Ladies…
The other day I stumbled across something online that stopped me in my tracks.
It made me cry.
Not because it was dramatic.
Not because it was some revolutionary relationship advice.
But because, for the first time in years, it made me realize I’d been looking for answers in all the wrong places.
You know those moments when a single sentence suddenly explains a feeling you’ve been carrying around for years but could never quite name?
That’s exactly what happened.
So grab your coffee, because I cannot wait to share this with you.
Maybe you’re married.
Maybe you’re dating someone.
Maybe you’re just getting to know a new person.
Nothing looks obviously wrong.
There’s no cheating.
No explosive fights.
No huge red flags that make everyone around you scream, “Run!”
And yet…
Something feels off.
Something feels missing.
You can’t explain it, but deep down, you know something isn’t right.
Then I came across one simple idea that completely changed the way I look at relationships.
Maybe the healthiest way to judge a relationship isn’t by analyzing the other person.
Maybe the only person you really need to look at… is yourself.
Because the real question isn’t who they are.
It’s who you become when you’re with them.
That thought hit me like a brick.
For years, relationship advice has sounded almost identical.
Analyze him.
Watch his behavior.
Learn the red flags.
Spot the narcissist.
Avoid the toxic ones.
But for the first time, someone asked a completely different question:
“How do you feel when you’re with this person?”
And suddenly everything shifted.
Maybe you used to laugh all the time.
Now you carefully choose every word before speaking.
Maybe you once called them whenever something exciting happened.
Now you write a message…
Delete it…
Rewrite it…
Delete it again.
Maybe you used to express your opinions freely.
Now you stay quiet because arguing simply isn’t worth the emotional cost.
The scary part?
These changes happen so slowly that you barely notice them.
There isn’t always one dramatic moment.
Instead, you keep telling yourself:
“Maybe I’m overreacting.”
“They’re just stressed.”
“Nobody’s relationship is perfect.”
“This is probably normal.”
Then months pass.
Sometimes years.
You’ve spent so much time trying to understand them…
You forgot to check in with yourself.
While scrolling through Reddit, I came across a list that people said came from Debbie Mirza’s Worthy of Love.
At first, I assumed it would be another typical “relationship red flag” checklist.
You know the kind.
“If he does this…”
“If he says that…”
“If he behaves like this…”
But it wasn’t.
Every single question turned the spotlight back on me.
Not him.
Me.
And honestly…
Some of those questions made my throat tighten.
Others made me laugh at myself.
Because deep down, I already knew the answers.
I had just never looked at my relationship from this angle before.
Here are the ten questions that stayed with me.
1. How do I feel after spending time with him?
Some people leave you feeling lighter.
You drive home smiling.
Your shoulders feel relaxed.
Others leave you emotionally exhausted after nothing more than a cup of coffee.
Why?
Because you’ve spent hours monitoring their mood…
Trying not to upset them…
Managing the emotional temperature of the room…
Walking on eggshells.
That kind of emotional labor is exhausting.
Your body usually knows before your mind does.
Pay attention.
Do you feel lighter?
Or heavier?
2. Am I in a relationship… or a rescue mission?
This one hurt.
Especially for women who naturally take care of everyone around them.
“I can help him heal.”
“He had a difficult childhood.”
“He’s actually a good person.”
“He just doesn’t know how to express love.”
Somewhere along the way…
You stop being a partner.
And quietly become a therapist.
A coach.
A mother.
Healthy relationships aren’t rehabilitation centers.
Ask yourself honestly:
Am I staying because I feel loved?
Or because I believe I can fix him?
3. Does drama follow him everywhere?
We’ve all met someone like this.
The ex is crazy.
The boss is terrible.
The family is toxic.
Friends always betray him.
Life is constantly unfair.
Of course everyone experiences difficult seasons.
But if years pass…
Cities change…
Jobs change…
People change…
And the only constant is the drama…
Maybe the problem isn’t everyone else.
4. Do I actually feel respected?
Love and respect aren’t the same thing.
Someone can buy flowers.
Say “I love you.”
Bring thoughtful gifts.
But if they constantly interrupt you…
Dismiss your opinions…
Embarrass you in front of others…
Or make you feel small…
That’s not respect.
And without respect, love eventually struggles to survive.
5. Do their actions match their words?
This might be the most powerful question of all.
Promises are easy.
“I’ll change.”
“It won’t happen again.”
“I’ll make more time for you.”
“I’ll support you.”
But…
Did they?
Real change isn’t something you hear.
It’s something you consistently see.
There’s an old saying:
Actions speak louder than words.
For a reason.
6. What does my body tell me when I’m around them?
Your mind can explain almost anything.
Your body usually doesn’t.
Do your shoulders tense up?
Does your stomach tighten?
Do you find yourself rehearsing conversations before speaking?
Or do you breathe more easily?
Feel calm?
Feel safe?
Sometimes your nervous system recognizes the truth long before your heart is ready to admit it.
7. How do I feel during emotional and physical intimacy?
This isn’t only about sex.
It’s about closeness.
Do you feel wanted?
Do they show affection without expecting something in return?
Do your needs matter too?
Or does everything revolve around what they want?
Real intimacy should create safety.
Not pressure.
Not performance.
Not fear.
8. Am I constantly making excuses for their behavior?
We’ve all done it.
“They’re stressed.”
“Work has been overwhelming.”
“They didn’t mean it.”
“That’s just how they are.”
Once?
Twice?
Of course.
Life happens.
But if you’ve spent years becoming their defense attorney…
Maybe it’s time to stop defending them…
And start listening to yourself.
9. Am I seeing the real person… or a performance?
This one made me laugh.
We’ve all met someone who seemed almost too perfect.
They always know exactly what to say.
They agree with everything.
They mirror your dreams.
Share your interests.
Finish your sentences.
Then, little by little…
The mask slips.
And you begin to wonder if you’ve fallen for a carefully rehearsed character instead of a real human being.
Trust your instincts.
They notice things long before logic catches up.
10. Can I be completely honest?
Maybe this question summarizes the entire list.
Can you say no?
Can you admit you’re upset?
Can you disagree without fearing the consequences?
Or do you constantly think:
“Will this start a fight?”
“Will they get angry?”
“Should I just stay quiet?”
You should never be afraid of the person you love.
Expressing your thoughts shouldn’t require courage.
If every conversation feels like walking on eggshells…
Don’t ignore that feeling.
Sometimes that feeling is the biggest red flag of all.
Maybe We’ve Been Asking the Wrong Question
For years we’ve asked:
“Do they love me?”
Maybe the better question is:
“Do I like who I become when I’m with them?”
Am I happier?
Do I laugh more?
Do I feel valuable?
Do I feel safe enough to be myself?
Or have I become someone who constantly second-guesses herself…
Explains herself…
Shrinks herself…
Loses little pieces of who she used to be?
Because the right person isn’t simply someone who says, “I love you.”
The right person is someone around whom you don’t have to become smaller.
Someone who doesn’t make you lower your voice.
Someone who allows you to breathe deeply.
Someone who feels like peace instead of survival.
So maybe the most important question isn’t whether they’re a good person.
Maybe it’s simply this:
Do I feel lighter when I’m with them… or heavier?
You probably already know the answer.
Maybe all that’s left is finding the courage to listen.
With love,
🤍