Hi, I’m Nicole an ex-therapist, trauma survivor, and CPTSD warrior.
I’m here to share insights from years of professional experience, alongside the lessons I’ve learned through my own trauma journey. I like to say I’m Qualified By Experience or (Q.B.E.). I hope you find value, guidance, and support in what I share here. 💖 Love, Nicole xox
Let's get into today's post.....
When Positivity Turns Toxic
I’ve noticed something over the years: a lot of people really struggle to just sit with pain. Whether it’s their own or someone else’s, discomfort makes them want to rush in with “Look on the bright side!” or “At least…” or “Just stay positive.”
On the surface, it sounds harmless, but for those of us who live with trauma or CPTSD, these kinds of statements can be incredibly invalidating. It’s not positivity, it’s bypassing. It’s shutting the door on our reality because it feels too heavy for someone else to handle.
Healthy Vs Toxic Positivity
Healthy positivity says: “I see what you’re going through, and I believe in your strength. I know there’s hope, but I also know this is hard.”
Toxic positivity says: “Don’t talk about how hard this is. Smile.... Be grateful.... Don’t make me uncomfortable.”
See the difference? One holds space for the full truth. The other erases it.
What Hurts the Most
For me, what hurts the most is being shut down and completely misunderstood. It’s not like I’m looking for sympathy - I just want acknowledgement for the challenge I’m facing.
When I’m met with toxic positivity, I feel sad, isolated, and let down. It doesn’t comfort me, it re-traumatises me. I’ve already had 50 years of this from a dysfunctional family, and when a friend or someone I trust does it, the sting is even sharper.
It’s not just about the words. It’s about what lies underneath:
The message that my pain is too much, or that I should hide it to keep others comfortable.
Why People Can’t Sit With Pain
I don’t think most people mean to hurt others with their “good vibes only” approach. A lot of it comes from their own limitations. Some are burnt out and compassion-fatigued. Others, especially with the rise of adult autism diagnoses, might genuinely find it overwhelming to process another person’s raw emotions.
But here’s the thing: those limits don’t make it okay to gaslight or bypass someone who is opening up about trauma. If you can’t hold space, it’s far more healing to simply say, “I don’t know what to say, but I care.”
The Impact on Trauma Survivors
For someone with CPTSD, toxic positivity doesn’t just sting - it wounds. It reinforces isolation. It piles shame on top of pain. It echoes the very same dismissals that likely created the trauma in the first place.
To be blunt: when you tell a trauma survivor to “just be positive,” what they hear is, “Your pain is too much for me. I need you to shut it down.”
That message is brutal when what we need most is the opposite... to be seen, heard, and accepted in the rawness of what we’re carrying.
What Helps Instead
You don’t need to fix or rescue anyone. Trauma survivors don’t need cheerleaders plastering over their wounds with motivational slogans. We need witnesses, we need presence, we need honesty.
Healthy positivity is about hope without denial. It’s saying, “This is hard. I believe you. I’m with you.”
That is where healing can start....
We all want to live in a world that feels lighter, kinder, and more hopeful. But real lightness doesn’t come from forcing away the shadows - it comes from learning how to sit with them. If we can practise acknowledging pain instead of covering it up, we not only support those living with trauma, but we also grow our own capacity for compassion. That shift benefits everyone.
I hope this was an interesting topic and that it contributed positively to your understanding of this subject.
With love
Nicole xox
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