This is my first post, to start I am not here for the same reason as most of you. I am 20 and have yet to live my life. I haven't had the chance to explore college and university yet, there is nothing for me to bring to the table as a person. At least it feels like there isn't much for me to talk about.
Although that's how I feel, I can guarantee you that my life is certainly not mundane and is constantly filled with twists and events, whether I want them or not.
I was thinking maybe using this platform as a way for me to vent and speak my mind, like a diary. I do frequently use my other social media however I don't bring in my opinions or problems up in that kind of setting, where everyone ik knows my face well and can quietly judge me from the sidelines without me ever knowing.
Im not a writer and I'm certainly not an artist, the most I do is game, cook and clean for my family. I am constantly looking for a way out of this comfort I have with just doing these things as long as I have a roof over my head. However it may seem, I am not proud of being at ease. People always tell me to "take my time" and "it'll come" or "you'll find what you want to do eventually". But it's been almost 3 years since I graduated highschool and there is nothing more aggravating than being in the same place I was over and over again, just when I think I'm moving forward, I find myself sitting on that very same chair again playing the same game with the same look on my face.
September 2021 I took acting classes online. I was in college for 6 months, it was something, I thought I knew what I was doing, maybe moving towards a goal I can achieve. Realising I needed money to pay for school and simultaneously support my family I quit and got a job at a real estate firm as a secretary full time. I kept pushing myself to start in real estate and get my licence at least. Nope. Nothing. Nothing works. Nothing at all.
Everything that I did, it felt rushed and pushed because I want to be somewhere so bad, I am still trying to find a well paying job that doesn't require me to break my back for bare minimum wage from corporations that don't give a fuck if your leg is broken or you are simply just overworked.
I understand my grammar is poor, English was never something I took seriously in highschool. As a matter of fact, I fucked around so much in high school I have zero discipline. I am a complete mess. I dated someone for three years during that time and I'm sure even though I broke up with him over things that were seriously unforgivable. I know he must be doing much better than I am right now.
I am starting school in a couple weeks, again this time it's business. I picked my degree with my eyes closed. To be honest, I still don't know what I wanna do in life. I'm good at a lot of things just none that I have mastered.
I am desperately looking for a job that suits my schedule for school and that is decently paying. I am trying to move out to focus on myself. To move forward and not constantly take care of my siblings. I've been taking care of them since they were born and I've always felt guilty about loving myself and saying no, as their stand in mother I always put them first. I'm 20 now... I have a boyfriend and want to go out and live the childhood I never got to live.
I'm learning, slowly but surely.
Thank you for listening,
Amelya