"Coming home is a journey of the heart."
When I arrived in Zagreb, my friend was already waiting for me at the train station. I called him from the train and said everything in short, and he just said:
"Don't you worry, you'll be staying at my place for some time. I understand everything. Just call me when you are close to Zagreb."
And I did. I was happy to see him, and so proud of myself for having such a great friend who didn't even ask about my reasons for asking him a favor. He just knew, and I knew it too.
We were really such great friends that there's no day when I don't think about him and how early he left me, very soon after my husband died. They died the same year, 4 months apart.
I also called Splićo when we arrived at my friend's house. like I said I would. He just told me that Dalmatia seems so empty without my 'crazy ass' and burned head. He also said that he misses me and can't wait to come to Zagreb in two months. We talked a little more, and that talking sounded like we were a couple or something. My friend was just thrilled to tease me after I finished the talk, and also said, "I love you too."
Didn't really mean to tell that, but it's just split my mount.
"Ohoo-hoo, somebody is in Looooveee...I miss you too, I love you, kissy, kissy...!"
He was teasing me so hard that I just started laughing and said to him not to be crazy. I already explained to him: 'That a relationship is not possible.'
"I'm not that sure, Dejž. It seems to me like you really love each other."
"Think whatever you want, I told you, it is not happening. I can also call Marko and Istra, and they will also say something familiar. We are all just friends, accept it!"
"OK, OK! You got your point. Speaking of the lovelife, I did see that crazy ass Ilija of yours."
"Wow, WTF! Where? How? What did he say? Was he terrible to you like he is to anybody else?"
"He came to my school asking for you. Don't worry, I told him, the last time I saw you was at the 'Jadrija festival' and you were sending me funny messages about someone, and that's it. That you never told me where you are because of him."
"You really told him that? Did he punch you or threaten you or something?"
"No, he didn't have a chance because I was with a lot of people and he was just with that friend of his, you know, the one with the scar."
"Consider yourself lucky, if you were alone, you could really get hurt, you know how crazy he is. Do not do that to me again, please. I am thankful for your answer to him, but it was quite stupid and you know that, do you?"
"I know, I was scared, I won't lie to you, and you are right, I did get lucky. I asked one of my schoolmates to take me home by car because I thought he might follow me and that won't be great. Me and my big mouth."
"Thank God! Man, he really is crazy. He never came back to your school?"
"I don't know, maybe, but after that we had two weeks of practice downtown, which he couldn't know."
"You really are one lucky bastard. And when was that?"
"Three weeks ago, I just finished that school practice today. Do you think he could come back to my school?"
"I don't think so, he knows that I'm about to come to Zagreb, much more likely, he will come to my school very soon. I know!"
"And what will you do? Can't miss any more classes, you are on thin ice because, 'burned out head of yours', forgot that school has started. You really realised it while drinking in Split and saw all those kids with bags? "
"Yeah! I am not normal, I know that already, but I had so much fun, school was the last thing on my mind. I need to find an awesome reason for the three weeks of school. I will get expelled if I don't come up with something. Man, I am so screwed!"
"Oi, oi, don't worry. We will find the best reason ever, and you can always make a fake excuse from the doctor or something."
"Maybe I will do just that. Don't want to think about that now. Come on, I have some stuff left, let's celebrate my return, he he!"
" You're as crazy as that soldier of yours. But I like the way you are thinking."
"Your father will really be OK with me staying here for a while?"
"Don't worry about that, he thinks you are my girlfriend, so act like it, lol!"
"Do I need to kiss you and touch you and all that relationship BS?"
"You can, and you don't have to. We will go with the flow. Don't worry, let's start that celebration you were talking about, you need to tell me more details than on the phone, you know that!"
"Of course, somebody needs a little drama and action, I see. Ha ha!"
"You know I am an addict, and you can't be that cruel. Gave me some insight into those juicy stories of yours, I think I deserve that!"
We started laughing and fooling around. I was finally home and was happy. I was with one I loved so much, and I couldn't wait to have that celebration we talked about.
