Content Warning:- Contains potentially distressing material and mention of suicide. Please do not self-diagnose if you experience a mental health concern. Consult a professional and if you don't know anyone write to me at [email protected] for mental health support.
"Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart, one who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them." — Marvin J. Ashton.
A chilling realisation swept over me as the sun dipped below the horizon in the bustling city of Kota. A story had unfolded, a story of a young life cut short, leaving behind questions that echoed through the labyrinthine alleys of this city. The tragedy was not isolated but a sad note in the symphony of lives silently slipping away in a town that offered dreams to youth and families alike.
In this society, two guiding lights were supposed to illuminate children's paths: parents and teachers. United by the common purpose of nurturing, they were entrusted with sculpting the future. Yet, somewhere along the way, the very essence of this nurturing had changed. The goal had shifted from moulding wholesome humans capable of embracing their emotions and sharing love to crafting remarkable products destined for the competitive market. A sobering analogy, but no harsher than the society's indifference towards its children. Otherwise, the education institutes shouldn’t be known as ‘factories.’
The stark reality manifested in the statistics: the 22nd reported suicide this year in Kota. Each number etched a painful truth — as a society, we had faltered. The failure was evident in the very nature of the education centres that churned out young minds.
In a market-driven world, products that falter are replaced. The same ruthless attitude extended to the children who stumbled under the weight of parental, academic, and societal expectations. A 'secure life' became the sole aim, eclipsing any aspirations beyond. This collective mindset eroded the curiosity that breathes life into existence, severing the connection with their souls. However, when fingers pointed to societal negligence and misguided parenting, blame was deflected onto the children's suffering.
Kota didn’t witness death by suicide alone this year. Over the past 12 years, more than 150 students have died by suicide. The National Crime Record Bureau's chilling 2015 report revealed a staggering 61.3% rise in suicides among Kota's coaching centres students. The mental health concern of the students, especially Kota students, has been continuously raised by many social workers and mental health experts through various studies. Despite the alarms, no active measures have been taken by the administration.
The aftermath of a recent suicide prompted a response from the Kota district administration — installing spring-loaded fans in hostel rooms to prevent death by suicide. Kota district collector Om Prakash Bunkar said, “To provide mental support and security to the students studying/living in them and to prevent suicides from increasing among coaching students in Kota city, all hostel/PG operators in the state are directed to install a security spring device in the fans at every room.” The proposed solution barely scratched the surface of the deeper malaise afflicting these young minds. A study by the ‘Learning Factory of India’ indicated that 4 out of 10 students in Kota grappled with mental health issues. Nearly 200,000 students flocked to its coaching institutes each year to secure 11000 seats in IITs and Medical colleges. Almost half of them battled mental health crises in the intense academic pressure cooker.
The administration's proposed solution, while well-intentioned, had the potential to be a double-edged sword. Instead of addressing the root of the problem, it risked becoming a trigger for students grappling with their mental health crises. The truth was stark: Kota's academic realms had transformed into centres of mental health crises, and not addressing the root cause denies problems within the operational methods of teaching institutes.
Pooja Priyamwada, an academic counsellor at the International Institute of Mass Media and a mental health counsellor, in her tweet said, “While preventing access to means of deaths by suicide has been an effective method of #suicideprevention, this doesn't address the root cause -the rot in the coaching culture which makes students just statistics & parents who push their kids to the brink quite literally.” Pooja struck a chord with her astute observation. She pinpointed the crux — the foundation of this crisis was laid at home. The widening generation gap wasn't just a product of changing times but a consequence of stifling control cloaked as a discipline. The stifling grip severed the emotional lifelines between parents and children. The inability to express emotions led to a tumultuous inner world, a breeding ground for trauma and anxiety.
Children's natural curiosity metamorphosed into robotic obedience in the stifling cocoon of expectations and dominance. The self, the core of individuality, remained unexplored and uncultivated. The disconnect from their essence cast a long shadow, a darkness that could manifest as a deep-seated trauma.
