Brace yourself this is a long one!
I've known big shifts have been coming for a while now, and while I still don't know exactly what they look like, everything in me says I'm on the precipice of something new.
I am seeing this more and more, but life is a labyrinth, not a maze, because in a labyrinth, there are no dead ends, only sharp turns when the energy shifts, we are on a constant path to our destination. Our destiny.
"We cannot visually or logically figure out where the path is taking us, and so we must trust ourselves and the path to lead us to our destination. Although walking a labyrinth might feel like we are going around in circles getting nowhere, in fact, we are always moving on through: we cannot lose our way." -Lucy Pearce, Creatrix
In 2017, I had just come back from a life changing year in New Zealand, flew across the world to Scotland for 3 months to live with my new boyfriend who I met on that southern island (we had been a part for 5 months already) and now... I was onto my next journey.
My friend Lori and I, who I had traveled New Zealand with, worked at a ranch together for 5 summers prior to that, were looking for our next adventure and found a temporary job down in southern Virginia on a guest ranch. We knew it could only be temporary because we had more traveling to do with our foreign boyfriends. I won't go terribly deep into this part of the story right now, but basically, what I thought was a dream.
When I met Merlin he mirrored my uncertainty, my anxiety, my emotional suppression and caustic outbursts. We were both ticking time bombs.
I came into this southern Virginian guest ranch in early 2017 with confidence and charisma, ready for the next adventure. Lori and I were learning the endless trails, working with young horses, driving a team of draft mules and shires, everyday was something new, something exciting.
Something started happening to me that year, and then the following... I was trapped in my mind. I was in a constant state of high anxiety and people pleasing, totally burnt out, burning the candle at both ends all of the time. The very little time I had for myself, I was in a cycle of trying to sustain and repair my relationship with Chrisy, make sure my boss was happy, and also my friend. It doesn't sound too crazy, but I was pressured from every angle and I was always on the edge of implosion.
I was trying to escape my body, my mind, I was 20 pounds lighter than I had been in years, and while I may have seemed calm even stoic on the outside, it was a mask to cover the inner turbulence.
Moe was "supposedly" 4 at the time when I started working with him (I now know he was probably only 2) and he was always on edge, but he showed it and I was trying to hide mine. I didn't know it at the time, but when I thought I was trying to calm him down, I didn't realize how it was some of the very few times I was actually present.
Over our time together, we had a difficult and incredible relationship, it always felt as though I was sitting atop explosions, not knowing if or when they would ever go off.
But boy, did he teach me something big.
He taught me how to listen.
To him.
To myself.
In ways that were totally organic, not by choice and often the hard way.
I tell his story over and over because it's important, he was the catalyst to my awakening. He made me wake up to myself and in standing up for him, I learned how to find my own voice again at a time that I felt like I was drowning.
He was the reason I left the toxic job and people and freed myself in more ways than one. But it was a death. A death of an identity, of a way of life, of relationships with Moe and other horses, and a closing of a chapter. At the same time as I quit, my grandmother was dying. And so, I drove home from the closing of my personal chapter, 14 hours straight to her funeral.
From there, I learned unraveled further- my perspectives on horsemanship radically shifted, my ability to feel, understand and process my emotions increased, and I was on the rise.
Back to the present...
So five years since we've met, three years after our separation, and now one year nearly to the date of our initial reunion, we are changed beings.
This past week seeing him was like nothing I’ve ever felt from him before, a connection deeper than I’ve experienced.
True connection is not about the doing, it’s about the being.
September 29 2023
MAGIC MOMENTS
The Aries Full Harvest Moon
An auspicious time to be visiting a magical herd and a special friend, under an Aries full moon, entering into a South Node Libra Eclipse (I was totally oblivious to all of this until the day of the full moon and we realized the timing). We KNEW that something was going to be happening during this time together, we could feel it for months leading up to it, we didn't know what that meant, but we knew in hearts something was beginning. Or ending. Or both.
I was there for a just a couple of days but boy did we dive straight into the portal. I won't go into the changes and depth of the transformation that happened with Kara, but I'll say she came out a different person, full of vitality, inspiration, and passion, something she hadn't felt in a long time. And I felt more secure in my own purpose and direction.
