Hey there, it's Kris! Do you remember me? Over the past few months, I may have forgotten a little bit of just who I was. In transition I lost a lot of habits and had to work back to gain what I wanted and leave behind what wasn't me. Emotionally, I went through the grinder. Anyone that saw, knows. But through the turmoil and the bullshit, I really started to understand myself again. It was easy to get wrapped up in the end of a relationship... that I was all wrapped up in. There became the questions of, "Is that her, us, or me?" with almost everything I did and thought. Perhaps things were too tightly knit, perhaps we grew together so closely for so long that it became a total identity crisis. Who is me, who is her, who was us? Who is us? Hmm.. what's the grammar rule there?
Jokes aside, I've been writing and scrapping a lot of my posts as I've felt extremely vulnerable - like an overblown balloon in a room full of curious kittens. This one will be posted. I'm saying that for myself, no one else... which is the whole reason that I started this writing journey. The messages that get spread through my words were not ALWAYS meant for the audience, but sometimes it's like I can act as a conduit to a force a little bit more intelligent than myself... okay a lot more intelligent. The words come to me and I just let my fingers slam onto the keyboard as quick as I can hear them so that I can continue to hear them. So both you and I are both the reader. There are moments of profoundness that dawn on me as the words become written. Honestly, I wish I could take credit for some of this, but it truly isn't me.
January 7th and it's the first snowfall of the year. The snow does such a great job of reminding us how beautiful everything is when it's been painted white. The streets that were once filled with crushed fireball nips, random pieces of torn clothing that someone left behind, or dead leaves from the season prior all becomes painted white again, as if none of that was even there to begin with. The homes that had been neglected for some time with peeling paint or missing shingles now get a fresh coat of white, at least for today. Will they make the most of it? Probably not. They'll just be lazy, actionless homes that don't fix themselves. The pile of stinky dogshit is no longer a big pile of excrement left by an ignorant owner, but it's got potential to be a dangerous poopy snowball in the hands of the mischievous teenager.
That's the point though: the snowfall gives everything this brief moment of potential, the potential to be something different than it had been in the past. Sure, when the snow melts, that pile of dog-doo is going to go RIGHT BACK to being a pile of dog-poo... just a couple days older and in the same fucking spot it was before the snowfall. But if it could only take ownership of itself and it's actions, it could roll itself into a snowball and play a "just a prank, bro" on someone. Good, bad, indifferent - it doesn't matter how you feel about the splatter of a stinky snowball upon your windshield, but the pile of shit did something different. It's no longer just a pile of shit. That coat of snow gave it the POTENTIAL to be different... and if it was made into a weapon by someone else, shame on that pile of shit for allowing it to be weaponized. That pile of shit could have been turned into a smelly poopy snowman instead. If the poop just could take ownership of its' actions, its' emotions, and its' own failures, this pile of shit wouldn't have allowed someone else to have power over it and become a weapon.
The snowfall serves as a reminder; a reminder that everyone and everything has potential for a fresh start. Each moment, each hour, each day, each week, each month, each year, each relationship, each friendship, each encounter with another human being, each smile, each task, each job... EVERYTHING we do has potential for a fresh start. Each blog post - it's a fresh start. Why is there need for attachment to things in the past? They're nothing but memories. If it weren't for photos and some small memorabilia attached to those memories, we would have no literal proof that it ever happened. A 12 year relationship that crushed my soul when it ended - I cannot find any tangible evidence besides a few written notes, pictures, small items, and "memories" that prove it ever existed. As I wrote that sentence I felt some physical pain within my heart, which serves as a reminder that it, in fact, existed. Will that pain ever dissipate? Most likely, but it's hard to believe that it will ever fully disappear. Que sera, sera. ¯\(ツ)/¯
So while I sit in this chair, in my bedroom that I had to physically lock myself into so I could post this writing today... I repeatedly stare out the window when I get anxious as I want to get out of the seat and do other things... but I sit "here" in a new chair, a new bedroom, a new apartment, a new state, a new year, a new day, a new body... everything is new. There's a new leash on life. The snow reminds me that we all have a chance for a fresh start in each moment. What attachments do we really have? If you own property, if you have a child, if you have a wife/husband/significant other that you're working to build something with, if you have a pet... you have people or things relying upon you. These are the attachments that, yeah, you could leave behind, but the cause/effect - the karma - would follow you everywhere. In Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), that guilt or action that you took, which had poor repercussions on other lives around you, it follows you in an energetic field. You have a "karmic field" where other people pick up on it. Ever been around someone and gotten a "bad vibe?" Listen to that shit, it's your intuition speaking up, you're hearing something you should hear... I digress.
