In order to survive traumatic events that challenge our understanding of the world, our brains will do whatever it takes to protect us from how awful the reality of this event really is. When this happens, sometimes we will have an out of body experience, create another narrative like "this was really my fault", or even try to please an abuser to keep them from hurting us further. The mechanism I hear the most in my advocacy, though, is "at least." This phrase is to sinister to me. It leads us down a path of convincing ourselves that we don't deserve to feel our pain, express our anger, or cry our tears, because someone somewhere has suffered worse than we have. We may not know anyone personally, or even secondarily, that has an experience so horrific as we have fantasized. We may have see it on a movie, or genuinely be grateful the trauma didn't conclude that way. The truth is, we are doing the best we can to cope with it, and this is the only tool we have.
There is no merit system for trauma. You don't get to graduate from Agony with Honors. This isn't a competition, and you don't have to invalidate your pain. When you're ready, find a trusted friend, a peer advocate, or a trauma informed therapist to be your partner in your healing journey. The truth is, once you are physically safe and secure, telling your story to someone who can actively listen gives small pieces of your pain away. This only works when you share with those who can validate you and are very comfortable with being uncomfortable. When you tell your story, and it is truly received by someone else, the weight of it is relived, sometimes just a little.
The other side of this is justice. Another issue I have seen often is the idea, "There cannot be justice for what happened, so there is no point in reliving it." While the world is not fair, and rarely do the good guys win, the ability to punish for the perceived or real cause of your trauma will not heal the wounds by itself. Even if we could get justice, the wound is still there. If legal action can resolve or protect one's trauma on a practical level, they should proceed to the highest level of their comfort, but this will still not resolve the pain they feel from unresolved grief or PTSD.
In my experience, the best things we can offer to someone experiencing lasting effects of trauma is a quiet safe space, a tolerance for the uncomfortable things we will see and hear when they share, and validation that it really was that bad. Give them a chance to fully express their pain, hold a space to "sit with" it, and allow them to still not be ok when they are done sharing. They are in a marathon of processing something that destroyed part of their world. We're just giving them a place to rest while they rebuild.
Be good to each other...