The saying "time heals all wounds" is false. If we do not address the source of grief, the wounds will remain. While the intensity of the pain may lessen with time, it will not disappear. Unaddressed grief can turn into trauma, and the scariest thing about trauma is that it can reopen wounds at any time, anywhere. To heal, it is necessary to create a safer environment for grieving people. They deserve the space and time to process their grief. Grieving and trauma may be personal experiences, but healing can be supported by the community.
I have suffered from depression for 14 years. For almost a decade, I could not tell anyone why I was depressed. It is difficult to identify the traces of trauma in a toxic culture. In my early teens, I began to question certain behaviors of my parents towards me. I shared my concerns with my immediate family and social circle, but they dismissed me. They told me that parents might get angry sometimes, but they always want their children's happiness.
It is not important for readers to know what specific decisions or behaviors of my parents were problematic to me. The focus should be on the dismissal of a teenage mind by society, which began to see problems in parenting.
This culture starts in childhood when children are molded to worship their parents regardless of their toxicity. In some way, this toxic culture has been pillared under religious beliefs. Our religious beliefs are intolerant. In every religion, questioning god for a certain act is considered blasphemy. The whole idea of "worshipping" parents is a vicious cycle of dominating and controlling children.
Before moving ahead, I want to spare a moment to convince my readers that I do not believe or support blaming parents completely for the trauma they caused. Sometime back, I saw an Instagram reel of soul-coach mentor Candyss Love. In her podcast reel, she said, “The truth is not all parents will have the capacity to take accountability in this lifetime & for many, it isn’t because they don’t want to. It’s because they don’t know how to without also having to feel the emotional pain of shame, guilt & embarrassment for the pain they caused. When we hold any person accountable not just parents, we force them to see themselves, quickly, without an opportunity to prepare themselves emotionally. So quick that The brain feels attacked, the nervous system goes into shock & the body responds by going into fight or flight by attempting to protect & defend itself.” Similar thoughts I found in the writings of Trauma and addiction healing specialist, Dr. Gabor Mate. In his bestselling book When The Body Says No, he said, “Shame is the deepest of the “negative emotions,” a feeling we will do almost anything to avoid. Unfortunately, our abiding fear of shame impairs our ability to see reality.” The roots of my trauma and depression were in my childhood. I realized this after suffering for 14 years. Through a lot of processing, therapy, and reading, I learned that blaming others is not part of holistic healing. Healing in a toxic culture is about breaking the cycle and taking accountability. Candyss's thoughts are a perfect example of the vicious cycle of trauma and the power of accountability.
I do not blame my parents for not knowing how to hold themselves accountable without guilt or shame. However, for my own healing, I must create healthy boundaries, whether they accept them or not.
I was raised in a patriarchal family. The day I realized patriarchy was disconnecting me from myself, I chose to stop this cycle. My healing journey within caste-patriarchy was complex. I will not waste your time by narrating the journey, as you can read about my childhood abuse trauma and healing from it here. Further, I will write about the fear of my patriarchal family from an independent woman and the mutuality of love over dominance.
A few days ago, I married the woman I love. We had been in a live-in relationship for two years before making the decision to get married. Our relationship may seem short, but we have experienced its full complexity together. The decision to get married was based on the safety and security we had built while living together. Before getting married, we told our respective families about our intentions. My wife's family was happy with the decision, but my parents opposed it.
My wife Shweta is a Ph.D. candidate working in a prestigious university in India, and the founder of an organization working on the prevention of child sexual abuse, she also holds strong feminist views against the patriarchal culture. Her education and intellectual ability are stronger than mine. She is thirty-four and I am thirty. She played a huge role to help me understand the controlling nature of patriarchy. Patriarchy was the tool that my parents were using to control me by not giving me space to feel my emotions. When I met Shweta, I was an alcoholic and addicted to a few substances. Addiction was soothing to me. It had become my coping mechanism. I was dependent on alcohol and substances to do my daily routine work. As my addiction kept me moving in my day-to-day life, I never gave much attention to its ill effects. And on the psychological level, with my addiction, I was able to interact with people. As my addiction became my coping mechanism, it helped me to keep doing things that I like. But, after a point, the time came when my body and mind denied to hold the unprocessed trauma which I was escaping through substance use and alcohol. I started losing interest in everything. My behavior started showing, patriarchal, toxic, and aggressive traits.
