I Was Diagnosed With Anxiety And Depress ...

I Was Diagnosed With Anxiety And Depression (Shocking, I Know!)

Jun 03, 2024

The most exciting news of the week is that I went to a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with an anxiety and depression disorder, got on proper medication and have been walking around screaming “Are you telling me this is how I was supposed to feel all this time?!” 

I’ve had anxiety since I was around 5 years old, or at least that’s when I remember my first anxiety attack. Since then I would have these episodes where I would feel terribly anxious for no reason, but I did not understand what they were. I have been on some type of sedatives all my life, and I’d just take it for granted. As a society we are just learning to understand mental health here in Ukraine. Anxiety and depression are the reason I went into therapy because I thought this is what you were supposed to do, and now that I am on medication I feel like a completely different person, like I can walk freely along a path instead of trudging through deep snow. For example, I wake up in the morning and just get out of bed. This part of the day is the most insane to me - I just open my eyes, stretch a little and get up. I feel rested, I don’t have the heaviness in my limbs and my head, I actually have the energy to do the things I like: instead of staring longingly at my easel knowing I won’t have the energy to sit down and draw something - I just sit down and draw. Although these days I don’t really draw much, I randomly picked up embroidery and now I simply can't put it down. Just waiting to get it out of my system. I started to go out more, just be outside in the sun, see friends, spend tme in nature, visit music school open nights to listen to kids' exam concerts. I am taking care of my home, cooking healthier and more varied meals, and in general I just feel happier. I can also sit down and type out this post instead of clicking the record button and just spilling my guts on camera. My mind is clear and calm enough for that.

My friends were the ones who gently but firmly nudged me into getting help, and I am grateful for them. All of them are also on anxiety and depression medication, and we joke about how we compare our meds and dosages like kids comparing their pokemon cards. This is our life right now. I no longer report in this blog on every single attack, every single death, every single destroyed building. I am typing this post on my phone during a power outage, too, but like I said many times before, I don’t want to keep repeating the same thing like a parrot. The war continues, every day - every single day - russia kills people in Ukraine. Every day lives are lost. But still, I wake up in the morning feeling rested, and the credit for that does not really go to new medication, first of all it goes to AFU.

I slept through two mass attacks on Ukraine recently. Usually I would spend the night of a mass attack awake in the hallway, or in the neighbors’ basement, or even just in bed with the phone in my hands monitoring updates of the missiles’ trajectory. Now I just turn off the air raid alarm, roll over, and keep sleeping.

I said many times that one of my biggest fears is being in the shower during the attack on Odesa, and that fear was realized yesterday. I jolted at the sound of the explosion, felt the fear and a spike of adrenaline, felt my heart racing, but I did not have a panic attack which is huge for me. I finished my shower calmly and even went into the room to grab a hairdryer and then dried my hair in the hallway waiting for the end of the raid.

In conclusion, the topic of the week is mental health revelations. Re-evaluated my entire life and all that. I am really happy to get diagnozed. You know how people say "I didn't want to think there was something wrong with me." Well, I am glad to know there was something wrong with me and it's not just part of my personality, not my "default". This "thing" that I carried on my back, this "deep snow" that I was powering through has a name now , and now I have these snowshoes - and everything, from washing the dishes to fighting russia, feels much more achievable.

In other news, my mobilized friend got transferred to a different training facility and finally has better internet access, so we can at least talk. The training is so grueling that he’s already lost two clothes sizes worth of weight and now needs a different uniform. He also needs a ton of small trinkets and I have already run a small fundraiser to help out his wife with purchasing it all.

Life goes on. But only thanks to our soldiers, thanks to our diplomats, thanks to our allies.


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