I put my stuff in the corner of the room. It was a very big room, and I took my hunting bag to get the goods. He almost started to drool when I put all those goods on his coffee table in his room.
"Wow, you really have that much, but you tell me you sold a lot of it. How? That Sport Billy bag of yours sure is magical."
"Yes, I did sell a lot, restock and sell again, but you know me, I always have extra plus Splićo gave me some more as a gift."
"You heartbreaking hoe! Using a man to give you free stuff. It's really easy to be a girl, I see."
"He he, you teaser, you know I'm a people person, and I know how to make the deal. Nothing here was stolen or given to me by force."
"I know, I am just teasing you, don't be mad."
"I'm not, don't be crazy. Why on earth would I be mad at you? You are my savior, dear!"
"Ha ha ha! Enough joking, more drug use, please. I couldn't get anything because you were gone for that long. I got something from one guy from school, but his stuff is not even close to yours."
"You don't need to seduce me, dear. It's all for us. I will give the least amount of money tomorrow to the boss. I think we will get more good stuff, but let's not jinx it. I did a great job this summer, and I deserve a promotion, or at least some good stuff. But, tomorrow is tomorrow and today is today!"
We took our poison. He by nose, me by needle. I was a little scared that his father would not come and see me, but he told me not to worry, his father will be home much later.
Not long passed, and we were in some other dimension, chilled and happy, laughing and talking about stupid things about everything and nothing, as always. And something crossed my mind to text Marko, because I saw him in my vision while I was hallucinating. And I did, I texted him:
(That's something he was talking to me a few days ago, that I sent him some crazy message that summer I went with them to Poreč. He remembered it while reading the chapter about that, two chapters before this one. I really don't remember the exact words, but would try to remember...)
I wrote to him something like this:
"Hello, my dear friend, how are things in Istria? Are you all alright? I just came home from Split and am having a 'sleepover' with my best friend. Our dimension has left this planet, and we are in 'Dimension number six', where are you at? What's your 'dimension' ?"
I was about to put my phone down on a coffee table because I was so wasted. My friend was half awake on his couch. He was hallucinating hard, but I was not worried. I knew his dosage, and it was all fine.
But I didn't even put the phone on the table, and the phone rang: 'You got a message' sound.
I was lost for a second. I forgot I sent the text, and in my mind, I was seeing some crazy shit from Ilija. But it was Marko.
"Oi! Kiddo, it's you, you're alive? I can't believe it. Heard that you went 'south' with some dude. Who is he?"
I was out of my mind. I was surprised he knew something that intimate, like my 'Adventures with Splićo'. Who was talking? What is happening? Paranoia hit me hard.
After everything, I started to think, losing my mind, that nothing is real, and everything is unreal. How on Earth does he know that? I couldn't control myself:
"What? What are you talking about?"
"About you and some dude from 'Jadrija' that came by his boat. Is he your new boyfriend? Man, Orlando would be so pleased to hear that...ha ha ha! So, was he a fisherman and a good one?"
"Orlando? What are you talking about? Isn't he with his 'wifey' on a honeymoon or something? What does he have to do with all of that? Please tell me, so I can be sure that I'm not losing my mind. How do you know that?"
"Oh sweetheart, I know everything, all the time...."
"Don't you dare to joke with me like that, why are you like that?"
"Chill, kiddo, your crazy soldier call me, I don't know how he got my number or whatever. I was so freaked out, but then I saw it as a challenge. That guy really wants to get his ass kicked. And you, why are you so paranoid? Let me guess, you were wasted all the time, and you don't even remember. Was that guy OK with you? Did he treat you right? If not...I'm about to change in a crazy mf of yours...ha ha ha ha!"
"He did what? Call you? How on Earth? I'm sorry! And, don't worry, that guy from 'Jadrija' was a perfect gentleman. He has his own business like you, for fishing and scuba diving. Like you are supplying 'Istria', he supplies 'Dalmatia' with fresh fish and all the wonders from the water. But, Ilija? What did he say? What the hell is he doing? I'm about to kill him."