It was Shweta who at first helped me understand my trauma which was rooted in my childhood. Before her, everyone shamed me and scared me for my addiction. Dr. Gabor Mate, in his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction said, “It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behavior.” When Shewta gave me the space to open up about my unprocessed trauma, I felt a heavy burden lift from my chest. She helped me realize that I had been avoiding my responsibility to take accountability for certain behaviors. Later, with the help of my therapist, I was able to identify the traces of my trauma and begin my holistic healing journey.
When I opened up about my trauma to my family, their immediate reaction was the denial of my experiences. I tried to make them aware of my situation through various reading materials and my psychiatrist. When my efforts did not work, I chose to create healthy boundaries between me and my family. In most of the Indian family system, the concept of healthy boundaries between a child and parents is considered as indisciplined behavior. The boundaries were necessary for my healing otherwise their ignorance and denial won’t let me heal. In a patriarchal culture, where dominance derives love, it is not easy for people to accept losing control over their dominance.
In the bestselling book, The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love, the black feminist author bell hooks wrote, “When culture is based on a dominator model, not only will it be violent, but it will frame all relationships as power struggles.” My parents made my trauma about themselves, which prevented them from seeing my pain. They felt a loss of control over me when I started to open up to Shweta. Shweta accepted my vulnerability and gave me space to heal my wounds. Vulnerability creates compassion and empathy; when someone accepts your vulnerability, they allow you to feel all of your emotions, both positive and negative. This bridges the gap of love between humans and creates mutuality. Patriarchal culture, on the other hand, is based entirely on domination. The deeply rooted patriarchy in my family made them believe that dominance is the only way to express love. This is why, when Shweta helped me to regain my agency and sense of belonging, they saw it as a woman controlling me.
During my healing period, I learned about mutual love and tried to express it to my family. However, it was not easy for them to let go of their dominant nature. Changing our behaviors takes time and effort, and it is especially difficult in a dominant and toxic culture, especially for those who have never experienced it before. I gave them grace and time to understand this new way of love, and I tried to mend things with them within healthy boundaries.
A few days before my wedding reception, Shweta's father called my parents to invite them to the reception. My father said, "My son is dead to me," and denied the invitation. He did not stop there, and he called my relatives to tell them not to attend the reception unless they chose between me and my family.
I have not spoken to my family since then. It was not anger that made me decide to do this, but my acceptance of love. Anger not only isolates you from people, but it also isolates you from love. My decision to not pursue my family anymore is about closing the door to triggers that could cause me to relapse. I am not angry with my family because from the book The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love of bell hooks I learned that “Anger prevents love and isolates the one who is angry. It is an attempt, often successful, to push away what is most longed for—companionship, and understanding. It is a denial of the humanness of others, as well as a denial of your own humanness. Anger is the agony of believing that you are not capable of being understood and that you are not worthy of being understood. It is a wall that separates you from others as effectively as if it were concrete, thick, and very high. There is no way through it, under it, or over it. Certainly.”
I believe that everyone can be healed from their toxic traits, but we cannot support their healing if it risks our own journey of healing. I tried to create space for my family to start their healing journey, but I was unsuccessful. I cannot risk my own healing journey by not creating boundaries. I hope that one day they will be healed, but until then, I need to focus on my own healing. I know that it is painful to watch our loved ones struggle with toxic traits, but we cannot allow their pain to become our own. We need to set boundaries that protect our own emotional and mental health. This may mean limiting contact with our family members, or it may mean simply refusing to engage with them when they are being toxic. It is important to remember that we are not responsible for their healing, and we cannot force them to change. However, we can take care of ourselves and create a safe space for our own healing.
I am not angry with my family, and I still love them. I just need to take care of myself right now. I know that one day they may be ready to start their own healing journey, and I will be there to support them. But until then, I need to focus on my own journey.
I hope that my story will help others who are struggling with toxic family relationships. It is important to remember that you are not alone and that you deserve to be happy and healthy. If you are struggling, please reach out for help. There are people who care about you and want to help you heal.
If you are going through mental health crisis and unable to seek help from any reason, please reach out to me at [email protected]