A varied wise group of people stated a solid mantra of “healing isn’t linear”, and it is something that epitomizes my healing journey. For the past two years of my life, I floated into a developmental spiritual ascension, navigating my truth, and in hindsight, navigating such somewhat recklessly. But alas, healing isn’t linear. I embraced my sense of heightened intuition, or discernment, as well as noticed a suspiciously notable amount of numeric and symbolic synchronicity appear as a frequent daily reminder that I am heading on the right path of my soul’s purpose. With that, I tapped into a higher guidance system that provided me with support, intuitive guidance, and knowledge through tarot card readings. I spent hours meditating and doing shadow work, delving into the darkness of my inner being to befriend it, as that was my only solution to defeat it. I fell asleep listening to subliminal affirmations and binaural beats and practiced scripting to manifest my desires. I spent time educating myself on the Law of Attraction and gathered knowledge from those who seemingly mastered the gift. I then met my Twin Flame, whose presence triggered an additional beneficial and heavily heart-wrenching anatomy of my inner triggers and traumas that I needed to address. I began to document all of my journey, and the knowledge that I gathered in rapid-fire to anyone, and everyone who would listen. And throughout this era, I thought the most genuine and inspiring thing was to be transparent with it all. Everything about the journey, but what I now realize is that I documented an energetic two-step forward, and three-step back climb into a plateau of inner conflict and negativity. It altered my perception from one of hope to one of cynicism and volatile emotions. Though my spiritual nature was ascending rapidly, my ego was not monitored and pulled me in the exact opposite of where my spiritual direction was heading. But again, healing isn’t linear.
How I Comprehend Ego ✨
There is an absolute amount of trust that you need to have in your Source of Energy, and your Divine Path. This trust allows patience to come with ease as you traverse through the tougher times mentally, emotionally, and spiritually guiding you to your ascended destination. You have to have patience in divine timing and trust in your divine path. The most difficult thing is, when you are dealing with energetic adversity, the ego will trick you into reacting negatively, causing you to lose faith, and patience in yourself and the world around you. Ego coaxes you off your path.
Ego is categorized into two slots, the first is your foundational ego, which is the thought patterns, values, and lifestyle that your parents, teachers, government, and religion provided you. The second is the emotional ecosystem that controls how you act and react to stimuli. The first is something that you had very little control of, as mainly this was instilled in you as you were growing up as a child. The second is what you can control, change, alter, or in extreme cases remove. Those cases are normally referred to as “ego death”. Going forward, any reference I make to ego will refer to the second category of ego, one I have control over, and the one that seemingly derailed me. But again, healing isn’t linear.
How Category 2 Ego Negatively Transformed Me During My Ascension ✨
In some spiritual circles, your state of consciousness is split into three-dimensional states: 3D, 4D, and 5D. 3D is intended to view things in a physical state, 4D in a dual physical-spiritual state, and 5D in an ascended spiritual state. All of us live in a 3D state, this is our physical body and how we present ourselves, ego attached. When it comes to religion, or the connectivity of spirituality regardless of religion, others live in the dual 4D state, where we begin to understand that there is more to us than just our physical body and thoughts. A 5D state almost disconnects one from their 3D state, living in a spiritual consciousness leap-frogging the default average human experience. This is a state that is almost impossible to achieve for those who do not give up their life as they know, to devote to their higher Divinity. A true 5D state is where “ego death” can be achieved, and why it is an extreme case as previously mentioned. Category 2 ego thrives in a 3D state, whereas in a 4D state, there is an effort to release yourself from as much ego as possible to align with your spiritual state. Many slip-ups of ego happen within the 4D and many repent or seek spiritual atonement for embracing the negative aspects of ego.
The negative aspects of my ego pulled my being into a negative downward spiral all while I was connecting to my spirituality and truth in an upward spiral. The effect of this was that my perception of the world, my relationships, and the roles the people in my life played, were very cynical. I lost faith in humanity, in some people close to me, and at times even in myself. My emotions were all over the place, and I took everything personally and became very hurt, or upset by actions and inactions. I had a mistrustful perception and started becoming a new version of myself at every emotional blockade I encountered. But again, healing isn’t linear.
