I wrote about the upside of being selfish two weeks ago. You can read about it here: buymeacoffee.com/knightofdelta/the-upside-selfish
There is this distant cousin of mine who reached out to me some weeks back out of the blue. He is a distant cousin, in the sense that he is a grandson of my father’s uncle. Yeah, that is quite some distance in connection..
He reached out to me for assistance, saying he is looking for a job and all. Of course, he’s family, and I believe it is good to help out because I have the capacity. I reached out to my network to see if I could match his skills with what was potentially available. I got his CV and sent it out to two people. He's been struggling to find a job for a while now, and I understand how frustrating that can be.
He kept reaching out, saying he needed to talk to me. I had an idea of what was going to happen before it happened. He requested financial assistance. Now, this is where I find it difficult to assist people. Where do you draw the line between too little and too much? The other person has no idea of your financial position - you are probably in a better place than they are. Too little and you become stingy, too much and you become a mark.
I told him I couldn’t help because I don’t keep naira. I told him to focus on securing a job. Now, we are still in the process of getting him a job. Since he couldn’t get money, he started telling about what was going on in his life and all. So this guy would call, and we would not spend anything less than 20 minutes on the phone. I told him, yet again, that I am pretty busy and I have a lot of other things that need my attention. And that if he needed anything, he could reach out to my assistant.
A few days after that, I got a message from him, “So you are now too big to talk to your family, that you are now saying I should be talking to your assistant. Is it because you have money? And no be say you give me money sef. God will do it for us too.”
Oh boy.
I didn’t bother to respond. However, there comes a stage in life when you begin to understand that your time is more precious than money. It's a realization that makes you feel respected and important. I felt terrible about the whole situation, but I have chosen to document it as a learning point.
First of all, when you ask someone for a favor, whether it involves money or not, you now owe the person. However, the concept of honor is alien to most people, and they often walk away thinking the favor costs nothing. When I sent out his CV, I had to reach out to my network to get assistance. I now owe them. The network of people I have built over time is one of my most important assets, much more important than money. Accepting the CV and then sending it into their own network meant they now owed others: they now owe others because of me. This is not something you take for granted.
One day, they may also come to ask you to help them out, and if you don’t, you will know you messed up. You need to understand that when you ask people for favors, you are asking them for something more valuable than money. You are asking them for their essence, their value, their time, and resources that could easily be converted to cash in other ways. You place them in a position where they owe others on your behalf. Never take such favors for granted, as they can turn your life around when granted. Be grateful and always pay back what you owe in some way.
However, there are times you have to learn when to draw the line. You cannot help everybody in the world. How do you say no when you are asked for assistance and you are not in a position to help?
Given how much we have been wired to help other people in need, it can be tricky when saying no to others. You want to do it in a way that maintains your relationships. But remember that there are times you have to be honestly brutal and cut people off to protect yourself from sharks and energy vampires. This act of setting boundaries can make you feel secure and in control.
You must be direct and honest when declining requests for favors if you are not in a position to help. Don’t over-explain yourself, as it has a way of leading to arguments, and people will guilt-trip you into doing what you do not want to do. You will start playing the defensive game, where you're constantly justifying your decision, instead of rejecting the game in its entirety. You end up burning energy that could have been spent elsewhere.
Another way to do it is to express empathy, telling the person you understand what they are going through (only if you truly understand). You can also offer an alternate solution.
Remember that when you are saying no, you are saying yes to something else - yourself. Be kind, but don’t be naive. And most importantly, don’t be a mark.
Ultimately, the lesson from this is not about giving or not giving, but about the actual cost of a favor. It’s a reminder that true generosity begins with valuing your own resources, which are your time, your energy, and your network. By learning to say no and setting clear boundaries, you are not being selfish; you are being wise. You are ensuring that your kindness is a deliberate act of goodwill, not a naive invitation to be taken advantage of.