Angst… that’s what I feel when I come back to all to familiar spaces where trauma once plagued me.
I don’t come from a community or culture where trauma is recognized much less validated and this year I’m committed to running up on my trauma. I want to confront my trauma, meet it with love and then release. I imagine that will be the biggest deep breath I ever take.
The vice grip I’ve sat in for over 20 years has controlled my confidence, sense of self and trust in myself for far too long. The funny thing is… for someone who is self proclaimed “super self aware” I crumble every time I get sucked back in.
So I’m finally ending this relationship, the anxious thoughts, the imposter syndrome, the suicidal ideations … all of it … we’re done.
I’m committing to myself and loving myself so deeply this year starting with this breakup.
I plan going back to the root, yanking the weed and setting myself free once and for all. I want to know which traumas are in fact mine and which were passed down through my ancestors.
Fighting this fight won’t be easy but I’m certain it will be worth it. I want peace for my spirit, I no longer want to be so easily triggered by people places and things that I reduce myself in more digestible versions.
I want to heal myself so my I can show my son how to work on his trauma when the time comes (something no mother wants to think about) .
Most importantly, I want to see who I am on the other side of my trauma…. Who do I become when I’m healed and whole?
What does she like? How does she sleep? What are her favorite things to do?
those are the questions I ask myself when I daydream about who I emerge as after this breakup.