08/01/2008/2024…?
Dear reader, I hope these pages shed some light on what is happening to me, and I hope you can help me find a way home… A way back to her. To my love.
My name is Tom, and I am thirty-one years of age… Or, I should be. I was leading a relatively normal life, though I always claimed to be luckier than most because of Lucy. My childhood sweetheart. I could stare into her gloriously glittery green eyes and my troubles would melt away… She is the sweetest, most supportive woman I have ever known and I am–I mean, I was–Lucky to have her by my side. I had planned to propose this coming summer, but… Well…
I have decided to keep a journal so perhaps you, the reader, may help me solve this riddle and find my way back to her. So I guess I should start from the beginning… From this morning. Yesterday, everything was normal. I’d finished work at the research lab and fallen asleep in Lucy’s arms, her fingers gently brushing my hair, and then…
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In my dream, I heard a familiar voice calling my name. Over and over again. “Thomas! Thomas!”... Oddly, it was my grandma’s voice. During my childhood, she lived with my father and I due to a convoluted backstory, so I grew up with her. Unfortunately she passed away a number of years ago. But this dream… Her raspy voice. I awoke and stretched, reaching for my love, but only empty sheets met my grasp. I thought to myself that she’ll be making breakfast. I smiled; the love I hold for her warmed my heart.
Then I heard my grandma’s voice again. “Thomas! Are you going to school or what?”
…
I sat upright and rubbed my eyes. This was not my home… Or, rather, it was my home but my childhood home. This was not the home I’d settled in with Lucy. The beige walls and awful blue curtains brought a flood of nostalgia back. I flopped backwards in bed. Surely still a dream.
Then I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and my grandma’s voice again, getting more and more irate. “Thomas! You’re going to be late!”
I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again. Still in the same room. I clutched my head and my fingers found long curls, halfway down my back… I had long hair as a teenager but I’d cut that all off years ago!... Didn’t I?
Anger now came from the stairwell, just outside my door. “Thomas! Are you even awake?!”
I replied, “Yes I… I don’t feel well.”
With that response, a knock came at the door and it slowly opened. I couldn’t believe it. My grandma, with sympathy across her caring face, walked in and sat on my bed. She put a hand to my forehead. The emotion almost overcame me there and then. This was perhaps the most realistic dream I’d ever had. I could feel everything, I could smell the lingering scent of cigarettes on her cardigan. She told me she’d make me some food and that I could stay off school today. School… I finished school over fifteen years ago. I work as a junior in a particle research lab…
The rest of the day came as quite the blur. I still don’t know what to make of it. The sun dipped hours ago and I’m scribbling these notes. I spent the day trying to wake up from this dream. I pinched myself, jumped in a cold shower, walked outside, but everything is still so vivid, like I’m back here. I’ll sleep now, and come the morrow, I wish to wake up in my own bed with Lucy by my side. If not…
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09/01/2008?
I awoke still in the past. The horrifying realisation that this might not be a dream after all hit me like a freight train ferrying a neutron star. I had so many questions. How? Why? Was my future all a dream? Was Lucy not real? Impossible. But I knew immediately what my next step was. I had to go back to school.
I knew this was my path for two very important reasons. Firstly, I met Lucy at school, so surely she’d be there and I could see her again. Perhaps she would also have her memories of our… Alternate life. Secondly, I could not yet ascertain whether my actions now would affect my future, so I had to ensure my path stayed as true as I could make it.
I tried my best to act as I would have when I was fifteen, but the years of experience floating around in my head made my judgement much clearer than it was when I was a teenager. I awoke early enough to see my father off to work which was eerily comforting. I didn’t want to express my predicament to him yet. I had to keep my cards close to my chest. I finished breakfast and left for school.
A strangely calm feeling came with my walk to school. My home town was exactly as I remembered it. Of course, Lucy and I moved out of the UK two years ago for me to pursue my career and I didn’t get to see this place much anymore. My emotions were all over the place, not helped by the fact I was stuck in my teenage body and hormones were once again raging.
I arrived at school and immediately burst into tears. My friends… I haven’t seen these people for ten years. Patrick, Emma, Becci, Bobby, James… They greeted me with hugs, and I fell apart. They crowded me, concern plastered across their faces. I partially lied, I told them I was still feeling unwell but it was wonderful to see them again and it was happy tears.
I looked at each of them in turn, but one was missing. I asked; “Where’s Lucy?”
