“I just want to get laid,” said my friend’s dad to my friend.
That they were sitting in the crowded waiting room of the doctor’s office was one thing. That he said it loud enough for everyone to hear was another.
Men have a very bad way of expressing themselves. We usually try to break things down to the most basic of wants and needs. We usually express it in terms that don’t make us appear vulnerable. “I just want to get laid” is really saying “I am so sad and lonely and afraid that I wish I could have a person to be with that would see me for who I am and love me, so I could feel alive again.” It’s just easier to say the former and most guys would nod as they would interpret the latter. Most of us men are not Shakespeare.
My friend’s dad is someone I have known and respected for a long time. I remember how he was years ago. He was vibrant, happy and his wife and he were close together. She had passed away from illness some years back. He has been on his own ever since. And now, here he was, staring at the end of life, alone. Dementia is starting to set in. Depression has been there for a while. My friend, a good son, does all he can for him. But it is exasperating as he cannot help his dad live his best life. He brought his dad to live in a retirement home near him. His dad had been living in Florida with his mom, but when she died, he was alone in that state. Moving to be near his son was the right move, so to speak. But that was because everything and everyone that was part of his life is no more.
People, especially those in retirement homes, can be overlooked as “being old.” But too many of them still have wants and needs and the desire to be, well, alive. Like the 89-year-old woman I saw at a retirement home I played at last week. She heard our music and did a little dance across the floor. “You should have seen me when I could do more,” she smiled. I wish I could have seen her then, but I was pretty amazed at her dancing now. Why she couldn’t live at the place where my friend’s dad lives.
I get the loneliness that can be associated with this time of life. And luckily, most nursing homes are starting to believe that perhaps a little romance is not a bad thing. According to Very Well Health, about 40% of people between the ages of 65 and 80 are sexually active. In their article about sex and nursing homes, they state that a lot of this is new territory since people are living a lot longer. Old mores about elder romance can lead to the stifling of such emotional wants of patients because many nursing-home workers simply don't look at the elderly as mature adults, but as children who must be policed out of fear of legal or medical repercussions.
My friend’s dad is still a person. In a health system (at least in the United States) where everything comes down to the dollar, it will be near impossible for him to find a romantic partner as there are so many other places where the dollar needs to be spent, let alone on finding happiness. Maybe it is ridiculous thinking about such happiness for an old person. But we sooner or later will find ourselves--there. Some of us will not be lucky to have a partner for all of our lives. Some of us will be content with that, looking back with fondness on those they did love and enjoying where they are now. Some people have mastered the ability to live a full life alone. However, there are those who face agonizing loneliness. Such people need something, someone. It would possibly be the best medicine out there. I have been saying a little prayer for my friend’s dad. That perhaps, maybe, he can get you know what. READ MARTIN'S OTHER BLOG HERE.