[TW: toxic behaviour, bullying, suicide]
There she is again. A woman in her thirties seems to be stalking me again, peeking from the restroom door with a hint of sad smile across her face.
“What do you want this time?” I asked her in full courage.
“No. Nothing, Gia. It’s just that… I saw how they treated you earlier. Are you okay?” the woman asked. She extends her handkerchief in front of me, but I just brushed it off lightly. I was feeling embarrassed and disappointed.
I heard from a lot of people that high school is the best arc of a teenager’s life. Apparently, it doesn’t work me. I’m in my junior year now but I have yet to experience anything memorable… well, aside from the bullying I am experiencing right now.
Today at lunch, I passed by the classroom of senior students and called me Quasimoda, a female version of the hunchback of Notre Dame. Why, you ask? Because they say I’m ugly. I have a lot of angry pimples protruding on my face with the biggest one placed strategically in the middle of my nose. During Christmas season, they would still tease me, calling me Rhoda, one of Santa Claus’s forgotten reindeer because he thinks children will get scared of me. I don’t know who they are, but they love to pick on me a lot.
Things went worse this time, though. After calling me names, two guys from the same class showered me with baby powder, making me look stupid and pathetic.
“You should at least wear powder so you can look cute,” I heard one of them said.
I ignored them and continued walking while looking down. I had to clean myself off before going back to the classroom. That’s where I encounter Vanna, the old woman who keeps on pestering me for the past two days. It’s even more annoying that she we almost have similar names, as my full name is Giavanna.
“I don’t think it’s any of your business,” I told her while wiping the powder off my hair.
“It may not be my business, but I’m just worried,” she said as she sat in the bathroom counter while looking at her weird rectangular device.
“Why didn’t you fight back?”
She uttered a, rather, forbidden question.
I didn’t do anything because I’m scared. I have nobody to help me should the abuse escalate into something worse. I couldn’t tell my parents because I don’t want to hinder their work. I couldn’t tell my friends because… I had a hunch.
“Does standing up for yourself solve anything?” I asked her. I continued brushing the powder off my shoulders before wiping my eyeglasses.
“I’ve been there. I know how hard it is to do things on your own. It’s scary to stand up for your bullies; but you know, your bullies are more cowardly than you think,” she chuckled.
She stood up and gave me a light tap on my shoulder before leaving me alone in the comfort room. Again, she wears a sad smile. Was she pitying me? Does she think I’m pathetic, too? Wait, I don’t even know where she came from! I was just shocked she knows my name, my age, and even my school. I wanted to tell my teacher about her, but I feel like she’s harmless. The shoulder tap makes me feel that someone is there to support me. I quietly returned to my classroom after cleaning up.
I thought about asking for help from my friends: Mia and Carlie, about my bullies. We’ve been together since third grade, so you can really say that we are close friends. We often plan things to do after school or during our days off, like visiting malls or even slumber parties, but lately, we usually postpone it because Carlie had frequent dates with her boyfriend, Paul. But despite that, you could say that I completely trust them as my best friends.
The class also had a basketball game after school as part of the intramural sports, so I plan to tell Mia and Carlie about the bullying there.
As soon as the classes were dismissed, I noticed that both girls went out. Maybe they’re going to the comfort room before proceeding to the basketball gym. I followed them after I finish stuffing my books in the bag.
I was by the door when I heard Mia and Carlie talking and laughing. I halted myself from entering when I heard they mention my name midway.
“Patrick powdered Gia. You heard about it?” Carlie asked Mia, while brushing a red lip gloss.
“No way! How did she look like?” Mia asked in awe.
“It was so funny! Paul brought his digital camera with him, and he showed me the picture during lunch,” Carlie said while laughing her head off.
“I pity Gia. She trusts us so much without knowing that she’s getting picked on by Patrick and his squad because of you,” Mia said, shaking her head. “You even exclude her in our plans of going out.”
“Hey, don’t blame me! I hate her. I always hated her existence. I hope she dies in an accident or something,” Carlie answered without any hesitations.
I was devastated. I felt lost. I felt like I was slowly dying inside. I didn’t know that she hates me that much. I was so stupefied that my legs began to lose its strength and I had funny churns in my stomach. I was nauseous and wanted to throw up. I began to sweat like crazy and I felt dizzy. Their words seemed to find its way towards me that it had been echoing in my ears on a repeated manner, telling me to die.
I covered my ears; I had to keep my voice down, so I hold my sobs.
“Don’t you, girls, got better things to do? I think she treats you as her friends, despite being bitchy,” a familiar voice rebutted while they were laughing.
I sneaked a peek to confirm who that was trying to be a heroine. I wasn’t surprised, but, uh, it’s Vanna again.
“Who are you? And why do you even care? Are you her relative or something?” Carlie asked, raising her voice towards the woman.
“I don’t know her, but I can’t tolerate you bullying your own friend. I don’t know why you hate her so much but her genuine respect towards you and your friendship with her deserves better,” Vanna said.