My heart sank when they returned quizzical gazes. “Which Lucy?” asked Patrick, glancing at the others for a hint of what I was talking about. My voice diminished. I didn’t need to ask my follow-up question, but I did anyway while bracing myself for the answer.
“Lucy Casteleyn…?”
The group looked confused. Pat nodded to a spot behind me. “You mean Lucy Cooper, from Maths?” I turned to see another classmate. Not the Lucy I was looking for. I shook my head, “Nevermind.” My voice must have given away my emotions since Pat slung an arm around me and led me inside the main building. We still had some time before school started for real.
Pat took me to one side and asked if I was okay. He said I wasn’t looking well and shouldn’t have come in today. He wasn’t wrong. My worst fears came true. The love of my life, my Lucy, wasn’t here. She didn’t exist here. The weight of this revelation sent me into a spiral. As if I didn’t already have enough questions, I now had a dozen more. My heart had been torn from my chest, shredded, beaten, whisked, devoured, spat out, stomped on, and burned. What was my life without my love? What was I to do now?
Her delicate floral scent still danced in my memory. Her radiant smile lighting up any room she walked in cast warmth on my face. I called her my little sunflower because she was bright and beautiful and sunny. She had that kind of energy where it was impossible to feel down in her presence. And now? She didn’t exist.
“Mate, let’s get you to the nurse and get you home. You need some more rest.”
I simply nodded and shuffled along with my arm around my friend, him supporting my weakened state. I needed time to process this.
I’m now sitting at home in my room, writing today’s entry, but I need time. Even now, tears damped the pages of the journal. I can’t… I can’t go on without her.
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16/01/2008
I decided to go back to school. I’d spend the last week moping around, lamenting my lost life. My father almost took me to the hospital but somehow I’d managed to convince him not to. I could always tell him anything, but this? How do you explain this?
I need to push forward, not only for me but for her. I needed to find my little sunflower. I believe she is still there, in our timeline. Based on my current evidence, if she is not here, then I am also not there and she is beside herself with worry. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking over this problem, but I’m no closer to answers. I knew I needed some help.
I arrived at school and my friends greeted me with the usual hugs and questions. I told them I was feeling much better and I’m ready for school. Luckily, none of them brought up my question about the girl that ‘didn’t exist’.
When I was a teenager–an actual teenager–I enjoyed school. It was a place where I felt comfortable with my friends, and of course a place where my first budding romance started. Lucy and I were always close in school, and all of our friends guessed we would end up together for the long term. We did everything together; we stuck together better than those glue sticks we used in Geography.
It was just before lunch, in science class–my favourite class–where I blurted it out to Patrick. Our teacher had set us off on a task and Pat asked me about the past week. He said he knew something wasn’t right, I still wasn’t acting ‘normal’.
“And who is that Lucy Casteleyn you mentioned?”
I couldn’t help it. At the mention of my love, I told him the truth.
“Pat, listen, this is going to sound insane, but I’m not from this time… I mean, I am, but I’ve done this.”
Of course he looked at me like I was insane, so keeping my voice low, I attempted an elaboration.
“The current year is 2024. I’m thirty-one, I work as a junior in the European Particle Research Lab and the love of my life is Lucy Casteleyn who went to school with us here. I woke up last week, and I’m back here again in 2008, with no Lucy.”
A smile crept up Pat’s cheeks, thinking I was spouting some shit. Apparently I did that a lot for a laugh when I was a teen. His smile soon vanished when he saw the seriousness of my expression. He leaned in close, “Tom, have you taken any drugs?”
I recoiled. “Absolutely not!”
“Then you need to see a doctor because you’re on some wild fever dream.”
Of course. What did I expect? How could anyone believe that I have somehow travelled back in time and inhabited my teenage self’s body? But then it hit me, glancing up at my teacher, a memory swooped into my skull and skidded to a halt at the forefront of my mind.
Today! Today is the day that one of the kindest teachers in our school, Mr Jenkins, was escorted off the premises and fired. It’s something nobody would have believed would happen. He was one of those cool teachers, easy-going but firm. He got results from his students, and was incredibly supportive. But this incident… I spoke to Pat again.
“This will corroborate my story. Today, at the end of lunch break, Gus throws an apple at Mr Jenkins. It hits him on the back of the head, and something within him snaps. He pins Gus to the wall and threatens to punch him. Senior Leadership forcibly remove him from the site and he never returned.”
Pat grinned at me in disbelief. “Mr Jenkins? That dude is so calm and gentle.”
“Which makes it more unbelievable, right? Listen, if I’m right about this, you have to believe me.”
