I’m feeling it’s about time I spoke up about a massive issue… It’s something extremely personal that has happened to me, but something I’ve come to the decision that I would like to share with you if you’ve got a few minutes…
A few weeks ago, I crashed.
I fully, mentally crashed, hitting a depth of despair and depression to which I’d never sunk before.
All of my positivity, creativity, mojo, pride and joy had been swallowed up an intense darkness which had been covertly brewing inside for a long, long time.
This overwhelming monster had grown out of an uncontrollable negativity induced from a series of calamities and misfortunes that had been happening at work over the last couple of years or so. (Having both frozen shoulders and this whole Covid thing hasn’t particularly been very helpful either.)
These events were in no way my fault, but in my deteriorating state of mind, I had convinced myself I was entirely to blame.
These bouts of pure bad luck had then continued to follow me to my new job which I had only started just a few weeks ago, around Christmas time.
The pressure of guilt and responsibility from all these wrongly self-accused events, seemed to stealthily open up all of the many, buried and unresolved problems of my childhood.
This toxic mixture all culminated in a monumental series of panic attacks which completely blew me apart.
The frightening loss of control over my mind and body led to me having to pretty much stop everything and have a bit of a time out!
Thankfully, over the last few weeks, with love and support, I have managed to pick up most of the shattered pieces and have started to come to terms with the crux of my issues.
I have been able to come to this stage of recovery through the means of talking my issues through and letting all these demons out.
Now I know it’s not normal to broadcast this kind of personal information via the platform of social media.
Social media is normally that thing where you add glamourous filters to real life and broadcast your best bits…But as most of you are aware, I’m not particularly very normal and I don’t particularly want to be.
(Obviously there’s also the small part of me that has always been a bit of an attention-seeking show-off – so I’ll be the first person to acknowledge the possibly selfish exploitation of my mental health for a few likes and comments.)
Ultimately though, I’d prefer to share this information with you as my cherished family and friends, in the hope it may help anyone else in a similar situation.
TALKING REALLY HELPS!
BOTTLING UP YOUR ISSUES ONLY MAKES THEM WORSE!
PLEASE DON’T KEEP YOUR PROBLEMS TO YOURSELF! SHARE THE LOAD!
I must admit that this is not all a success story. Far from it.
This lengthy essay is still a massive cry for help!
I’m currently at the point where I have contacted my local GP who after getting the gist, insisted I talk to a local NHS support group. They in turn said they were not the appropriate service to deal with me after listening to all of my many, many issues.
Following this, they then suggested a couple of private (very expensive) therapists.
On contacting these, one of the teams had not even got back to me and the other had booked me in for an online assessment, only to cancel it on the morning of the appointment.
So in all honesty, I’m a bit disenchanted in this area now and have taken it upon myself to find therapy in my own way…
Firstly, I have made notes of all the most memorable and haunting traumas and events that have led me to this point. From them I have begun to write down my story. A memoir of my misdemeanours!
It feels amazingly cathartic and purifying.
Funnily enough, the last few books I have read have all been autobiographies and have been a massive influence in this endeavour. (So many thanks are due to those authors: Lily Allen, Rose McGowan, Josh Widdicombe, Daisy May Cooper, Dave Grohl, Billy Connolly and Bob Mortimer to name a few.)
I’m well aware that the difference between these brilliant folks and me is very obvious… I’m not famous and therefore my story is probably not of much interest to the wider world! But at the moment I’ve decided I’m going to continue with what makes me feel happy, healthy and healing.
And writing everything down seems to be it.
Sharing seems to help an awful lot too, so…
If anyone is interested in a sneak preview please do let me know and I’ll share with you my first draft of a chapter which deals with my eventful first year of primary school… I’d really love to see what anyone thought!
I’d be really interested if any of my old school chums from St Catherine’s, Chipping Campden, would give it a read to see if my recollections are in the right ballpark.
I’d definitely welcome any advice regarding the writing in general as it’s not something that comes naturally, but over the last couple of weeks I seem to have developed quite an addictive passion for.
I’d also really love for you, my gorgeous friends, to share with me any of your favourite tales of our personal experiences together. Good or bad – It would be great to add any adventures to my list that I may have missed.
(Also, if you’re somehow a multi-millionaire book publisher, you like what you’ve read and want to give me a huge financial advance to finish the book– that would be really cool too!)
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/Markdekko/my-first-week-primary-school
The second “self-therapeutic” procedure I have undertaken is the continuation of my adventure into the world of abstract digital art. Again, with much appreciated loving support, I have been given a boost that this hobby is a worthwhile activity. I am reminded that so many lovely people enjoy my output and some of these lovely people have even been inspired to purchase pieces! I am always going to be eternally grateful for this!!!
It is literally 2 days to the first year anniversary of sharing my first digital doodle with the world and with that I have taken the next step into further manifesting the images from the screen into reality.
In the last couple of weeks I have had several pieces professionally printed onto photographic paper and am so chuffed with the finished products. Two of our favourite pieces we have had printed into massive 36” x 24” posters. We have now had these framed and hung them up in our house… I’m beyond proud!
Maybe I can call myself an “artist” now? (Maybe – I don’t know… The jury is still out on that one?!)
If you are interested in purchasing a personally signed, high quality, limited print, please do so, here on "Buymeacoffee".
Thirdly, on my voyage back from the bottom of the abyss, I came to the difficult conclusion that perhaps I had taken a wrong turn in the path of my career. Sadly it turns out that the business world is not for me. (Maybe this would have been different if it wasn’t for my blunderous brain blip – but then again maybe these things happen for a reason?!)
I am so grateful for the opportunity I had been given to try my hand at professional graphic design, but after much thought it became clear that my main passion and skillset lies in helping and nurturing others.
I am really pleased to say on this note though, that I have just been offered a job as Teaching Assistant which I have happily accepted.
It’s kind of funny pressing reset and going back to where I started 14 years ago – but it’s a role I have missed terribly and an opportunity I am very, very glad to be taking on again.
So in summary, 2022 so far has seen me completely fall apart, but in doing so has enabled me to put the pieces back together again in a much improved and stronger order.
Finally, if you’ve read this far, I’ll use this opportunity to thank you personally for taking the time and care to digest this waffle. I really appreciate your support!
I do worry that it is rather self-indulgent to be undertaking such a soul-bearing venture as writing all of this out to you. I worry that it seems I have spent a lot of time living in a dream world where I am attempting to be some sort of a writer or an artist, rock star or rapper...
But on reflection it is worrying that has got me into this situation in the first place and without these huge crazy dreams and ambitions - life would be pretty boring… So F*** it! This is me and this is what I do.
To all those angels who have helped me directly through this last month or so, whether through listening, texting, cuddling or just cheering quietly on the side-lines…. I really don’t have the words to thank you enough! (To be fair though… This essay is almost 2000 words!)
All the absolute love as always!
Mark
xxx
P.S. Before you go… Just to shamelessly exploit my mental health issues a tiny bit more… If you are in the position to help me out to recoup my lost wages due to my therapeutic “time-out” from work this month:
Please consider making a purchase through my Redbubble store: MarkDekko.redbubble.com
or
Please consider hitting me up here for a personal MarkDekko print or perhaps “buying me a coffee”.
Many, many thanks again!!! xxx