We had eased into it the first day, but by the night of the full moon we were all in–barefoot squishing through the mud, walking under the bright orange moonlight to the top of the hill where a pile of rocks mark the "heart of the farm." It's where we sit and observe and gain insights usually.
Most of the horses were at the bottom of the hill, but Cheddar, an ex-racehorse who's medicine is all about questioning purpose and identity, lead us to the rocks. He left with a bow of reverence, like he was saying "good luck."
The moon stared at us, glowing bright in the dark night sky illuminating small shadows of movement at the bottom of the pasture.
We listened. To the wind, to our hearts, to the horses.
And all of a sudden a horse named Ash came up behind us, a speckled gray/red pale appaloosa with dark eyes. His story is that a few months prior, he came to the sanctuary from a place where he was kept in a stall full time and his owner said "he liked it better." He was socially awkward, none of the horses liked him even months later, he has IBS and is hard to keep weight on. Kara was questioning what actions needed to happen for him, big questions even because he was not thriving.
He came up to us abruptly, per usual, as his boundaries and spacial awareness are very minimal. And we stood with him. All of a sudden we both got flashes in our mind's eyes of glowing auras with a shadowy dark center. Kara, very intuitive and psychic, heard from him that his eyes are failing him, that it's hard for him to see because everything is bright but the figures are dark. He has a hard time reading social cues and boundaries because he sees auras and can tell they are friendly and then he gets too close or doesn't get the hint and then they snap at him. He can't figure it out.
Kara had a direct line of communication with him when she put her hand on the top of his poll and on his shoulder, he recounted his life with her and all the while he requested I work energetically with his bowels. Things were moving around down there, he even "lead me" through his intestines in a way. The reason he liked the stall better was because he knew his boundaries and had walls to help him know the lay of the land.
All of this information was so helpful and felt like a revelation to Kara. He was an intensely intuitive, healer, we could feel that now. He is such a pure soul, we kept calling him a monk. It feels as though part of his medicine is reflecting projections and blind spots of others until they can see it in themselves.
He left, and we sat in the darkness again, Kara spoke to the horses about fulfilling her promise of staying at this farm and keeping them safe (she had been contemplating if she wanted to move) and as she did, her heart horse, her rock of over 15 years who has seen her through horribly dark times. He has been declining recently and she thought this may be his last year.
He walked up behind us, and instantly I could feel the love. The kind of unconditional love that words cannot begin to touch.
I will never forget the image of him slowly approaching us from behind, resting his muzzle on the back of her head, whispering "everything will be alright." And he stayed there– radiating love, comfort, safety for a while. Time didn't exist that night. We were both sobbing in the moonlight, all three of us in a triangle emitting the frequency of love. He nuzzled her shoulder once more and then left us in awe.
True awe.
Humbled and grateful.
The next day we went out to the herd again, barefoot, I was wearing a dress as it may be the last time before the cold weather inevitably rolls in.
We talked about new identities, how rebrands, renaming can really shift the energy of something, just as naming Moe to Merlin shifted the energy for the two of us. I don't have to instantly think about a very toxic time in my life when I hear "Moe."
In that moment, we renamed the little appaloosa, Secret. Because it seems like that's what he is meant to reveal for people.
As we sat with those stones again, I felt a deep connection to the idea of them being the heart of the farm and we spoke about labyrinths and how healing isn't linear, but you must trust that the process is leading you to your center. So we began gathering rocks in the pasture and creating our own spiral labyrinth.
I then went to visit Merlin. This was my last night at the farm and I wanted some pictures with him and to spend more time with him. I walked down to the bottom of the hill where he was grazing solo.
He looked at me and I stopped. I waited, waited for him to come to me on his own terms. Then he started slowly moving the other way. I shifted my energy, spoke out loud my intention of just wanting to be in his presence, but there was no pressure for him to come near me.
He said "Well, why don't you come to me? Why do I need to come to you?"
And so I did. I walked towards him and he met me square in the eyes. I asked him if he would walk with me to the top of the hill and with zero hesitation he fell in step with me, my bare feet next to his huge hooves, walking step for step, trusting that he wouldn't spook or step on me. He always is teaching me to trust even when it's hard because our history has engrained in me not to trust him in many ways.
Kara was taking some pictures for me, her presence absolutely not making it feel forced or imposing on our moment, it was a part of it. A witness to our connection in a way.