“Sure Tom. It’s never going to happen but I’ll humour you. Where does it happen?”
“In front of E Block, apparently. Away from where we usually take lunch, but just today, I’ll show you.”
Pat agreed and a wave of relief washed through me.
Lunch break turned out to be rather dull. Pat and I just sat together. We told our other friends that we had some studying to catch up on. Instead, we watched the playground. Both Gus and Mr Jenkins were in today so that was already a positive. But then, the bell rang indicating the end of lunch and the massive student body began to move, funnelling their way into buildings to attend their final lessons of the day.
Pat gripped my shoulder. “No time travel for you, buddy.”
I sighed, dejected. Perhaps it was just a fever dream. Perhaps I had really hallucinated the next sixteen years of my life… And perhaps… She wasn’t real. The girl of my dreams, occupying my heart and my head every waking moment… My little sunflower… My Lucy… Not real? The thought of it closed my throat.
Then, I felt Pat’s grip tighten on my shoulder. He pointed and exclaimed, “Look!”
We watched as Gus took aim with an apple and launched it into the crowd. Sure enough, it hit Mr Jenkins on the back of the head with enough force to explode into fragments that showered the students around him. His fists clenched and he swung around, almost sprinting toward Gus.
We watched the whole thing. Students yelped and ran as Mr Jenkins’ fury erupted out of him. His face boiled red as he grabbed Gus by the neck and pinned him to the wall. We couldn’t hear what he was spitting from here, but Gus went white as a sheet. Two senior leaders pulled the raging teacher away and dragged him out of sight.
Pat’s jaw dropped. He glared at me, unable to form words, then a wry smile crossed his lips.
“Ah very good, very good. An impressive setup! I have no idea how you pulled it off but getting everyone to play along… Wow.” He clapped and my stomach dropped. He still doesn’t believe me. I huffed and said, “Check the news tomorrow.”
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17/01/2008
As soon as I arrived, Pat glared at me and pulled me to one side. “Okay, so it’s all over social media, and now in the local paper. How did you know that would happen?” He kept his voice low.
“I told you, I’ve lived this already. I’m sixteen years ahead of this.”
“Do the lottery then!”
A small chuckle left my lungs.
“I would if I bothered to pay attention and memorise any of the results of the last sixteen years.”
You see… When you don’t expect to be launched backwards through time, you tend not to remember details that will no longer help you.
Pat sighed with a smile. He knew that would be the answer.
“What else do you remember? I’m still not completely convinced.”
Shit. I did remember something else. The day after the Jenkins incident, some of the other bullies got a little too rowdy. My own bully, Jake, decided it would be a wonderful day to knock one of my teeth out. In front of Lucy, no less. But that’s not happening today. Despite only being a teenager myself, I still saw my classmates as mere children, and I’ll be damned if a kid is going to bully me. I told Pat.
“Okay. Break time, in our usual hang out spot, he comes up to you and punches you?”
“Completely unaware, yes. I remember you launching yourself at him afterwards and making him regret it, but I still lost a tooth that day.”
“Well, not today mate. We’ll be ready!”
I nodded, relieved that it seemed Pat had actually come around to believing my story.
Break time came and I was hanging out with my friends as usual, albeit feeling still a little odd. Pat and I kept a cautious watch for my bully, but we didn’t have to watch for long. An irritating, high-pitch voice yelled my name from around the corner. “Oi, ya ginger prick! I heard you was talking shit about me!”
I sighed and stared at Jake marching towards me. It’s funny. I remember being terrified of this kid, but now I look at him and see just an angry, troubled little boy. I almost pity him. Almost.
He came at me with some speed, but this time I was ready. I stood my ground and swung my fist when he was in range. Apparently, the years of kickboxing I did in my early twenties stayed with me too. Jake ended up flat on his arse clutching his cheek. Pat was beside himself with laughter.
I felt bad. I proffered a hand to help the kid up. He slapped it away and scrambled to his feet on the brink of tears. All he managed was to say “Fuck you!” before tearing away, tail between his legs. I felt proud, but a pang of sadness tore through my chest… The last time this happened, Lucy was here. I wish she could have seen me stand up to him. Would she be proud of me, or terrified?
Pat noticed. He congratulated me and clapped me on the back. My friends let out small cheers. They knew Jake had tormented me for years and I think they were happy to see me best him for once, though I still feel like I just clocked a kid… And I’m an adult. I shouldn’t have done that. Then, Pat sat me down, just a little way from the group.
