Dear Department of Education,
We need to talk. I know this might be unexpected but I have been having some serious doubts about our relationship recently, and I need to get some stuff off my chest.
I'll be honest, I have been talking to some of my friends and they've pointed out to me a few traits of yours that I now see are toxic. Please don't get mad or send me any intimidating letters with an official letterhead on them - I am serious. I'm tired of having you threaten me and demand that I prove myself to you constantly - when you literally have no authority over me. I now realize that I never even consented to this relationship. The way you show up uninvited at my house to check up on my curriculum choices and belittle my efforts. Frankly it's an abusive pattern. You should seek help.
I need to tell you that we're breaking up. I know that this is going to be hard for you and that you might want to lash out, but I'm prepared to do whatever it takes.
And I'm taking the kids.