A few days ago, it was two years that we knew that my wife and I would be parents. Lucas’ parents.
Early in the morning, we received a called from social services. We had to go there and have a meeting with them because a kid had been assigned to us in Dominican Republic. We went there and then we saw his photo. Probably the most emotional moment of our lives.
I’ve been asked several times what was the most difficult thing we have had to endure with the adoption. The answer is clear and fast: the bonding process. That day, when we knew about Lucas, I would have answered “the waiting process”. In Game of Thrones Ygritte’s words: “You know nothing Jon Snow…”
On March 21st, 2022 Lucas woke up. He was in Santo Domingo. It was something strange because up to that day, he had been living in Jimaní, a small town near the border with Haiti. M and J, his host parents told him that he was going to meet his parents. But he knew nothing about those things. He already had a family, brothers and sisters in his same situation. A house, a way of life. He knew which were his toys… what he usually ate… his lifestyle.
Regardless, they took him to the lobby of an aparthotel where two strangers came to greet them. Lucas was scared to death and he didn’t separate from J. At some point, the lady from social services indicated that Lucas should be left alone with his parents. He went nuts, but for some reason, he allowed his father to take him and hug him. He was having a rough time because he was way too small and he had been left with strangers (for the second me in his life). From that day, whenever he felt alone with his parents, he went with his father, but it was not hugging for love, but mostly “please don’t let anyone hurt me”.
He was terrified. But a bond was created.
The bond with me was more or less done, but from that day, my wife had to start working on “the bonding process”. This happens often: the child bonds only with one person, father or mother, and then the other person has to gain his trust. While in Dominican Republic, my wife was 24/7 with him, playing with him, teaching him how to play in a pool or how to swim in the sea. Helping him improve his mobility skills, teaching him different games… And in the end, trying him to trust her and accept her as his mother.
We arrived in Andorra and the bond was not quite there yet. With such big change there were steps back… hitting, spitting, bitting, kicking, was some of the stuff my wife had to endure, and a constant, every day rejection.
“I don’t want to be with you”
Can you imagine how hard it is to hear those words from your son and knowing that he is being serious?
He told me that, once, in Dominican Republic and I felt it like a knife in the heart… My wife had to endure that for a year and a half.
We talked with psychologists, social services, between us, looking for solutions. She got to a point in which she thought that motherhood would involve rising a child that didn’t love her.
And one day, while talking about the situation, we got to a conclusion:
Suddenly one day his mother wasn’t there for Lucas anymore, and he was surrounded by strangers. Being his mother is something he wasn’t going to give up lightly.
_Do you want the job? Convince me that you are not going to abandon me…
We realized that my wife was the most important person in his life at that moment. Me? He loves me, I know. But he was needing a Mother.
So she understood his motives… she changed her mindset.
And on top of that something else happened. Like if it was sent from heaven, we met with a friend that has a child with severe autism to grab a coffee in a park in Andorra. For some reason, her son decided to hug my wife and sit on her knees while she was sitting, something extremely rare for this kid. And when Lucas saw that, he ran and hugged her. It was like if he was saying
“Don’t take her away from me… she is my mother…”
And then it clicked.
Lucas wanted to be with his mother for the first time.
The ultimate motive was a change of mindset. Understanding that you, as a parent, need to help your adopted son find the way to you, not the other way around. That he desperately needs a mother (and a father!) but that you can’t expect him to accept you right away.
The amount of courage and strength that my wife showed all that me still baffles me. Lucas would have probably tear me down if it would have been me the one having to gain his trust. But it happened that way because it had to be that way. Because I had to stay with my wife through the process, because she was the only one with strength enough to endure it and I could be there to hold her in the lowest moments.
With Lucas, we received several stuffs from him that he received during the two years and a half that he was with his host parents. One of the things we received was a birthday card with a Bible versicle.
Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
This was something that Carlos and I repeated throughout the years. We always said: “the Lord has a plan for us, we only need to trust him”.
And what a plan the Lord had for Lucas…
This article is written solely out of my experience. My intention is to share it in the hope that it helps anybody in his life.
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They really need your help.
DONATE: https://threetrees.kindful.com