What Triggered My Introspection ✨
I was creating as a Gaming Content Creator, and I had a good amount of momentum and felt connected enough to put myself out there. This allowed me to connect and network with other creators from around the world. I networked with many and became close friends with a few but naturally, as with some relationships, some came to their end, for a variety of different reasons. The problem was, is that I held on to that ending, and the reason/s for the ending so heavily. I felt wronged, disappointed, or abandoned in some way. I took it very personally. There was a lot of dog-eat-dog energy, controversy, and negative, dismissive energy out there. I observed others as they would also end relationships or deal with rifts (Platonic and intimate), and how they would process them. Through that, I noticed a lot of “it’s cool to be cold”, and “match energy, even if it’s negative” actions. People were going to the extreme of confronting people on social media, to ghosting them completely. And through that, I never completely agreed with most people’s way of processing their hurt.
I began to compare how people dealt with things, decided I didn’t like that way, or most ways, and decided to do it my way. That calling people out directly on social media was unbecoming, unless they were specifically a potential threat to a group of people (i.e., abusive, controlling, etc.). That ghosting is wack, that there should be an attempt to reach out and find a solution, and that you shouldn’t even network with people that you don’t like. I kept building my values and principles based on what I noticed I didn’t like with other people. I wanted to be transparent though, and through this personal spiritual journey I had, I shared that through my Social Media account that I used as a hybrid personal-content account. I was speaking to 95% of gamers and streamers vaguely about my feelings, without attaching names and in hindsight, throughout the months my feelings were just falling into deeper hurt and cynicism.
I was constantly burned out, hurt, and disappointed as I felt perceived abandonment by people I placed (and in hindsight, forced) to play a heavier role in my life because I placed them on a pedestal. I gave myself no boundaries with people whatsoever and felt slighted or offended if I felt a boundary placed on me, especially if those boundaries did not exist previously. Every time I got hurt or perceived that I got hurt, I would find solace in a social media post that would exclaim to match the energy that I felt I was getting. And that being a cold person was a way to take your power back. I always looked for guidance in the wrong places, and because I was dealing with so much inner conflict, I couldn’t trust the reassurance that I was constantly giving myself. Thus, I sought out to seek reassurance and validation from others and when I did not get, or trust that, I felt abandoned. That abandonment I took as being done specifically and maliciously and between making a spectacle by calling people out on social media, or being dismissive by ghosting, I never knew what to do.
This went on for months, to the point that anytime I got hurt I reinvented myself to a new version of myself to protect myself from hurt, all while feeling more hurt at every turn. I convinced myself that my lack of boundaries was “devotion and dedication”, and was hypersensitive, aware, and paranoid when people seemingly “changed” how they interacted with me and assumed they were taking one of these routes I disliked to detach from me.
There was an imbalance between my spiritual growth and my ego. With my spiritual ascension and concepts, I learned to trust the timing and believe in love at the foundation, and show compassion that no human is perfect and that we are always healing. I put such a focus on the pursuit of spiritual growth but it didn’t mean that my ego was tamed. When you focus solely on spiritual growth without mending your ego, it will lead to spiritual arrogance. Spiritual arrogance will lead to a lot of confusion, disappointment for yourself; and frustration toward others. The spiritual arrogance of feeling disappointed that “seemingly” no one cared to pursue their truth and instead wanted to embrace maliciousness and toxicity. It was hard to have trust in the spiritual connections I had with others because those connections were mutually connected on an ego basis with people who hurt me, or them, in some way. I was in everyone’s energetic business, especially those closest to me, and felt so offended every time an action or inaction was completed by them that didn’t seem to be in alignment… based on my perspective. I kept getting hurt by feeling more isolated by sticking to my “values” while I perceived others walking on a thin line of theirs.
I always have taken pride in being a great writer and found myself at a loss of articulation at how I should be transparent about my hurt. I thought that being transparent was the best way to show authenticity, but the authentic pain that I had, also caused pain for others. Hurt people, hurt people, even if it’s unintentional. My pursuit of ripping the Band-Aid off of my suppressed and excused pain and trauma came out in a way that was very poorly articulated, (mainly because I was attempting to articulate pain through tweets), and in the end, felt so hurt and paranoid that someone, especially someone I was close with, would find a way to hurt me again. The worst thing about it is I tried desperately to reassure myself, to tell myself I was overreacting, to tell myself that my ego was getting the best of me, and to trust the process. But, within minutes of that, or even faster if I came across a bump in the road, I would lose all hope and fall deeper into negativity. In the end, I wanted to walk away from everything I worked on, and all the connections that I made. I was miserable but kept going in the community I was in because I didn’t want to lose the momentum that I had. But in the end, I was just in an emotional prison somewhere I didn’t feel welcome. But I didn’t want to victimize myself. There was no way that I didn’t have a hand in the pain that I had and that I had inadvertently caused people through my cynical view of the world. I had to look deep into myself because I didn’t want to keep heading down this road. I know that I had to make a dire, deep introspection, and take action to heal deeply so that I wouldn’t fall back into the same patterns, the same cycles, and another burnout. I had to heal on a foundational level, and take a huge step back. At first, I felt defeated, and still very hurt. But again, healing isn’t linear.