As I think about Kota's streets, the echoes of Marvin J. Ashton's words reverberate. The quest was not just to leave people better than you found them but to weave a tapestry where nurturing wasn't a distant memory, where dreams weren't sold at the cost of innocence, and where young souls soared on the wings of their unbridled potential.
The revelations of a study titled "Parent-Child Relationship Of Indian Students and Suggestive Techniques," published in the International Journal of Psychology in 2018, painted a disturbing picture. The study uncovered that a staggering 61.3% of students felt their parents were unreasonably demanding, and an equally distressing 59.34% believed that unmet parental expectations led to symbolic punishments. The study finds that despite having a cordial relationship with kids, parents cannot withdraw the idea of raising kids with dominance and authority. Often, this authoritarian nature of parents is the reason behind the failure to understand their child's capabilities.
This parental dominance hindered a clear understanding of a child's capabilities. Worse, it manifested in symbolic punishments, leaving lasting scars. Neglect, disapproval of thoughts, and making a child feel unwanted weren't just momentary setbacks; they had the potential to sow seeds of trauma. In his book "The Realm Of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters With Addiction," Canadian physician and child psychology expert Gabor Mate highlighted the insidious nature of such emotional neglect. He noted that the actual damage wasn't in the immediate pain but in the twisted lens through which the child would forever perceive the world, often creating self-fulfilling prophecies shaped by these early experiences. I am quoting his exact words,
“The greatest damage done by neglect, trauma or emotional loss is not the immediate pain they inflict but the long-term distortions they induce in the way a developing child will continue to interpret the world and her situation in it. All too often, these ill-conditioned implicit beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies in our lives. We create meanings from our unconscious interpretation of early events, and then we forge our present experiences from the meaning we’ve created. Unwittingly, we write the story of our future from narratives based on the past...Mindful awareness can bring those hidden, past-based perspectives into consciousness so they no longer frame our worldview.’Choice begins the moment you disidentify from the mind and its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present…Until you reach that point, you are unconscious.”
The narrative unfolded against the backdrop of coaching institutes that fed into the toxicity. With banners boasting "No. 1" institute status, they painted an illusion of success. But the ground reality was far more complex. A survey conducted by TISS revealed that these institutes charge exorbitant fees of 1.5 to 2 lac, often pushing families into financial distress—the desperation to secure admissions added more weight to students' already burdened shoulders. The intense competition created an isolating environment where reaching out to peers seemed impossible.
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In their pursuit of relief, some students resorted to destructive coping mechanisms — substance abuse, pornography, alcohol, and smoking. A tragic irony emerged: the attempt to escape pain only led to more suffering. The rampant addiction further poisoned the competitive atmosphere within these institutes. However, society's understanding of addiction remained narrow. Parents often responded with harsh punishment rather than addressing the underlying cause. Gabor Mate's words echoed loudly:
"It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behaviour."
Motivational speakers were called in as a remedy, yet they inadvertently exacerbated the issue. Not equipped to address mental health, they propagated toxic positivity. This forced a weight of responsibility upon students for everything occurring in their lives. Fueled by fame, their lectures were taken as gospel truth, further entangling these young minds in a web of unrealistic expectations.
The stark reality demands intervention. The solution needed a concerted effort. Student’s mental health crises had seeped into the structure of the parenting and education system. Thus, jointly undertaken by the government and institutions, a holistic approach is imperative. Government regulations should curtail the undue pressure exerted by coaching institutes. Students' experiences, shared through various research and journalistic endeavours, are crucial for formulating a practical framework.
As the paper "Parent-Child Relationship of Indian Students and Suggestive Techniques" illuminated, the overbearing nature of demands and dominance persisted even with a seemingly "A grade" relationship. Instead of pushing students beyond their limits, they should have been allowed to express their feelings and opinions. The failure lay in misunderstanding the true essence of nurturing and building — something that the city of Kota was all too familiar with.