I connected with him, my hands energetically running along his back and I saw flashes of myself and others getting bucked off of him and a feeling of apology rushed through me. "I didn't mean to, I was scared." He wanted forgiveness, something I thought I gave to him years ago, but never said to him.
Huge releases, yawning, moving his neck eyelids fluttering.
We sat in each others energy, like we were truly meeting each other for the first time. Our truest selves, the most updated authentic versions of ourselves. I felt so deeply connected to him on a soul-level like never before, there was electricity coursing through our bodies, we were a whole circuit.
I felt the urge to take out the Merlinite stone I had bought when I was in the renaming process with him. Surprisingly (and not) the stone is black white and is said to be an incredibly powerful stone that helps you bridge between the physical plane and realms beyond your understanding.
But its main magic is about the concept of duality and finding balance in the light and dark, what's in the shadows and unveiling illusions, helping you tap into other planes of existence.
I brought the stone to Merlin's nose and then felt the pull to bring it to his right shoulder, placing it in a perfect sized dip where his black and white spots collide. I placed it in that pocket of white and it was like I put the right key in a magical door revealing a secret entrance.
All of a sudden he took a breath from the back of his body and it pushed through his neck and out his mouth, his giraffe neck stretching straight out and arching down to the ground, a yawn like his jaw was about to come unhinged, and he kept moving his neck back and forth, kept yawning and moving for what seemed like minutes. It was one of the most dramatic releases I've ever seen before, it was like I unlocked something.
After that it was like he was waking up to something, like he was awake in the physical in a new way. He became instantly tactile and was grooming me and exploring my entire body with his muzzle and even his teeth. He nibbled my arms, my legs, my feet, grabbed my dress, my hair. It was incredible! He even wrapped me in a giant hug. He has never been a very tactile horse and didn't care much about receiving touch either. Space was always good.
This was like a different horse!
He left shortly after, and I was left in awe.
What kind of magic just transpired? I don't need to explain it, because I felt it. I felt it in my bones, my heart and soul. I will never doubt our relationship ever again, there is something special there and though we are thousands of miles apart, we will always be connected.
Now, I've always loved crystals and stones but I've never used them for healing or thought that they truly had powers, but that night I did some energy work with my friend and I was nudged (by Merlin) to use the stone and I could see and feel that instantly it amplified the healing, it was like Merlin was sharing proof with me that there is more to all of this and I need to believe. I felt my own intuitive gifts and abilities strengthen, it was like I was having an energetic awakening.
I had two days on the road driving by myself through The Upper Peninsula of Michigan, the fall colors in fullness. The beauty of death. I had a lot of time to reflect and to be present with myself and it was in prep for what about to come.
There are things I cannot share here unfortunately that are incredibly key to my journey but are not for public discussion. I will share some vague details because it's so revolutionarily important but cannot give specifics.
A broad overview:
I broke a cycle.
I thought I was going to visit my best friend and help her begin her healing of her traumas, I took her to an equine therapy session and we had long open conversations that we haven't been able to have yet. I thought this trip was about her.
And in the the end... it was my own liberation and healing.
There was a moment for us that I nearly relived a pattern that had been detrimental for years, a pattern of unhealthy people pleasing and avoiding conflict. I spoke my truth in that moment and felt totally grounded, aligned, and neutral as I spoke and I unraveled years of tension in that very moment.
Later in the week I had another revelation, one that feels both liberating and terrifying all at once. But I have left a toxic cycle and had to let a certain part of a familiar place/person/feeling die. I had to LET GO.
I am living the cosmic calling right now to examine relationships and let things go, to see beyond the veil of illusion, to see truth and to look at your blind spots.
This is incredibly emotional and heartbreaking and yet a feeling of freedom and new beginnings floods my entire being. This isn't the "death" of a friendship but rather a rewrite of a way it's been.
I know that this is vague but I'm still in process and must keep the details to myself.
Something new is on the horizon, this year has been very interesting to say the least, I've been looking at relationships across the board with a magnify glass, trying to understand what the true meaning of a friend is, what family is, what relationships have to teach us.
Thank you for reading this long account that doesn't even cover half of the details that I experienced during my time in the US, but just know that I am going through the shadows right now. I am uncovering, unveiling and living out this experience as I share it. Nothing new, living out the themes of the month but still shocks me every time!