I’m the kind of mother who wanted to take maternity leave, take care of the home, and simply enjoy motherhood. But life turned out very differently.
I’ve been raising my little one on my own for almost a year now. During this year, I’ve felt relief, unimaginable difficulty, pain, immense happiness, gratitude, and love for the world, for people, and for my child.
I knew that raising a child was hard and that it changed your life. But I never imagined that having a job and being a mother at the same time could be this difficult.
Now, a little context.
In January, I left my job at a foundation for personal reasons. It was a matter of honesty and staying true to my values. I think I’ve written about it before.
I spent several months looking for a new job and didn’t find one because I’m a mother. Eventually, I found a part-time project that, in reality, required full-time hours. For six months, I worked at night to get everything done. And now they haven’t paid me for four months because of some internal payment calculations or whatever.
I’ve been living on credit for four months.
And throughout all this time, I kept doing my job. I didn’t spend my time looking elsewhere. I continued to complete every task with full dedication, thinking the money would surely come any day now.
And now that the bank won’t increase my credit limit, I’ve started looking for a new job again.
I came to stay with my parents for a month to save money and because I thought I’d have some help with my daughter. You know how it’s supposed to work in an ideal world? Grandma and Grandpa spend time with their granddaughter, while I get at least a few hours a day to send out CVs and attend interviews.
But life had another surprise waiting for me!
At two years old, my daughter categorically refuses to spend time with anyone except me. Well, to be more precise, she loves them all, but Mum still has to be nearby and take part in every activity.))
When I was in Lviv — my parents live in the Chernihiv region — I worked at night. Because you need money to hire a nanny or send your child to daycare, but you need time to find a job. And hiring a nanny while living on credit simply isn’t realistic.
So yes, it’s a vicious cycle 😄🤌
Working at night affects my relationship with my daughter. When I haven’t slept enough, it’s difficult to cope with the uncontrollable emotions of a toddler. I can be irritable more often, and then the guilt hits even harder.
Because what kind of mother does that make me?
And children feel everything their mothers feel, so bedtime became another surprise. My daughter started falling asleep at 11 p.m. or midnight, which means I then sit at my computer and work until morning.
Now add the wider reality of living in Ukraine.
The cherry on top ))
So why am I writing all of this here?
I want to document the hardest period of my life.
It will end. I know I’ll find my way out of it.
I love my daughter. I wanted to be a mother. I love people, I love my work, and I love who I am and who I’m capable of becoming. But right now, things are difficult.
And despite everything, I continue volunteering and doing as much as I can for my country through the Lemberg Volunteers foundation. I wish I could do more. And I will, once my life becomes more stable.
I still feel like a happy person. But damn, all of this is so unfair and so incredibly hard.
We need to rebuild our nation. In Ukraine, an enormous number of women are raising children on their own, including women whose husbands are serving in the military or have been killed. And at the same time, trying to have a job and be a mother feels like some form of torture.
And yet, I genuinely believe that mothers are among the most dedicated employees. When you have a child and you’re the only source of income, you hold on to your job and do everything you can to be effective and not lose it.
I won’t give up. I never do.
And I’ll get through this chapter too.
I even have ideas for how to help develop the region I come from — a place that suffers from Russian attacks and has been slowly dying after centuries of torment. The fact that I still have ideas is a sign that I’m doing more or less okay ))
By the way, keep your fingers crossed for me.
Tomorrow, I have an interview with the only company that invited me to one. It’s a major company in Ukraine, and I genuinely love it as a customer.
I don’t hide the fact that I’m a mother. I don’t want to work somewhere that requires me to hide it because that would go against my values.
Living by your values is harder. But at least it doesn’t feel like betraying yourself. Your values are an inner compass and a source of strength, and in the long run, they never let you down.
Phew. I needed to get that off my chest.
It’s 12:21 a.m., and I’m going back to working on my portfolio.
Sending you a hug! Please don’t be upset that I appear here so rarely. The time will come when I have the energy again to make you smile with my videos and messages ❤️🩹