"More than half a century has passed, and yet each spring, when I wander into the primrose wood, I see the pale yellow blooms and smell their sweetest scent - for a moment I am seven years old again and wandering in that fragrant wood."
- Gertrude Jekyll
So I am sitting here trying to figure out what I want to say. I feel like I should update and have some point of view as to make this worth while if I have an expectation for you to read it. But lately I just want to be away from all of it. The thinking about what to put here, the packing of boxes, the sorting of and decisions of what to keep for resale and move to New Orleans. What to just give back to thrift shops and take the loss.
This past week I have realized I am at or beyond BURNED OUT STAGE of all of it. It is a constant worry from the moment I wake up to going to bed. It invades my dreams. I am not sleeping well and finding little relief from the anxiety it is all producing.
The redoing of the New Orleans house is going slower than expected and while I was hoping to be in New Orleans by the End of October as things stand now I doubt I will be there by Thanksgiving. Perhaps not even Christmas? No firm timeline is available and it is just wearing thin for me. I am staying with my friend and while I am so grateful for that, I am not in MY home. I am displaced and living out of bag and boxes and two small drawers in a vanity dresser. everywhere I look it is things I need to move around sort box or get rid off and I am feeling burned out.
I try to plan in little day trips to places I enjoy (Descanso Gardens, and graveyards) or have yet to visit in LA for the first time before I leave. (The Getty Villa) but the relief only last so long usually a few hours and then I am back to piles of stuff, decisions and moving stuff about trying to inch closer to departure.
Part of this burnout is the simple fact of the last few years battling with the hotel where I lived wore me out and the need to escape Los Angeles for a short time just to get out of it never happened. Then the Pandemic happened and I just have not been out of the city since I was in Palm Dessert helping to clear Jim and Mary's house after we lost them in 2018/2019.
I have tried but nothing has worked and well when one does not have a expendable cash flow and counts every penny to get by one does not plan long weekend escape to Big Bear or Catalina Island. One dreams of getting away only to realize the options are few.
So why am I complaining of my situation here? Why do I seem ungrateful? That is not my intention at all I am just burnt out and I am unsure how to resolve that honest fact. So I am working on it, Trying to resolve the problem in front of me and in doing that dreaming of a better future. Trying to put the pieces in place for something magical.
So even it might be best if I kept this all to myself I am getting it out there. Trying to be upfront of where I am at mentally, which is not great. I am trying not to shut down and withdraw and failing.
That is the best I can do today. I think about what will go in the Cross Roads Garden in New Orleans. Part of it wanting to mimic the garden at my grandmothers house on 4th Street but in a completely different climate, One much less forgiving. No Peonies or bleeding hearts (at least I am not 100% sure those would take to the heat and humidity of New Orleans and how to mimic that feeling. The walks behind her garden which as a child seemed like a huge woods but in fact was only small area of trees back behind her house . I wonder if those "woods" are still there with the forts made of fallen branches and childhood wonder. I need a place to call my home again plants and flowers to tend to and decompress from life's worries. I am impatient I guess. Tired. I worry time is running out. But know I need to step back and practice patience.
Anyhow that is just a quick update of where things are at with me. I also want to thank my friend Christine for her generous support of this page and I will be ordering the garden knelling bench as soon as I arrive in New Orleans. So I don't have to move it from LA to New Orleans. Thanks again.