“I believe you.” he said, much to my astonishment. “That’s two out of two. Only… I’m confused about one thing. You keep mentioning this Lucy girl… Where is she?”
My heart sank. Every mention of her name reminded me that she wasn’t here. Every memory I have with her, for almost twenty years, played in my mind with a huge shadow of doubt looming over them.
“She should be here.” I said. “I mean… She was part of our friendship group. She was best friends with Becci, but her and I always spent the most time together. For years you all teased us, but really, nobody was surprised when we announced our relationship, not even us. I think… We always knew.” I hung my head. “And now nobody but me remembers she even exists.”
“Are you still together? In the future I mean?” Asked Pat, now genuinely more curious about my story.
I nodded. “She is my world. My everything. My heart, my soul, my life. I love her utterly and completely, and I want to grow old with her.” I let out a small, single-breathed laugh as I remembered an anecdote. “We’d play stupid games like ‘Steam Mirror Silhouette’.” A smile lit up my face as I recounted the game. “She’d shower with the door open a little, since it was just us living together, we had no reason to shut ourselves away. When she was done, if I stood outside I could see the mirror but nothing more. She would pose and I would have to guess what she was doing through nothing but the steamed-up reflection.”
I shook my head. “Sorry, that’s lame.”
“It sounds great mate. That you’re able to be silly with one another and laugh like that.” Apparently, I’d forgotten just how far above his age Pat really was. An avid science enthusiast like me, though he always wanted to go into teaching.
“It sounds cheesy as hell, but it’s like that Taylor Swift song–”
“Who’s Taylor Swift?”
Now that really did make me laugh. It’s 2008, her second album will be coming soon.
“You’ll know in a few years.” I promised.
“So tell me,” he continued, “why do you think you’ve been sent back here? What could have caused this.”
“I don’t know.” And I really didn’t. I’d spent my entire time here thinking it over and came up with nothing.
“What was the last thing you remember from your time? Before you came here?”
“I had just finished work, feeling exhausted. We were close to a breakthrough at the lab. I settled into Lucy’s arms on the sofa and drifted off with her stroking my hair.” I paused and added with a quip, “Yes I did get it cut.” Then added, “Then I fell asleep and woke up in my old bed. I mean… Here. In this time.”
Pat scratched his head. “Where did you say you worked again?”
“EPRA. The European Particle Research Lab in Switzerland.” A look of amazement crossed Pat’s face. Clearly he was impressed… If only he knew what I did all day as a junior.
“Wow, Tom. You’ve always wanted to be a physicist, no? And EPRA? Aren’t they currently working on finding the Higgs Boson?”
“Well, they were. They found it. Sometime in 2012. I had just started uni so I had nothing to do with that, sadly.”
Pat’s face lit up with excitement. I knew he had a million more questions about the future, but I reigned him in. “I can’t possibly reveal the secrets of the unexciting future to you now, mate”
He sighed, knowing I was right, then continued our conversation.
“So, what were you working on?”
“Well, as a junior, I was only assisting the seniors with paperwork and checking their calculations. Repeating experiments. That kind of deal. If I was lucky, I got to help on the particle accelerators.”
And then… A sudden realisation slapped me across the face. I was so obsessed with worrying about Lucy, I neglected to think about my work. I grabbed Pat by the shoulders and almost yelled in his face.
“Chronon!”
He pushed me away gently. I think I was too enthusiastic. “What?”
“The research at the lab! We were attempting to prove the existence of the Chronon particle.”
“Buddy,” he sighed, “You’re going to have to explain that one to me.”
“Okay okay. A chronon is a hypothetical particle that is responsible for the passage of time. Our task was to either prove or disprove its existence.”
“So you’re saying you found it?”
“I have no idea what I’m saying, but I think I have a place to begin. According to Dr Twigg’s research, if chronons do exist, we should be able to interact with and manipulate the flow of time. Come to think of it, my work that day was a routine clean and check of the accelerator.”
Pat looked confused but nodded along anyway. At the realisation, I knew I needed to get home… I mean, to my old home. There may be a way for me to at least communicate with my Lucy.
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12/02/2008
I’ve been absorbed in my work. I’m only remembering fragments of Dr Twigg’s research, and it’s not like I can look it up. I also… Drew a picture… Of Lucy. I miss her dearly. My heart aches every single day, heavier and heavier it grows without my sunflower’s light to illuminate my spirit. I have no photos of her. I’m no artist but it’s all I have… I’ve searched the internet and whatever early social media we have and found nothing. Why is everyone else here except her?