I, unexpectedly, sign a relief because I thought she gave them her two cents. But she didn’t stop there.
“You know, I was young once. People used to bully me in high school, too. They were my so-called friends. I trusted them fully because I really like them. Turns out, they stabbed me several times in the back and gaslighted me until I began to doubt myself. The trauma lived with me for more than a decade and I even did self-harm.”
“And why do we care, weirdo?” Carlie asked raising her left eyebrow while talking to Vanna.
“I was resolved when I heard my bully lost her babies on stillbirth. She lost her twins on her first trimester. Karma’s really a bitch, don’t you think?” Vanna suddenly seemed to emit a dark, ominous aura as she uttered those words. I felt chills just by listening to her stood up from my bullies.
I had mixed feelings that time so I ran away. I decided not to watch the game and wanted to be alone in our empty classroom.
I sat by the window and looked at the afternoon clouds. It was almost sunset, but I don’t want to go home yet. I felt betrayed and broken after knowing the truth, yet I cannot seem to express my anger and sadness through my tears.
Suddenly, I light tap on my shoulder surprised me. I looked at the source. It was Vanna. She pulled the nearest chair and sat beside me.
“I was there,” I told her, “thank you for standing up for me.”
“That’s nothing,” she replied.
“So, why are you here this time? I asked her.
She was quiet for a moment. She looked like she’s thinking of something deep.
“I know this sounds absurd, but I’m from the future,” she said randomly.
I gave her a weird look, trying to send her questions through my mind. I thought time traveling is only a myth. She proceeded to tell me her story.
“I’m from the year 2024, about 17 years from now. Believe it or not, I am you.”
I’m getting creeped out with Vanna, but I still want to continue listening to her. I looked seriously in her eyes, so I knew she’s not talking shit. It scares me but I wanted to listen and understand because I feel like I needed to know something in this whole circus.
“What happened? Why did you travel back in time?” I asked her, concerned because I kind of wanted to know what happened to me in the future.
“Apparently, we died after jumping off a building. We fell on a tree, so it lessened the impact. We suffered from depression and post-traumatic stress that roots from what gives us pain right now thus I decided to end our life there. Mia and Carlie were one of our psychological generators. When we got to college, social media was more prevalent so even when we don’t get to see them in person, we still encounter them online and it annoyed us. The bullying continued after college because we refused to stand up to them.”
To be honest, I always thought that my cause of death would be suicide. I haven’t been vocal about it, but I always think of ending my life, because I’m getting tired of everything. I tried to conceal it with a smile and optimistic outlook in life, but I guess nobody would really understand me but myself.
“In the ambulance, I held the rescuer’s hand. I was so scared because I was alone; moreover, the body pains started to creep in, and I began to vomit blood. I can feel my whole body was broken. I still managed to hold his hand and gave a soft grip. Before I lost my life, I heard him say, ‘you’re gonna be okay. Just hold onto me.’
“So, you came back to look for this guy? Was he our type?” I joked.
“Not really. I came back for you. Hearing his words made me wish that I could go back in time and listen to your worries. I was observing you from afar until you accidentally saw me ‘stalking’ you.”
“In our adult years, I realized how much we longed for support, how much we crave for the same care, love, and respect we gave other people. Knowing our personality, we would refuse to ask for it upfront and would rather wish that they would come to know our worth. We will meet good people as we go along but I wanted us to be stronger. So, I prayed to go back temporarily and become your shield. I wanted to be our own protector so we can stand up for ourselves.”
Tears began to trickle down my face. I wanted to say something but I can’t seem to get the words out. Vanna held me hand and rest her head on my shoulders.
“You’ll be okay, now, Gia. I’ll be with you from now on. We’ll go through this together,” she said, smiling. This time, her smile looked prettier than what she was wearing for the past two days. Right now, she seemed content.
I closed my eyes and felt a cold breeze softly whipped my face that made me feel relaxed.
The next thing I knew, I was lying in a bed inside the quiet school clinic. As I sat up, the nurse stood up and touch my forehead to check my temperature.
“Are you okay now?” he asked.
“Yes. What happened?” I enquired.
“Your classmates found you lying inside your classroom. You have no injuries or scratches so we think you lost consciousness after you accidentally hit your head on the floor,” he answered, “if you’re not feeling dizzy now, you can go home. Take care!”
My classmates sent my stuffs here, so I didn’t have to go back to the room. I’m still confused if other people even see Vanna because the nurse didn’t mention her. She left without a trace but I feel like she’s with me now. Was she real or just an apparition?
I saw Mia and Carlie with Paul, Patrick, and his group on my way out of the school. Mia tapped Carlie and pointed at me and whispered something to the latter. They both smirked but I don’t care now. I started putting up a trust wall between me and other people and would only open up when needed.
Maybe it wasn’t healthy to refuse asking for help, but I wanted to rely on my own now. I feel stronger knowing that I have myself who tried to save me from misery. I know I’ll face more struggles in the future, according to Vanna, but I’m feel more confident now that Vanna will be with me from hereon in.