You can make a choice in any moment to do anything that you want. What effect that may have on the lives around you, well, that's where we need to be a little more aware of your actions. I can walk up and open hand slap an 8 year old with enough force to decleat the kid like a 3 Stooges video, but what are the effects of my actions? They probably end in handcuffs and some hefty prison sentences... and trauma to that kid and anyone that saw it. In a more reasonable scenario, where I have no other life reliant upon my decisions besides a few business owners, what is keeping me from seeing the world? Really, nothing. What IS holding me back is my simultaneous pursuit of my doctorate in Medical Qigong. As someone recently reminded me, I can still travel from anywhere in the world to the school, so what's REALLY stopping me? Perhaps some fear. Some fear of the unknown. "What about the money?" "Where will I sleep?" "What about _______________?" It's all some bullshit holding me back. It's not real. These fears aren't real. They're limiting beliefs (TCM says that's deficient Kidney qi). Think about it - anyone that has skills, works hard, and has a positive attitude usually does okay... especially from the mindset of abundance. The hierarchy of needs would at least have the base taken care of.
So, if I go abroad with a little bit of planning of my well being, I could quickly find work, a place to stay, and when I need to - a return trip to Chicago. As I continue to process and conquer these fears of the unknown, as I balance them out with the excitement to see and meet new environments across the world, I remind myself - this is all a game. We're all going to die one day and go to some place where we check our high score. "Did I win this time? DAMN... I should have zigged instead of zagged there. Okay, this next time in the human life I'm going to win!" We take our lessons from the life we lived and we bring them to the next life. That's how this works. Watch "The Egg" and tell me differently. I'd love to discuss!
Take 8 minutes and let your mind expand. TCM states that it's a very similar experience. Perhaps we don't live each life that's ever been in existence, but we do land in a new body where our soul has lived before. Since the Big Bang, 400,000 original souls came into existence and created newer and newer souls, branching off as "time" expands. So an "original soul" has much more knowledge than one of the newer ones. A newer soul has to go through the turmoil of living in a 3rd world country or in a ghetto within America (what's the difference these days?), and gain the small nuggets of information to take it to the next life. AGAIN, this is all theories and explanations that have been passed along to us, nothing I'm making up. With that being said, the one thing they all have in common is...
A FRESH FUCKING START. We take what we've learned in the past and we apply it to the new. Nothing has changed since the beginning of existence. So while we sit and stew over some bullshit that happened in our past, which nothing we can change, nothing that may have even happened to begin with (let your mind wrap around THAT concept), and we look out the window... "Wow, the snowfall is so pretty." It's giving everything and everyone the potential (which it already had) to be different. Whether it's your perspective upon the item or person, or within yourself; there is always the potential to be DIFFERENT. It always nags at me a big when people call themselves by something. Meaning, people ask me, "Are you a brown belt in BJJ?" my response is always the same. "No, but I wear one when I train." It was the same response about a black belt in Karate. The question "What are you?" is something that should be pondered with depth, not something that should be answered quickly. To define yourself is to limit your own growth. Take a look at yourself on your social media and as your read through your profile, realize what you CALL YOURSELF. You're defining who you are with these words. You can be more than the belt you tie around your waist, the 9-5 that puts money in your bank account, or the expensive certificates you paid someone for... so you could call yourself something. OH BOY! Have fun sitting on that!
It's the absolute same with what is called "medical hexing." You feel an ache or disruption to your body's natural flow of energy, you go to the WESTERN doctor, they tell you that you have X. Now you go around and tell everyone you can't do something because you have "X." And then you go back to the doctor to heal X. Well, the doctor is just going to give you a pill to help you treat X. But guess what? You're going to keep going to the doctor and he's going to feed you pills, send you to a specialist, this, that, the other... and your issue will very rarely ever get resolved. Why? Because you OWNED that diagnosis. You've DEFINED your health. Humans have been very aware of the body's natural ability to heal for thousands of years. Don't get me wrong, there are uses for Western medicine, but it is not to be abused. Always be very aware of what you decide to define yourself with, whether it be a profession, an achievement, or an "illness."
Look out your window. Perhaps you're staring at a fun snowstorm with me, or maybe when you read this you see nothing but springtime, or maybe you're reading these words while surrounded by sand, palm trees, and the ocean (I'll be there shortly)... but do not let the environment be defined by your perception. Look at everything and leave your preconceived judgements at the door. That tree is Mother Gaia's lung brachiola. The ocean is her saliva. The siding on that building next to you is it's skin. That heartbreaking end of a relationship is really one endless opportunity. That man cussing out the people around him is one hurt individual that needs a goddamned hug and lots of love. That coat of snow is a fresh start. A clean slate. A chance to be anew.
See everyone and everything for what they truly are. Leave your judgements, your definitions, your limiting beliefs behind you. In this moment, they no longer exist. Take a breath and see what is, not what was, not what could be... but what is.
I'm back, bitches.