I have been in such a mad little place as you know, life just turned upside down for me. It was like going on holiday and coming back to find your house has been destroyed by a massive, mad, storm.
I find myself with two feelings; firstly I feel like I am floating among the debris of a life I used to know, I can see parts of my life, parts of myself passing me by, out of reach weather they meant something or not, the debris no longer fitting my form of that which I am. Secondly, I feel like when I ground, I see all the potential options around me, career wise, home life, talents, skills, experience, people... I know that some are more of use than others, but I am overwhelmed with all the options. How did I get here exactly, how did I lose myself, how did my life 'break' in to what feels like a million pixels to be fractured forever? How do I rebuild?
The obvious position I am in is that I have lost so much of myself, who I was, what I did, where I lived, how I felt, but how?
This thought led me to the other thought, this type of loss of self does not happen over night, this loss of self happens bit by bit, over a long period of time of compromising your personal boundaries and living to please others before yourself.
I have been on a massive healing or awakening journey and I can see all the times I compromised my true self to fit in with someone's perception of me or who I should be, the times I silenced my opinions and feelings so as not to rock a boat or create an atmosphere. The decisions I have made to play small not big, to please others not myself and I can see that I have lost and betrayed who I am for so long I don't even know what it is and you know what.... its scary. It is scary to wake up at 43 and think .... shit .. who am I really. If I am not all that has come before then who am I?
It is a disorientating thought isn't it? I know I am not alone. So how do we achieve the wisdom of 'know thyself'. Well, one of my oldest and bestest friends who is a super power to human kind (Ria) uses and suggests a body scan approach, are we getting any triggers physically as we move forward and what is that telling us? Working in unison with the indicators of the body mind connection is an obvious and undeniable form of wisdom that is almost trained out of us from childhood rather than ingrained in to us to go to our inner wisdom.
I am feeling a lot of overwhelm and anxiety and am having to go to my affirmations as my body (with a little help from my friend Emily Teague and Soulinspiration) freaks out, gets anxious, gets panicked and my brain goes in to fear and condemn. I have had a narrative playing out of not being good enough, or able to do anything my whole life and with help and guidance from wonderful people I am trying to teach my mind a new story.. and it freaks it out lol!
The point I am in now is I really have no option... I have to push past the pain barriers, the discomfort as I am literally starting from scratch on so many of my core pillars and getting to know who I really am without the people pleasing and the limiting beliefs.
I mean, we do actually always have an option, we can choose to come from the disempowered narrative which is ego and fear based and we do do that don't we as an act of protection.
But what I want and what we all want is not protection but a positive projection from our current, lower vibrational circumstances to our higher calling, our high vibrational life. This takes being the hero, which is empowered, but what is the driving force behind the empowered choice making? It is blind faith!! It is following hunches with no evidence of success or the desired outcome but trusting the process and having faith you are supported in your courage.
Sometimes the courageous thing to do is just to get up and not give up and to keep putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes its taking a massive leap that makes sense to no one but you have a hunch or an intuitive feeling or instinct.
I find myself now only knowing that I must do one thing and that is take care of myself, not to 'do' all the time, but to sit, to meditate, to bring balance back in to my diet, to give back to myself , to fortify. It seems this is the work for now, I believe the inner work the work on the self has to happen to step in to our hero and I believe we need trust and faith for this and courage to take action.
Wish Me Luck. I have no idea what comes next but I think I will start vlogging about it for you. I hope to pay it forward to those that need it as you know I love the each one teach one philosophy. At this point I am able to teach burlesque which lights us all up, I am able to do food intolerance tests but I need to coach myself in to my rebirth on a mental, physical and spiritual level before I get back in to all that.
Thanks as always for being with me, love you loads
Be your best friend first.
and if you are part of my voice note network then thank you I would be lost without you xx
Bex