I'm not suicidal I'm just going insane.
Well last night I laid on my friends floor in miami and had the thought of how I would start a suicide note.
Let me start by saying that I am not suicidal. But I think I am going insane.The Webster dictionary defines insanity as.... Well I googled it so don't be impressed lol. Copy and past magic. Thanks Google :-)
On the Meaning of Insanity
An oft-quoted bon mot (frequently attributed to Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, or a number of other people who probably never said it) is that insanity may be defined as “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
So for the past 37 years I have been doing and living the same kind of way my whole life and some things work and other things are straight nuts.
Yes I am going insane. In 2020 I had my 1st suicidal thought, and it freaked me out. I was building a Volleyball machine in LA during the beginning of the pandemic and I was working in a metal shop literally building this machine from scrap metal and failing every day. Do you know what it feels like to work for 8 hrs welding and filing and sanding and cutting and sweating and struggling only to fail completely for 3 days in a row??? It sucks!!! I got in the bath with a glass of wine. I thought ahh i just need to relax. My first suicidal thought was when I went under the water and thought, what if I don't come up?
I got out of the tub and I was shaking with fear. I love my life, Im not suicidal, But I know that suicide is not something that just happens all of the sudden. It's from thoughts that get ignored and are not talked out with friends and professionals. So my girlfriend at the time knew a therapist and I was able to talk it out with her and she helped me see things better and I was able to start on a path of healing that I needed desperately.
But life is not all butterflies and rainbows. After revelation comes hard work. Ten years in the woods means ten years out of the woods.
On Dec 7th 2021 I had a breakthrough and figured out I was in the woods. That's where I find myself now. 37 years in the woods. And I was deep in the woods and I'm just starting my path out of the woods and this week/month has been no exception.
It's not all been bad, there has been a ton of good. One of my best friends got married and it was the best wedding I have ever been to. I could not have been happier than seeing him say I DO to the woman of his dreams. I LOVE Love.
But there have also been a lot of hard things I had to mentally work through. My dad collapsed and almost died the night before we left for the lake for pre wedding celebrations. My sister did CPR on him for 15 minutes saving his life and breaking several ribs in the process.
To say my Dad and I have a troubled past would put it lightly. But I am so proud of us for repairing our relationship and I can say without a doubt that if my dad dies tmrw he and I are good. It makes me sad cause I know my dad does not have much time left on this earth, but I also know that if you live your life the way my dad has for as long as he has that you will have health problems. I think I read that in a book somewhere that if you eat like shit and don't exercise it will lead to health problems when you are older.
That might be the reason that I am writing now, I feel like I am at a crossroads. I am going insane, I can't keep doing what I have been doing and expecting different results.
So starting today I am making some changes.
I think the thing that has hurt me the most is I have taken handouts for way too long. That ends now.
I'm not going to travel to FL and work for Less than a predetermined amount no matter MY situation. I am tired of working so hard at what I love to do and not being appreciated or paid what it's worth. I'm not blaming anyone, these were all my choices and I am eternally grateful for the employers and friends that have supported me and helped me stay alive to this point. And I'm not talking about an unreasonable amount but over the past 15 years I have changed my rates or worked for nothing just to either get the job or pay a bill to survive.
I have two meetings this week and if they don't seem to be the direction that I've been looking to go I will be getting a full time job and be putting my camera down as a profession and do it for a hobby or therapy. I will always take photos. I was born to be a photographer. Nothing brings me more joy in life than taking phots. Unfortunately I have proven I can not successfully support myself Let alone a family with my lack of business abilities on my own. Maybe some of my ex girlfriends were right after all. I saved note from an ex that read "you will always be broke and never amount to shit" Not the first time I've heard that from someone I've dated. But I also have pissed a few girls off in my past, I don't blame the for saying what they did, they were just calling it like they see it.
I'm sure more will change later but for now this is my goal. I might fail but at least I'm finally awake to the fact that what I've been doing is not working.
That's what my therapist helped me come to see. My suicidal thoughts are not necessarily suicidal as much as my subconscious saying hey!!!! YOU HAVE TO CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!!!!
My depression comes from thinking wrong thoughts. I can choose to change what I think about. Doest make it any easier and I guess that's the new game, Think more better thoughts than Wrong thoughts. Time will tell how I do.
Accepting prayers.
P.S. Today I have had three friends reach out to me randomly just to check in and see how I am doing.
The bible say that if god cares about the flowers in the field how much more does he care for his children? I'm paraphrasing, but I feel very loved and blessed. I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
Till next time
Phil