How does egotism interfere in our relationships, and how can we fight against it?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me. —W.H. Auden, “The More Loving One”
We or anyone might sometimes come across with an egotistical manner. This includes being arrogant, belligerent, entitled, and controlling—the compulsions of a person driven by ego.
Following are some challenging practices that can help us let go of egotism and build a healthy ego, one with self-esteem, humility, and loving-kindness. The practices may seem over-the-top in what they ask of us, a radically spiritual way of living. Fortunately, we can all rely on grace from a higher power than ego to let that transformation happen in us.
1. Follow the Golden Rule: Act toward others as you would want them to act toward you.
2. Keep the needs of others in mind, especially in little ways—an antidote to selfishness.
3. Find ways to maintain healthy self-esteem without showing off. It’s OK to be a big shot; just don’t act that way.
4. Let go of ranking, especially of elitism, seeing yourself as above others.
5. Acknowledge not knowing something or show that you need support or help.
6. Take feedback as useful information, not as criticism, even when it is meant that way.
7. Apologize when you know you have harmed or offended anyone. Make amends if necessary.
8. Let go of attempts to control, dominate, or manipulate others.
9. Give people leeway and make allowances for their errors rather than pointing out or picking up on every little thing they do that irks you.
10. Welcome disagreement because it can lead to dialogue. This puts the emphasis in discussions on arriving at common ground or learning a new truth rather than proving yourself right.
11. Cooperate rather than compete; collaborate rather than having to show that you know best. Seek common ground rather than ongoing opposition.
12. In a group, give up having to take center stage. Trade in your own ego investment for the good of all concerned or for the accomplishment of the group goal.
13. Reconcile yourself to the fact that you will not always get your way.
14. Don’t hold a grudge against those who wrong you, even when they won't admit it—and stop telling the story of how they offended you. Look for ways to reconcile rather than retaliate.
15. Remain on high alert for the entry of your reactive ego: the moment when you take what happened personally, become indignant, or interpret an action by someone as a slight to your dignity.
16. When someone’s ego is aroused toward you, do not dig your heels in or go nose to nose. Simply pause with compassion toward the pain in his/her ego-reaction and treat it with loving-kindness while, nonetheless, not putting up with any abuse.
17. In intimate bonds, give up vindicating yourself in order to gratify your ego, and instead let go of your ego to gratify the relationship. Become the protector of the partnership rather than the defender of your own ego.
18. Do good to those who hate you, and pray for or wish enlightenment for those who have betrayed, failed, or mistreated you.
19. See losing face (and all of these suggestions) as welcome opportunities for growth in humility, a virtue that makes you more lovable.
20. Discard the Ace (Arrogance-Control-Entitlement) of Ego for the Ace of Hearts.
Here are three ways of releasing ourselves from ego posturing:
We notice our ego poses with a good-natured humor that finds something touching and amusing in them. Then we are less likely to keep using them.
We use our ego-energy as a handy tool when appropriate, but without arrogance.
We are thankful for the grace that helps us let go of ego-centeredness, even if it took the form of a hard-hitting comeuppance.
May those whose hell it is
To hate and hurt
Be turned into lovers
Bringing flowers.
—Shantideva, The Way of the Bodhisattva