Important Intermezzo:
Have you heard about this flash-mob entire Ukraine is participating in right now? Honestly, everyone is in such euphoria about it, I've never seen anything like it. We're collecting money for Bayraktars! We need 15 mln USD, and we've collected 10.4 mln USD within the first 24 hours. I've seen people giving away their last money, the money they've been saving to buy cars, the businesses donating all their income, artists auctioning their works, I've even seen someone take credits from banks.
Do you remember the story about the smallest donation that brought 3 mln UAH to the volunteer fund? That's the same guy. And he says the majority of the donations that brought us to10.4 mln are 20-200 UAH (which is like $1-$10) So if you want to join Ukrainians in coming together to reach our goal, remember that every dollar, every cent counts, and very cent saves lives and brings us closer to victory.
Now back to the post...
So, 4 months ago on Feb 24 russia started a full-on invasion of Ukraine. Before that 8 years ago they started a war that nobody recognized as such. For 8 years I've asked everyone "But weren't we promised security of our borders in exchange for nukes?" and I heard the tired "Yeah, but..."
A few days ago the weight of it all just crashed onto me. It's been 4 months. It started in winter - now it's summer, the entire spring is gone, the spring I'll never get back, and it's still going on. 4 months ago my biggest problems were trying to figure out if I can get a dog with my allergies, and budgeting my income so that I can save some money to travel. 4 months ago I would start conversations with my friends with "How are you, how's family, is everyone healthy?" Now I start the conversations with "Is everyone alive?" and instead of planning to travel I have screaming fights with my parents who want me to evacuate to Poland while I refuse to move an inch away from home.
4 months ago I had a lot of friends in russia, now barely anyone from them texts me, and if they do they mostly avoid the subject of war. That honestly makes me laugh, especially when they try to pretend everything is OK while I'm texting them back from my shelter in the hallway to the sound of wailing air raid sirens.
4 months ago I was still focused on my New Year's resolutions, I wanted to study art, and save some money on a new bicycle, and learn to bake macaroons. Now I attend classes to learn to use an AK rifle and give first aid under artillery fire.
Did you know that within the past 300 years there was not a single generation of Ukrainians who did not suffer from russian persecution in one way or the other? I thought I would be the first one. Well, nope, lol.
To be honest with you, I do not remember that person I used to be 4 months ago. I remember she was a pacifist, vehemently against weapons of any kind. She was shy and non-confrontational, she was in therapy for anxiety, low self-esteem, and imposter syndrome. I remember how scared I was of myself the first time I felt joy at the sight of dead russian soldiers. I remember the moment I snapped for the first time and cursed up and down some kremlin-bot online. I remember how proud I was when I told off a European person who demanded groveling from me for his "help" while he was being rude at the same time.
Today I am proud, I am so proud of myself. I feel fierce and unbreakable. Even when I get tired and I cry on the floor in my little hallway. Because every time I get up. Because I can make my friends smile even at a time like that. Because I am still passionate about my future and I feel like I am a part of that army that's fighting to preserve the things we love.
I don't remember that girl I used to be 4 months ago, but somehow I feel like I turned into someone with thicker skin capable to protect that gentle little thing. I am functioning on adrenaline and rage, and while I have that fuel I'll be kicking ass so she can get excited about pretty flowers, and books, and funny birds. I have titans on my side making sure she is safe, so I'm not even worried.