I have decided to use this account to document my personal journey back to self. I have my website where I will keep content less personal and more informative, but here is my space to share the journey.
As you know it is my ultimate dream that my fulltime career goals are to be a full time writer in the personal and spiritual development world, this dream has lingered and knocked about in my head for years but the persistence really picked up 3 years ago.
Knowing you are going to write a book and writing a book are two different things and the challenge is real. Content would and does flow out of me, all about how life is a game and how to win it and then I would get blocked, stuck or distracted.
What became obvious to me is the story could only go as far as I was, the story, the book is my story, but not uniquely mine, it is the story of all of us just trying to find our way home back to the truth of who we are and who we came to be.
I remember when I was writing the section of the book that I called 'Remember Who You Are' and as I was talking about what love is really, I had a little voice saying to me..... is it love you receive then? If love is not control and if love is slow to anger are you loved? Obviously as we are all too used to doing, I ignored the whisper the voice asking me to question my current reality and just carried on regardless. The book did not carry on regardless as the book doesn't come from me it comes through me and obviously they wanted to play the waiting game until I listened and until I learned.
A friend of mine who is an incredible healer talks about the similar narrative in my book fear being ego and love being our highest self, she says the ego is loud and often leads the way and love and the highest version of you is always a quiet whisper, often drowned out by ego keeping us from our truth and from our peace.
We may find it easy to ignore the voice inside us that asks us to question what we believe, if we do we will be sent situations that give us an opportunity to listen and take action or listen and do nothing.
This is the hero isn't it as previously discussed. The hero would never hear something unjust and say or do nothing otherwise they wouldn't be a hero.
I am grateful for my universal guides who must actually be saints considering the amount of patience they need as I sit and wait too long to save myself.
I am on my heroes path now, my journey home to self but of course it is not just 'ta-da' and you are there, if you are a long way from home, from truth you have a long road ahead of you back, full of challenges, full of distractions, full of pot holes to test your commitment to the journey home.
It is a journey of unbecoming... of realizing all you have been and done no longer serves you and you are to rebuild your life piece by piece. I wonder if we all have one strong area and the rest we need to build on and maybe use that strong area as our inspiration.
My strong area is being a Mother. I know that every day I am the best Mum I can be, I am completely and entirely devoted to being my children's Mum and it brings me so much joy I live alone for that, they are the reason I smile when I go to sleep and why I wake up looking forward to life because being their mother is what makes my world go round and keep spinning. So this and friendships are strong areas for me, others are not. In these areas especially the mother role I ask myself how it is successful?
It is successful as I am fully and completely both my messy and brilliant self and they love me for it as I love them, I am confident in it, I listen to them, I let them be them and I respond, I listen to hear not to respond, I take action daily to help them reach their goals and aspirations and help them understand where their peace and happiness lays, I am completely connected to them and them to me, we smash the shit out of connection and we love it. You can hear from my tone I have no self doubt here, nobody could convince me I was a bad Mum, I know its not true, I have a lot of confidence and a lot of joy. I don't have a handbook, I go with the flow and it is the most beautiful part of my life's journey and no doubt always will be. But what can I learn from this? Do I have this level of feeling, confidence, undefeatable energy around relationships, career and finances which are notoriously my weak areas? No I don't and the universe, once you declare your intention to up level your life will show you this.
So I know in those weak areas I carry self doubt, self destruct, self loathing, low self worth, in relationships I have always changed myself to be more 'loveable' I have not been me! I have tired to be someone I am not in some ways or tried so hard to be more then exhaust myself. I have let fear tell me I am not good enough to pursue the dream that won't leave me, I have let fear set me back, hold me back in all areas other than mothering and friendship and the outcomes are in line with those thoughts, feelings, vibrations and actions.
We are always the obstacle and always the way. I am learning to live with momentum and with the winning effect. To acknowledge my strengths, to see what makes them work and then apply them to my weak areas and in doing so I become more 'me' every day, my downtrodden 'muchness' is leaving its 'wintering' stage and I being reborn.
I have been planted in a mountain of shit and goodness at the same time , I have cried myself a river, I have been breathless with grief, I have basically been a seed in exactly the right place at the right time. Life is a gift always, sometimes setbacks are an opportunity for your biggest growth yet to come.
I am coming back as a fuckin sunflower my friends with ability to disperse radiation (negative shit) and shine like that big, tall, golden yellow flower and in doing so I will have the ability to spread the seeds of awakening, of beauty, truth and love.
Returning home to self leaves you open to experience the elements but that is what is all about and although I know I am in for a rocky road for a while on my return to love at least I know if I keep pushing through I will get there, I will remember and become who I came here to be
If you feel called to please share and like and drop me a note of what you think and where you are, never give up on being you and following that whisper that believes in you.
Much Love
Becca x
www.rebeccamcqueen.co.uk