On this day last year, I went for a walk to try and calm my nerves. Everybody (well, except Biden) was telling me that nothing’s gonna happen, that putin wasn’t THAT stupid to try and invade Ukraine, that it was just intimidation and political games. And I tried to believe it, but I was so scared. So, SO scared! I was paralyzed with fear, it was hard to breathe, that’s how scared I was.
The photos I took at the beach that day. I think somebody was also trying to calm their nerves too by arranging those rocks. I put a few stones up, too.
On this day today, I am typing this post lying in bed and listening to music. In half an hour I’ll get up, buy some groceries and go visit my art teacher. We’ll be drinking tea and eating sandwiches, and we’ll paint. We’ll talk about war and art, and she’ll tell me stories about her life, and I’ll take both those stories and the skills she’s giving me, and I’ll carry them further, I’ll put them in my own art, I’ll tell my story to somebody else, and then they will carry it - and this is the best thing I can ask of life.
I was talking about this to my therapist recently, about how I want to do something with my art. My skills are still very basic and very shy and immature, but I am aware of how I got them from an honest-to-god Ukrainian artist, and how I can’t just waste them, how I need to say something with my own art. I think about it like it’s a little flame somebody has given me and now I need to take care of it, keep it burning, and pass it on.
And it’s not just art. I write this blog because I believe that my experience is important, at least to me, maybe to others, too. When I volunteer and I fill those little candles with paraffin, I think of the soldier who’ll be using them, I try to fix the wicks and make each one just right for them, and I also fill it with great love and hope that it’ll keep them warm, so they can push the enemy back, and keep me safe for another day so I could do art, and make candles, and meet my friends, and take care of all the little flames I’ve been given and to pass them on so when they come back they'll have a cozy home waiting for them.
And then I thought of how far this mindset is from the russian “We can’t do anything, don’t make us take responsibility for things, we’re just small people.” These people call the,mselves our “brothers”. "Bruh" (pun intended), we’re on different poles of mindset, I doubt we’re the same species even.
I do know the feeling of powerlessness when you want to change something but feel very small, and you fall into this false belief that you need to be someone “big” and “powerful” and have money and influence to change something. But also... here is an example: I completely forgot about the Big and Scary putin’s speech the other day, and at the exact time while he was talking about nothing, I was making trench candles.
Last Tuesday I and my friends made 540 candles – and putin provided us with some new meme material. Tell me, which of the two of us REALLY made a bigger difference last Tuesday? Which one of us is more helpless? Which of the two of us can’t do anything?
The anniversary of the invasion is tomorrow. It’s officially a year that has been stolen from me. It brought me a lot of pain, but it showed me that I’m stronger than I thought, and I am really proud of how I met all these hardships and of who I am right now.
Today I am no longer scared. Today it’s the russians' turn to be afraid.