I ask myself this question a lot. I look at myself in the mirror. I recognize my reflection, but something is...different. It's not that I don't like who I see. There's a sadness or weariness that wasn't there before. But I don't think all of that sadness is mine. It feels like a reflection of the state of the world. Even when the sun is out and birds are chirping and music is playing, I feel a heaviness.
I go to coffee shops and restaurants and sometimes people smile and say hi. The smiles seem forced. I get the sense that they probably want to cry. I want to cry too. We're all struggling mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, socially. We can't talk about it though. At least that's what we tell ourselves.
I know this moment in time is changing me. Is it changing me for the better? Or worse? Am I getting stronger or weaker? I've had a few strangers tell me I'm a "good person" and I deserve happiness. I wonder: What makes you a "good person"? I also find it interesting that the people who told me this are white and cisgender. If someone white and cisgender thinks you're a good person, is that a compliment? Let's be real -- white folks are evil as hell as a general population. If they like me and/or feel comfortable around me, does that make me evil too?
As much as I try to decolonize myself, is total decolonization even possible at this point? I've worked my whole life to get a seat at the table and I think I'm here. The fact that I can sit and have conversations with white folks who probably wouldn't have breathed in my direction a decade ago, that was the goal...right? For them to finally see me, hear me, feel me.
Feel my presence. My pain. My energy.
Now that I've accomplished that "goal," it's backfired in a way. I've focused so much on learning how to express myself in a way they understand that I don't have the language to express myself in a way I understand.