I started renting this apartment that I live in last November. When I moved in, the trees were naked, and the garden before the house was autumnally-bare. I was so looking forward to spring and summer. It's really close to my favorite beach, there are so many cozy cafes and the most beautiful parks. I wanted to see it all bloom, I wanted to drink coffee in the shade of trees, sketch some plein-airs in all of these beautiful places, and ride my bicycle to the beach nearly every day... Yeah...
So the spring came, the trees and flowers started blooming, the nature around me became so beautiful, and all I could feel was sorrow. I would go outside, feel the smell of blooming cherry blossoms and feel sad because it's just not touching me. Every time I would see a pretty flower I would get this feeling of how inappropriate it is to bloom so gently while our people are tortured, raped, and massacred every day, while people in Mariupol drink water from radiators.
But yesterday I stopped to take a picture of a pretty flower. And today I stopped to photograph some pigeons in a puddle. And the only thoughts in my head were "Man, that's a pretty flower" and "Those pigeons are so fat, lol". I don't think I became desensitized to the horror of what's happening. But I did get used to it. Unfortunately, us humans can get used to the most twisted things. I remember I got used to the sound of air defense warfare and it would even calm me down like a lullaby because I'd feel protected. But then I haven't heard it for a few weeks and when it woke up me at 4 am a few nights ago I instantly teleported into the hall with my heart pounding even though there wasn't an air raid alarm. Maybe it was exercise, I don't know, but it reminded me of Feb 24 and I got mad PTSD. [Since PTSD can't be cured, only managed, I'll have a fucking fun rest of my life, so thanks for that.]
In Odesa, there are still regular air raids, at least once a day. We still get sleep deprived often, being awoken by sirens wailing and having to skulk to a shelter. I still cry often, and I get so depressed all I can do is lay down and weep all day. But I still regained my appreciation for life.
There's this fat pigeon that lives on the roof of my balcony and today it learned to squeeze into my apartment through a window that I leave cracked open so that fresh air can get in. He makes me laugh so much. He's an impertinent round boy who knows me by face and always flies up to me when he sees me. No, I do not condone this behavior, I know pigeons are often carriers of disease, but I have learned to enjoy our petulant relationship. In the mornings I stand there on the balcony and tell him how rude he is and how I have been trying to scare him off, and how my neighbors complain that he poops on their laundry, and he sits there on the clothesline, looks back at me and the only reply I can see in his eyes is "Food? Any food for a good bird? Am starving, look at me, feather and bone! I know where you keep the seeds!" Anyway, I called him Gosha and he's my friend now.
So, yeah, I have fun with my feathered neighbors, I appreciate the beauty of a flower, I bought new summer shoes, I wear pretty sundresses, and I know I owe it all to the people fighting for me. I know that this feeling of relative safety, this reborn sense of self is the result of their bravery and their talent and their united effort, and since they're paying for it with their blood, I'll be damned if I waste it!
So please, do not forget about Ukraine and our warriors. The worldwide interest in the war is diminishing, people are tired of talking about it, but for us, it's far from over. Our prisoners of war are tortured, our civilians, volunteers, and medics are kidnapped and tortured and we cannot exchange them because it's illegal to trade warriors for civilians, but Ukraine sort of does not kidnap Russian civilians, because we are not criminals, so what do we exchange them for, how do we get them back? We need your help. Please talk about Ukraine, post about Ukraine, share our stories, support our voices.
I am extremely grateful to all of you. When I started this blog I sort of expected it to be a dead zone, and I was planning to still write it so I can look back and remember my honest feelings if I survive, or that someone may stumble upon it and see my story years later if I die. But I have been so inspired by how you respond to what I have to say, and I am so excited to share more of Ukrainian culture with you in the future, I had no idea it would be so exhilarating. I feel like a small child showing you all my favorite toys.
Also, with your donations this month I have been able to do so much good. I sent some small donations to people who were struggling to buy groceries, and I sent some big donations to Back and Alive fund, to Serhiy Pritula Fund, and to a few crowdfunding campaigns to get some essential equipment for two particular brigades of our soldiers. I also commissioned some Ukrainian artists both to support them financially and to sponsor Ukrainian modern art in general (btw you can find a lot of Ukrainian artists on Twitter if you search such hashtags as #украрт #арткозацтво), I focus on buying local Ukrainian products every time I go grocery shopping, and I still had some money left to buy new summer shoes (because honestly, sneakers are too hot for Ukrainian summer). It was a Ukrainian shoe factory too, of course :)
These days I feel the support and unity with people around me especially strongly. I am often overcome by this wave of gratitude and appreciation for how lucky I am to be able to live the life I am living, to sleep in my bed, to cook my favorite dishes. And I still wish I were able to do more, so so much more. But every little bit counts. Serhiy Pritula who's running a big campaign to help our soldiers once was asked a question about the biggest and smallest donations he got. He said the smallest donation he ever got ended up bringing him several million UAH. He received a notification about 2UAH donation on his phone. And it happened that these 2 UAH were enough to make the total on his account an even number, 700 000. He took a screenshot and posted it as a story about how every little bit is a part of a bigger picture and told people to never underestimate small donations. Within a few hours, thousands of people sent him tons of small 5-50 UAH donations and they totaled a few million UAH, and the equipment, food, and medicine this money bought definitely saved some lives.
So with that in mind, every day, with every breath I take I try to do my little tiny part to contribute to relieving somebody's suffering and to saving somebody's life. And by being here now, so do you.
