Today would have been my mom Haydee’s birthday.
My adoptive mom.
And if I’m being honest thinking about her still brings up a lot of emotions.
Love.
Guilt.
Regret.
Gratitude.
Our relationship wasn’t always easy. Sometimes it was pretty chaotic.
We fought. We misunderstood each other.
I pushed boundaries like it was my full-time job.
Back then, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought she didn’t understand me. I thought she was too hard on me. I thought she just didn’t see the world the way I did.
But life has a funny way of humbling you.
Because now… I’m a mom too.
And let me tell you something that motherhood has taught me real quick: none of us have all the answers.
There’s no instruction manual for raising a child.
No guidebook that tells you exactly how to handle every emotional storm, every rebellious moment, every time your kid is hurting and you don’t know how to fix it.
You just try.
You love them the best way you know how and hope that somehow it’s enough.
And now that I’m raising a child of my own, I see things I couldn’t see when I was younger.
I see the pressure.
The sacrifices.
The emotional rollercoaster of trying to be a good parent when you’re still figuring life out yourself.
Mom, I wish you were still here so I could tell you something face to face.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for the hell I put you through sometimes.
I’m sorry for the moments when I didn’t understand what you were carrying as a parent.
And I also want to say thank you.
Thank you for loving me the way you knew how.
Because the truth is, none of us know another way. We all parent from the tools we were given… and sometimes from the wounds we’re still trying to heal.
There are still parts of our story that probably needed more healing. Some things in life don’t magically resolve just because someone is gone.
But today, I choose understanding.
Today, I choose forgiveness.
Not because everything was perfect… but because I finally see the humanity behind the mistakes.
You handled me the way you knew how.
And now look at me.
I’m a mom myself, raising my own child and realizing every day that I don’t have all the answers either.
Life really has a way of bringing things full circle.
I miss you, vieja.
I miss the way you would yell my name from across the house.
I miss our ridiculous fights.
I miss coming to visit.
And believe it or not… I even miss your random weird comments under my posts.
Life has been quieter without you.
Different.
But pieces of you still live inside of me.
In the way I love my child.
In the strength I carry.
In the lessons I didn’t even realize I was learning at the time.
So wherever you are today…
Happy Birthday, Mom.
I hope you and dad are together somewhere peaceful. Save me a seat when my time comes.
I’ll bring the cafecito.
Always.
🕊️ Lucy