What a title that is! But it's exactly what happened ..
As you well know I have been really struggling this past year, and about 8 weeks ago it got so bad that I had a breakdown and decided it was time to see my GP. So I went to my doctor and said "I can't do this anymore" and after an indepth chat and many tears from me, we made the decision together to change my medication.
So whilst I was already struggling mentally, I took on the challenge to change from Citalopram (which I had been on for 11 years), to Venlafaxine.
Normally the process would be spread out over months, but because I was already not in a good space, we decided to do it a bit faster than normal; and the process was no joke.
All up it took about 5 weeks as I came off my old medication, and then went onto the new meds.
To start with I thought I was okay. I dropped down my dosage by half, on my old medication (didn't stop it completely), and the first week I just felt my "normal" self - which was a bit emotional but nothing out of the ordinary.
Then I started coming undone completely.
I'd cry all the time and my thoughts were extremely erratic.
Things around me started feeling overwhelming. From making decisions, to hearing loud noises, to even breathing. Everything was hard.
Next (and the most intense) were the heart palpitations - which at first I thought was me having a panic attack. Initially it would last a few hours, and then it just didn't stop.
And that in itself really wore me down.
I was tired emotionally and physically and I was still having to be a parent and do the bits in between. Not only that but I was fighting myself all the time - I'm super self aware so knew this process was necessary and I had to go through the shit to get to the good.
Listening to my stupid brain tear itself down over and over - I’d have to fight myself mentally to keep myself in check and that’s incredibly tiring.
I'd wake up in the morning feeling okay, and then by 2pm I was done. I'd be an emotional wreck and hanging out for Phil to come home so I could cry, and have him by my side.
Each night I'd go to bed at 7pm and just check out mentally because I couldn't deal with it all.
Phil was amazing, as were the kids. I just kept talking to them and kept them in the loop as to how I was feeling. Obviously the kids didn't know the terrible thoughts I was having, or anything like that, but they knew I wasn't in a good space.
I did my best to protect them from what I was going through, but I also knew it was okay for them to see me struggling.
There came a time when it got so bad I had to say to Phil "you might have to start making decisions for me because I'm not sure if I'm going to be of the right frame of mind to do so". Mainly because I kept saying I was okay, but somewhere in my mind I was thinking "I don't think I am but I don't know if I can acknowledge it".
Thankfully it didn't come to that.
After 4 weeks I'd come off the old medication and was ready to go onto the new one.
Instantly the heart palpitations stopped, and that in itself was a blessing; I felt like a new person.
I've been on the new meds for a couple of weeks now and that initial "I feel amazing" feeling has dissipated, and I now realise I probably need to increase my meds but that's a process in itself. I'm on 37.5mg Venlafaxine but it will go up.
I never knew how intense changing medication would be and what the withdrawals would be like - but it was rough.
A necessary evil, but it sucked so much.
Like I said above, as someone who's super self aware, this whole journey was a real rollercoaster ride. Knowing you have to go through the shit to get to the good and trusting the process, especially when your mind tries to convince you otherwise.
If any of my family are reading this - you guys are the real MVP's. Everyone basically surrounded me in love and care and understanding and I don't think I can ever express how incredibly grateful I am for that.
They were my village and I will never ever forget their efforts to support me during that incredibly rough time.
And my therapist - dear lord she is incredible.