They say it's good to have an overthinker around in crisis situation because usually they are the ones who are prepared and ready to act. I feel like this is true about me. I am terrified during every air raid my heart is racing and all that good stuff, but I also know what to do. My bag is ready to be grabbed, my bird is sitting in a carrier cage, my shoes are right there by the door, I am usually in a bomb shelter in a building across the street sooner than the people who LIVE in that building. Having things to do and steps to take is what gives me a feeling of control, it's what allows me to say "I did all I could, I did a good job."
But then comes a period of quiet. The missile carriers head back to their bases to restock on rockets, and, I get to sleep through the entire night, I get to calm down, my brain settles into a feeling of safety and all the feelings CRASH onto me. I want to cry and scream and get angry and snap at people, I want to throw stuff and sleep for days, I want to yell about all the pain and cruelty we have to suffer and I am absolutely incapable to reply to the "how are you feeling?" question.
I am scared to be left alone with my thoughts, and I am too tired and overwhelmed to be in the company of people for too long. I don't want to talk about what I am going through every day, and every other subject annoys me because it feels that we are ignoring what is going on in my homeland.
There is just no winning this game. I am currently bottling my feelings, which is bad, I know, but I have zero resources to process it now.
I don't even know if I managed to explain it cohesively. I am stressed even when I get a chance to rest because I am scared of the pain raging inside me, and I am in constant movement to try and run away from it because I just need some quietude before I can schedule enough time and resources to properly weep about everything.