"Oh, a fisherman and diver with his company for supplying restaurants. And how much can he catch in a day? Does he get a good paycheck for his work? You know, you could stay here with us, I could show you all that."
I sensed a little bit of jealousy, but it was cute to me. I didn't know why he was asking me all those questions.
"Yeah, he does all that. I know you have your company too, with your father, just like him. I don't know how much he gets paid or whatever you have asked me. WTF, Marko? I ask you about one crazy person."
"OH yes, yes...he told me something about how he lost track of you, that you are not answering his calls or messages, and that he found out that you are with some fisherman junkie and that he is scared for you. He asked me if I knew him, asked if I called you, call him, or something. He wants to know if you are safe. Seriously, going around in some little fishing boat with some dude, why didn't you want to go with me?"
I was confused. Why is he acting jealous? What the hell does he want? He's usually not like this.
"You never ask me. And if you did, I would gladly accept your call because I couldn't stand Nancy. All we did was stay on your boat and get wasted."
"Oh yeah, right. I didn't ask you. I am sorry. You need to know that we fishermen are a very jealous bunch of idiots. Still thinking about Orlando? (the voice changed) He is still with her. We are not all happy with it because that girl is stupid, trouble, and idiotic. I can't stand her. She is always around him, hugging, kissing, sitting on his lap. He is not pleased, but doesn't want to break up with her, and after he heard you were with some dude on a ship, he got crazy. That night, he was totally angry, and he almost broke with that crazy ass bitch of his, but he just sent her away to go home and not come back, and he will call her if he feels like it. Poor girl ran home, crying. Almost felt sorry for her."
"Man, I almost feel sorry for her too....yeah right, I really don't care, screw that hoe, ha ha ha!"
"Ha ha! Yeah, I'm with you on that. Screw that hoe. He won't be much longer with her, believe me. I saw him looking at other girls, but while he is with her, nothing's gonna happen, unless you come back to us."
"Stop it, Buri, I just got home, I missed three weeks of school and have to make some good excuse so they can't throw me from yet another school. Man!"
"You really missed three weeks of school? Ha ha ha! Burn to the bone!"
"Yeah, yeah, make fun of me, I did, and I will make this right. I sold a lot of stuff, your heroin was like 'top one' in Jadrija, everybody went crazy over it!"
"I know, he he! One of my friends was there, he recognised the merchandise, and he was the one who told me about Sid and Nancy. Ilija never called me; I was messing with you. Well, if my stuff was 'The star of the night', that's one more reason for you to come here to get more. And for school, make one of those fake medical excuses, like a sore throat, a temperature, and stuff."
"Yeah, I will...So, mf didn't call you, you sick bastard! I can't come back to you guys, not now. But you can bring me some of your stuff if you are coming to the concert in two months?"
"Sounds like a plan, better that way. I understand your situation. Did you see that crazy mf? Be careful, Mia, really!"
"I will, talk to you later. My friend is waking up from his 'coma', and we are celebrating my return. We have school tomorrow afternoon."
"Rock on, kiddo! Sex, drugs, and r'n'r! Take care! Will gladly say 'hello' to Orlando. He is going to be so pissed, ha ha ha....You, savage!"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm the worst! Be safe, too."
And that's it. I did talk to him; he was worried, I remember that much. He teased me as always.
He will be free for two more years, and after that, he will be finished in jail for 16 years for first-degree murder, together with my roommate. But then, we were still in 'the game', we still own all the coast, 'City of Zagreb', and some other parts of our great country. Life was still so fucking good, and the money was great.
My friend woke up from his 'delusional sleep' and was totally lost. He said that he thinks I want to kill him. I told him I gave him less than he was asking for, and in some weird way, I actually saved him.
We started to laugh, and he told me that his father would be home soon, so fast! We cleaned all the mess we made and went to his room.
His father came into the room, said hello to us, and went his way. His mother was already ill, and I think that she stayed in a hospital that night. I told him that we need to go and see her tomorrow because that's the right thing to do.
