Today's post comes courtesy of a social media convo I had to exit before I got too heated and resorted to maladaptive behaviors like calling some of the folks in the thread ignorant AF, among other things. Yes, I'm prone to a bad temper like anyone else. I do yoga to manage it better. And something about denying women their basic human rights, especially in life-or-death scenarios, really raises my ire.
However, you can't convince someone who believes that a microscopic cell deserves more rights than a living, breathing, fully grown and developed human woman otherwise. They're totally convinced that a fertilized egg at any stage --- even a microscopic cell, even an embryo smaller than the pinky nail on the woman's finger --- is deserving as the same rights as fully formed human being. Beyond that --- they think it is the woman's responsibility to keep this microscopic clump of cells going, even at great risk to her health, future fertility and life.
It doesn't matter that said clump of cells has nothing resembling a nervous system --- the requisite hardware you need to be aware of pain or, well, anything, until the 24th or 25th week of pregnancy. It matters not that what the woman carries in her belly is not sentient, not aware, not "alive" in the sense that it is capable of thought or even processing any type of input, let alone thriving outside of her flesh. It's the potential that matters.
Hey --- you can't argue with "potential," right? I mean, even if she's enrolled in medical school, how likely is it that a mere woman will someday go on to cure cancer? That clump of cells, though --- that has "potential."
So let's take that potential argument a step further.
You can't fertilize an egg without a sperm. That's science.
Every time a man masturbates, he wastes 100 million sperm.
100 million.
Do you know how many potential cancer cures a man carelessly wipes with his cum sock every time he wanks one off?
Now, that's an affront to potential life. All that potential. Down the drain.
We're talking genocide here.
And it happens every day in America.
If we're truly serious about safeguarding potential life, the only logical thing to do is to pass a sweeping ban on male masturbation. It's the only way to spare the hundreds of millions of potential lives these slutty, immoral men flush down toilets and toss in the laundry every single day.
Granted, it's a little tougher to identify a crank yanker than it is to harass a woman swinging by Planned Parenthood. Fortunately, Texas, that oh-so-progressive state, has shown us a model: we need to set a bounty. Anyone can report a male for masturbating. They can harvest cum socks for evidence, and when the DNA leads officials back to the offending perpetrator, the reporter receives $10,000 while the wanker goes to jail to repent his misdeeds.
Granted, some men might need a little help sticking with the program. But fortunately, there are tools that can help. Guys who can't keep it in their pants can lock their organs in this nifty pee-pee protector that keeps them from wanking. They can entrust the key only to their wives, who will only remove the device when they have sex --- for the purpose of procreation only. Then, that troublesome organ goes back in his protective cage.
Does this measure seem extreme? Of course not. We have to be serious about protecting potential life here in America.
Just remember, fellas, every time you wank it, you aren't destroying hundreds of millions of things that look like this: 
Just as the vast, vast majority of women seeking abortion aren't destroying something that looks like this:
That is really the size of this:
Nope. Every time you yank that crank, you're murdering this. So just stop it. You're wasting potential life. And it's high past time men start paying for that "crime."
Look at this picture every time you feel tempted to masturbate, men. That picture on the bottom? That's what you're killing with your selfish need to relieve stress by wanking one out. Sorry, but if you can't restrain yourself, you can invest in a pee-pee cage. They're only $20.97 and available at Walmart.
As for the ladies, well, our masturbation practices aren't tied to our fertility. Our eggs pop out only once a month, so the other 29 to 30 days are free for fun. You can release those good vibrations nearly any time you see fit.
Sorry guys. It's only science.