it hurts that i even have to prelude this with this statement but here goes!
“this is not an attack on you as a person”.
this is a entry to free my mind, to begin to release the rage.
dear journal,
HOW FUCKING IRONIC!
i love how people think that because they are in your life in some way - friend, relative, spouse or any of the numerous fucking irrelevant labels in this fucking world - they feel like they have the right to speak about/to you anyway. not to mention the ones who go around spreading their shitty energy accompanied by delusional beliefs that they are doing what’s best for you or saying something to you to help you. I JUST LOVE THAT SHIT 😒😒😒 & these interesting interactions with these fucking INTERESTING HUMANS! 😂😂😂
i don’t need anybody to tell me to “look into myself” anymore - i been doing that shit for years now after being molested by someone who i thought i could trust at 12 years old! i’ve written hundreds or maybe even thousands of pages diving into the deep fucking shit filled corners of my mind for years now - THAT IS HOW I HAVE SURVIVED DEPRESSION FOR SO LONG!
i have had no choice but to search every crevice & corner of my mind just to keep myself alive. all the thoughts that seep in through the cracks trying to convince me that everything is my fucking fault; the ones that make me feel like a failure more times than i can count; the ones that try to tell me that i am not worthy of the good in life; the ones that are an echo of men who say hurtful things when they are refused by my energy: the ones of family pain & trauma; & not to mention the ones that ever so often try to push me to turn to the fucking dark side & not give a fucking shit about this life anymore!
i have no fucking choice but to look into myself everyday, to dig deep & find all the bullshit that was programmed into me so that i can let it all go! at the end of each day when i close my eyes i gotta be happy with ME!
oh how funny it is when interesting humans think that a good education or being the most educated in the family(WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS!) is what it takes to survive & thrive in this world!🤔 no amount of book & school education could prepare me for all the shitloads of trauma that i have had to unpack over the years due to the programming of this entire society - from parents & family members right down to the schools i attended. i got a good education but when was the last time you inquired about my mental health though, my emotional health? no amount of education & knowing what to do can get you moving & doing what is necessary to deal with depression & suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. this is why by the grace of god i am finally getting therapy to deal with all the shit loads of trauma & rage that has been bottled up inside me for decades.
A PSA!!!
to all those who watch & have something to say (whether you are brave enough to say it to my face or you are a fucking coward who whispers behind my back) - I GIVE NO FUCKS ANYMORE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK OF ME - i don’t care who YOU are! that’s where i am at! KEEP WATCHING THOUGH!
you being “disappointed” in me, who i’ve become or am becoming & what i am doing with my life - I AGAIN GIVE NO FUCKS! the only thing i give fucks to is my man’s dick 🤪🤪🤪
to those who may not have the self-awareness yet to grasp this notion - you only are “disappointed” in me because you have expectations of me. & who are you to have expectations of me might i ask? expectations are the breeding ground for a life of disappointment. i live my life with no expectations, with ONLY GOOD INTENTIONS. i invite you to do the same! NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE I HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS OF YOU - i am free enough within myself to honor your beautiful existence in this way. you can be around me & be exactly who & what you are & i will never have the audacity to judge you from the point of view of any futile expectations!
to those that feel like it is ok to tell me to stop crying when they see me crying - KINDLY SHUT THE FUCK UP! emotions are meant to be felt. don’t try to quiet my expression of my emotions to make yourself feel better about the disconnection you have with yours 😒😒😒
I GET TO smile this brightly because i have embraced the moments of uncontrollable tears that have left me gasping for air to breath!
I GET TO express joy & happiness & laugh hysterically because i have lived & embraced the moments of depression & sadness when i curled into a ball of nothing on the floor.
I GET TO dance, flow & move my body without care, with true freedom because i have lived & embraced the moments of stagnancy.
I GET TO utter my truth, use my voice & share my story because i have lived & embraced the moments when i didn’t feel like what i had to say mattered, when i felt like silence was my only option.
i get to bask in this beautiful freedom of my existence because I have lived & embraced the moments when i have not only been caged by others but have also caged myself.
i could go on & on - all to emphasize the fact that i am an infinite being. i don’t live & exist in one dimension. i express what comes up so that it doesn’t stagnate inside & drive me insane!
my peace of mind is all that matters right now - it keeps me alive, it gives me the strength to chose to live another day. i will no longer allow anyone to fuck with that. i’ve been too nice, open, lenient & generous with my energy all these years. it’s time for some boundaries!
i send you massive amounts of love, compassion, kindness & forgiveness as you continue to navigate this life experience - we are all here doing our best.
Sincerely,
LOVE
