Ever since I was a child, (shout out to Florence + The Machine), I've had a diary. I distinctly remember diaries being so much of a trend, that I gifted my best friend one for her birthday, only for there to be three already that she had been gifted. She was exasperated but good-natured about it. She didn't really journal and I remember thinking "she's so lucky."
So I went and bought my own diary.
I don't remember what movie or show I watched that gave me the idea to get a diary, but I loved it. My life felt like it was out of a movie; the protagonist weaving fantastical tales from the mundane. I honestly started most entries with -
Dear Diary... *dramatic sigh and starring into the distance*
Because that's how stars started their journals and I was one and you couldn't tell me I wasn't in a piece of teen literature lamenting the ups and downs of my life.
I wasn't informed about the different types of journals and their functions explicitly. I just thought that any book of a certain size and design was a diary and I could write down my truth. I had written down an unbridled thought about someone in my class in a school journal and, two of my older friends (more like a big sisters), saw it and suggested that I write something nicer. While they meant well, I had picked up that I had to hide my inner thoughts and emotions, which didn't help because I was already struggling with self expression and my opinions being shut down.
As I got older, I never thought that my ideas or daily experiences would be interesting to anyone, least of all my parents, but I was wrong! Besides rummaging through my phone notes for nothing in particular, I once found an old diary from years before hidden by knick knacks in my mother's side table. It was then that I decided that I was going to start burning these books when I was done with them.
While I have had people invade my privacy for their own entertainment or for surveillance, I never stopped journaling. If my life was loose pieces of paper and sanity was my school books, journaling was the glue that gave me structure, sense and flow. It gave me a strange sense of pride that I was documenting my life. Moments that were boring, shocking, exciting, distressing and heartwarming were noted.
All my adventures, anxieties, strengths and traumas find a place in the sun, as I have unintentionally opened a Pandora's Box of buried events in my life. The forgotten bones were difficult to look at and some of them came back to life, morphing into loud shadows that only I can hear and see. Thankfully, all these years of writing for myself and not for an audience have helped me to be more honest; and to meet things with less shame and judgemental, but with more compassion and understanding.
Having a place that made me feel safe through routine practice and secret codes (that I had to teach myself to confuse nosy people reading my diaries!) helped me find something mostly unchanging in an ever evolving life. And that's extremely useful if you're a person who didn't feel like the ground was stable beneath you because things were constantly changing ; and you didn't know about it and just had to go along with it because you had no choice.
Finding and making a constant routine in your life can be great for stabilizing yourself and creating a sense of comfort, reliability and a new perspective in the face of change. You learn to discover a piece of home, security and love - within yourself.
Thank you so much for reading my post! Let me know if you have a practice that's brought you stability and calm in your life. See you next time! 🌹✨