When I Took Healing Seriously ✨
The healing process was very cynical at first, and then through the action of delving deep into my spirit, and targeting triggers that went as far back as my childhood, I discovered a lot of the answers and closure that I was seeking through other people. I knew that to prevent another cycle of hurt, and not fall back into the same mental state and mannerisms that caused my trauma, I had to do way more than just acknowledge it, I had to take action and work hard to defeat it.
I asked myself questions that challenged my ego, forcing me to look the ugly parts of myself straight in the eye and take accountability for where the source of how I act and react came from. I had to take apart my ego and look at the trauma, fill it with light, and befriend it. I explored the negative aspects of my ego and took action to not temporarily put a Band-Aid over an open wound, but to heal the wound so that it could fully repair itself. I was committed to healing not just on a superficial level, but on the foundational level. I acknowledged traumas from Category 1 Ego and how it led to some low vibrational emotions from Category 2 Ego.
I brought in philosophies and principles of Stoicism, as well as a lot of gentle accountabilities through acknowledgment of events and encounters that attributed to fear and trauma that fueled negativity. I had to zoom out completely and look at our roles in this human experience and make a heavy assertion that I only know about my human experience, and as I’m still learning about my human experience, that it should be my main focus. I spent so much time reacting to stimuli and being hurt by others’ actions, constantly overthinking their potential thought process, which led them to make the choices that they made and to communicate and express emotion the way that they did. I had to assert, that this was none of my business to contemplate or judge. I had to acknowledge that my desperate connection to empathy and saving people was because I didn’t feel anyone had enough empathy for me while I was growing up to save me. I had to assert that it is no one’s energetic responsibility to save anyone, it was no one’s responsibility to save me, nor was it my responsibility to save anyone else. I had to assert that understanding this, and also asserting new boundaries for myself did not mean that I was not supportive of others’ healing journeys or human experiences. I took account of where all my negative emotions and cynicism stemmed from and nurtured them so that they could transform. And slowly, with every conversation I had with myself, my guides, and through Source Energy (God, is mine), I began to transform. And every day, I felt emotionally stronger, and although I disconnected from most in a 3D State, I was able to forgive, and find commonality for all humans, regardless of what they did to me, in a 5D state.
We are all biological humans, meaning that we are constantly in a state of change. Our body is living, and breathing, and everything that makes us who we are physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is constantly in movement, in a constant state to progress, or regress. We never stop learning or growing, and our emotions are always fluctuating. And we are all trying to navigate this world the best we can, only with guidelines from others who came before us, who were all trying to figure themselves out as well. We are in a constant state of healing from the first moment we feel pain, all the way to our last breath. With that, I had to assert that I cannot be hypocritical to be so understanding of myself, and my human experience, all while condemning others for their life experience I will never completely understand.
Healing and personal development aren’t a one-shot fix, it’s a lifestyle. You have to exercise your emotional intelligence and spiritual strength every single day to prevent your energy and spirit from absorbing any unnecessary negative energy that can cause you to relapse into your old mannerisms and mental state. You have to treat the negative aspects of ego as addiction and take it as seriously as such, doing what you can to not put yourself in situations, or around people who will enable you to fall back into the negative patterns. The road ahead is long, as healing is never complete, but working on chiseling down those major boulders of ego and trauma in your being will help smaller past negative events and behaviors to be worked through easier as long as you stay consistent. In addition, you will be able to handle future situations that will test your healing, and allow you to have healthier interactions, relationships, and an overall sense of well-being and self-concept in the future. But remember, you will still have negative moments, and negative days, and through a deeper exploration of yourself, you may feel that you are taking a step back, but do not worry or fear, as long as you are in the practice of living a Healing Lifestyle, you will always be in a state of healing; because again, healing isn’t linear.
Documenting my Healing Lifestyle and Inspiring Others ✨
My current platform documents my personal development and healing journey through wellness, accountability, and self-love; which is why I named my brand Tales of a Glow Up. A bonus in this journey is to connect and inspire others to begin their tales of a glow-up as well which includes making huge progress in the healing journey that never ends. If you want to continue following my personal development lifestyle, then make sure to follow me on social media.