled with awe and wonder. There lay a tiny, cute blessing straight from heaven, a part of me. He had these slow wriggly movements with his hands and feet, probably feeling the air against his limbs for the first time. The fact that I had become a father was still sinking in.
Although now privileged to be called parents, we were still amateurs in our new roles and had to seek the help of our parents. Our baby’s persistent cries worried us, episodes of regurgitation worried us, his days of constipation during the initial months worried us. We were unsure whether the temperature in the room made him uncomfortable. Anxiety poured in despite the fact that we were both doctors who had worked in paediatric and neonatal departments during our training days. The emotional connect was perhaps, stronger here as with every individual parent and their child.
Authentic online resources on parenting were helpful, including the ones on Substack. As though social media were spying on us, our Instagram reels and Google ads were bombarded with content and products related to babies. The reels were relatable and enjoyable, reminding us that parental struggles are not unique to us.
Due to my work-related commitments, I couldn’t be with my wife and son every day of his first year. But whenever I got a break, mostly during weekends, I would rush over to them. Although, I wasn’t always present, the video apps came as a boon. Thank you, internet! I could now see my baby every day even though I was miles away from him. From a distance, I watched his milestones. His first grin, his attempts to roll over, sit, and stand up. These continue to play on loop in my brain.
My wife balanced work and motherhood like a pro in my absence. She was aware of every milestone that happened and that was to come, even the subtlest ones. Sleep was a luxury for her, and if our baby decided to gift her some sleep time, she would still be awake worrying about why he didn’t wake up to feed.
When I would be with them, I shared the night patrol. If he woke up with incessant crying, I'd try singing and rocking him to sleep. It would work 9 out of 10 times. I could see him inquisitively watching my lip movements, attempting to listen to my singing as he drifted off to sleep. I would then tuck him under his comforter cautiously. He had some kind of gyroscope in him. The moment I shift him from my arms to the bed, he wakes up. This arm to bed transfer still continues to be a tricky one.
Once my boy could support his head, I did the ‘Lion King lift up’ and showed him an aerial view of our home. I told him that everything the light touches in the room is his, after he grows up and understands danger. He has specifically ignored that and continues to empty shelves and drawers such that we had to baby proof our home. Now, he tries to take out the baby proofing. I also told him to brace himself for dad jokes.
From my wife’s antenatal days and even now, we are frantically reading up on how to parent. Unfortunately, no amount of information could prepare us completely for this exciting journey. With the help of our parents, we put whatever we learnt into practice. It was tough, no doubt. But it was also fun and rewarding. Watching our son’s smile is the best thing we could ask for. It fills us with immense joy.
We realized that we were not going to savour these moments again. He was growing, which meant he was gradually changing. Gone with the old mannerisms and in with the new. His neck was barely visible yesterday, but now we can see it. His toothless grin is unforgettable, although we love his new grin with milk teeth.
With age came tantrums. There came frowns, grunts, cries and teary eyes when we took things away from him that could have been hazardous. Watching him cry was painful, but we were doing the right thing. Our smartphone camera is overloaded with his pictures to always remember and cherish his infancy, which we definitely miss. Change is the only constant. We had to accept that.
What it means to be a father
I believe it means shouldering numerous responsibilities. It involves nurturing a strong bond with my son, providing guidance, love, and emotional support, while being a positive role model. It also means providing for his needs, teaching life skills, values, virtues, faith, and playing a significant part in his upbringing.
Am I doing the best to be a good dad? I don’t know but I'm trying to. My dad is my inspiration. So, I pray earnestly, every day, that I can be as great a dad to him as he is to me.
Some of you may have had broken families due to various reasons with the conspicuous absence of a father figure. Even so, if you plan on being a dad, do not worry. How you raise your kids need not be how you were raised. Be your own version of a great dad. You never learn enough before becoming a father and you never learn enough after being one. The journey of fatherhood is an ongoing process. Teach your children how to choose the right path. They in turn teach their children. The cycle continues.