Of course, we didn't sleep; we laughed, listened to music from the awesome studio he made for himself. He was a 'musical type' with specific taste in music; experimental, different, and unique just like he was.
While the darkness was slowly turning into light, I looked at him with how much heart he was putting into his music. He really was different, and I could not be prouder to be his friend.
Recently, I found someone with the same energy as him, and I adore that guy. He is Marko's future best man, and these days, we are at a distance. Not talking because he thinks things between us have become too intense, whatever that means!
I love him as a friend, as a 'best friend". Because I brutally lost, the same year I lost my husband, my best friend. This new guy is someone I love as much as I loved my past best friend.
So, yes, I miss the new guy, but he is in his own drama right now, and I only hope he will find his way back to me, because that's how it's supposed to be.
But back then, my friend's dad went to work or the hospital, I can't remember, and the two of us had a lovely breakfast. He was a cook just like my husband was, just like the new guy is.
Marko can't cook, but the roommate is a 'pretty great' cook.
I mean, I could cook too, but my life is too much of a mess. Doing the simplest tasks makes me feel overwhelmed and distant.
I know, Marko and he love my cooking, because I learnt a lot while living with Orlando. He was the 'best cook' of all of them and anybody else. His food was something special; there was always that 'special' touch, only he knew.
That's why I often get sad watching the episodes of "SpongeBob SquarePants". SpongeBob is him, it's Orlando. And the episode when the secret formula is heart all the time. Yeah. That's the moment I always remember Orlando.
We used to watch that cartoon all the time with my 2 nieces and nephew. Man, we were always around those children, or his sister. I worked in kindergarten for the sake. Kids. Kids. Kids. All around me, just kids.
That period of my life were differed from that chaos I had been thrown into a couple of years ago while we battled to get 'clean'.
Man! What an idiot. For a long time, I lived in fucking squat or sleeping over some random friends. From one of the high schools I went to at a specific time.
The kids from "The Centar". Man, they were all so in deep shit, with fucked up family life that I went through, like, years before. But, they were very organized and were crossing with the kids from my father's business partners.
You know, group skiing, summer together, or a trip to Texas in the U.S. Ha ha ha! My life was upside-down.
But, those chapters need to be told by themselves because I can't remember shit because of the active addiction during that time.
I was in a really 'deep shit', was in third or fourth school then, cause' I was expelled like every fucking year, even flipped my 10th grade. But with just 3 F grades.
Here, in that specific case, if I corrected just one subject, it would be good, just summer school, what was a 'piece of cake', but a pain in the ass.
Or, I could get the chance called "Class exams".
So, basically, you get all the books from all of your 17 subjects: math, history, geography, computers, old Latin and Greek, psychology, sociology, political science, ethics, music, English language, Croatian, philosophy, physics, biology, and art class. Yeah, those subjects are like standard in every fucking Gymnasium and lots of other.
So, yeah, I could learn all that and pass, or go to school and talk to the women from biology.
But festivals were starting, and I didn't want to miss any of it. I lived in a moment. I live how I want to live, and it's just me. I really don't care what will happen tomorrow.
I always kept my good name 'clean', so that's something you must do.
Expectations were very high, and pretty soon, I would have almost died if there hadn't been him, if there hadn't been Ilija. He saved my life, and I owe him my life, I really do.
He was a manipulative, narcissistic, crazy man who was crazy because he was a military sergeant or something, I don't remember that, but was a full-ranking military-base guy. We love and hate each other at the same time. What can I say?
I was going to school and got there on time. Everybody was scared for me, how I looked, and what a fuck am I doing. Others just run in front of me, because they were scared: my scary Iroquois hairstyle look, punk attitude, and craziness, something you don't expect from a girl.
All in black, always, with music, a rucksack, hunting bag, 3 or 4 knives, drugs for 7 people to be stoned for the next 78 hours, lol.
And that was just my usual milligrams. I got that in Kukuljevićeva very young.
Experiment #78. I won't say anything about that, because I can't, I am already saying too much.
My first class was...