I also don’t want my grades to drop, so I’ve been working harder at school. If I were to fail in this timeline, perhaps it would have awful repercussions in my current time. There’s too much uncertainty for me to be complacent, especially if I want to ever hear my love’s sweet, melodic voice again. Sometimes, she’d sing me to sleep. I miss her angelic voice and the warmth of her skin…
Oh Lucy… I will come back to you soon, my love. I promise…
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13/03/2008
I admit I’ve been neglecting my journal somewhat. School has been fine. Pat has been trying to help me figure out a way back, but alas his early knowledge isn’t as much use as I’d like.
My other friends are distancing themselves… Perhaps I have grown too frantic. Nevertheless, I must press on with everything I have.
I have a plan, though, I have great fears that ride on those plans. What power does a fifteen year old have in the world? I cannot get back to EPRA, even if I wanted to. I’m wasting time writing here. I must work.
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24/08/2008
The timelines… Chronons are one but split!!!!!!
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10/01/2010
Aha! I’ve found my journal again. That last entry made little sense, but I had to note it down somewhere. I’ve successfully passed school, though I grew distant from my friends as I focused more on this work. I think I’ve discovered a way to at least communicate. I must tell Pat. He’s been staunchly helping me throughout and has proved to be much more valuable than I initially thought.
Not a day goes by where I don’t think of her. I’m plagued by the thoughts of her moving on, meeting someone new in the timeline where I am not there. What if I was never there? What if she is leading a happy life with another, with no memory of me at all? The thought is too much to bear. I must rectify this tear in time. I think I’ll go for a walk tomorrow.
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11/01/2010
EVIDENCE! THERE IS EVIDENCE!
I took a walk to our tree. It’s a large tree on a hill overlooking the village. Lucy and I called it ‘our’ tree. That’s where we shared our first kiss. I’ll never forget it. We had just realised that what we felt for one another was romantic, and decided to go for a stroll to talk about it. We sat beneath the tree on a sunny summer’s day and confessed our attraction to one another. Her smile captivated me, as it always did. I brushed some of her golden hair out of her face and… It just happened. We kissed. It was everything magical and explosive, and I knew from that moment she was my one. We cuddled for hours, just chatting away, fingers interlocked and soaking up the sun.
Every now and again we’d go for a picnic there, or chill out together by our tree. I went there today and IT’S STILL FUCKING THERE. Sometime around 2011 I carved a heart in that tree with a rock. No initials or anything since it took me forever just to do the damn heart, but it’s there! It’s MY heart I know it is. I know it’s mine, which means that I was there WITH her. It may mean that messages I leave will persist into the future, which brings a glimmer of hope in this infinite darkness.
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26/10/2011
I keep neglecting this journal. I’m too focused, too driven. I’ve been back in this time for almost four years now, still living the life I once lived, only without her… I passed college, I got my place in University. I still remember my dissertation piece that got me onto the PhD course. It shouldn’t be much trouble to rewrite it. But I have a plan. I need to write a note for my sunflower to persist into the future, somewhere only she will find it. My only concern is how would she communicate backwards in time? This is another quandary I must think on…
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04/05/2015
I visited the house we bought together in Switzerland. I left a message behind a loose brick that she discovered when we moved in together in 2022. The note gives her a rundown of my situation, briefly, and tells her to visit our tree with a shovel. There, I shall bury a small box containing this journal, another note, and a special item, just for her. I cannot continue with this chronicling. It’s hampering my research and pulling away my time to get back to her.
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16/11/2015
My final entry. Lucy, my love. If you’re reading this, you’ll know I haven’t given up on you. I’m close to figuring this out, I know it. In my madness, flickers of hope light the way. Should my plan work out, I will return to you on the same date I left, and for you, no time at all will have passed. Your memories from the time between will vanish, but I fear mine will not. For you, my sweet, it will be like I never left, but for me, I must wait a lifetime just to hear your beautiful voice soothe my soul once more. Tomorrow, I will bury this box, and hope that in your timeline, you will find it. I love you.
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The journal ended there. Lucy sobbed into the pages and clutched the leather-bound volume to her chest. Despite her sorrow, a smile pushed through. At least now she knew, after so many years and coming so close to giving up, she knew all along that something happened to her Tom outside of his control.
She read the little note one last time before nodding, placing the ring on her finger, and holding her hand to the weathered heart carved into the trunk of the tree.
“Yes, my love.” she whispered. “Come back to me soon.”