Relationships fail for many reasons, but there is one to which hardly anyone pays attention to. People can feel it, but might be completely unaware of it. Unaware or not, it lives within all of us and it keeps pushing through.
Loneliness prompts many people to enter relationships. Loneliness is a response to a type of fear. Starting a relationship in fear, it is not a good reason at all. The feeling of loneliness might disappear for a while, that eventually bites back. Company only offers the mirage that loneliness is gone. Two people might live the rest of their lives together binded by it, but is it a fullfilling relationship in which two people reach their full potential? Hardly.
The spark of lust begins a relationship as fast as it ends it. It can bring a lot of fun to the relationship, but once the novelty has been tasted enough times, the spark extinguish, and to the next. Lust only has so many sparks.
Some people go from relationship to relationship without any gap in between. It is not as much loneliness, as it is a trait of identity. Without it, people don't feel complete, but completeness comes through exploring the self through self-reflection, which needs time and space relationships don't always provide.
Substances, violence, possesion, jealousy or unfaithfulness. The reasons for relationships to fail are multiple and cannot be named all at once, but what can be explored is the relationship of the borrowed self.
The Borrowed Self
Character, personality and identity are born during the formative years. A period in which we learn to perform traits and behaviours that are acceptable to the environment, the people and institutions that form it. It creates an identity which is unique to each individual, but it is one intended to conform to the standards of society, removing entirely or mostly covering the essence of the individual.
What is considered the middle age crisis, can be understood by the internal friction created by essence, -which will never stopped pushing- the realisation by the individual that this was not the life they were meant to be, and the persistance to defend the identity of the borrowed self. It is a biological rebellion that points out that something went wrong. It can be felt in the body, and we might never know why while persisting in what doesn't really work.
In current times we are seeing multiples examples, not only in middle age, but also in the early stages of development screaming for the freedom of personal expression.
The creation and development of the borrowed self can be understood by an identify enforced by the environment, personal experiences and behaviours, which are heavily compromised by the need of acceptance and survival within society.
The borrowed self only realises that something went wrong in times of crisis; that the acceptance of others is not as important as self-acceptance, but how can one accept themselves when we are disconnected from our true nature? In times of crisis, the borrowed self feels alone constantly bombarded by images of success.
The borrowed self always looks outside for answers; a habit adopted in the performative years in which we are taught the standard answers to life, most of which do not answer the call of the self.
Everyone is born with the personality, character, traits and talents, which if developed, would allow for any individual to move through a crisis or better times without the impression that they failed at life. The real self accepts that life is a series of moments. Sometimes we are up, sometimes we are down, and both are good times to self-realise.
It is one step at a time, one habit at at time. A realised life is accomplished only on the final day. The question is, do we want to reach that moment defending the borrowed self, or do we want to be realised by being the essence that truly beats within and who we are meant to be? Both are possible, and both are choices.
The borrowed self lives in a hole, constantly struggling to keep their head above water. The real self navigates the water.
We do not have to be completely realised to enter relationships, but when a person lives from their true nature, it is easier to recognise partners, understand and work with them with the realisation that we all are growing, and we don't know how or when it ends. Both partners know that the only day that matters is today, so they can get the best out of it. If today is strong and healthy, it builds a better foundation for tomorrow. The borrowed self lives today with the memory of yesterday and notion of tomorrow in mind.
I'm starting a series of workshops and support groups: A close and dynamic examination of the thoughts and beliefs and habits that keep people trapped in endless loops, how it affects the body, how the body unconsciously feeds the cycle, and how to break free from them. Looking within, is listening to the language the body speaks, and the different states of being we all experience. Thoughts, beliefs and habits come from these states of being, which are already written in your body.
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